06/03/11

It’ll be normal again soon…promise…it will…but not today.

10:00 am
I checked out of Stonegate Inn as soon as I could!  So I arrived at the GIGANTIC Jesus statue in Eureka Springs at 10!  That’s why I came here!!!  Holy crap.  It’s very impressive!  They also have a 10’ section of the Berlin wall there…(?) AND they do live performances of the Passion of Christ.  Unfortunately, I was too early to catch it, BUT I did get to see Moses walk by me in the parking lot with a staff and Coleman cooler!!!  And sneakers!!! 

1:00 pm:

Arrive in Tahlequah, OK to see the Cherokee Heritage Center.  When you’re driving from Eureka Springs to Tahlequah you have to drive Rt. 177 which I believe is only for locals since every truck that went by me going the other way waved at me!!!  (heart)!  Wow!  That was the happiest moment of that day!!!!!!!

Tahlequah, OK is a lot like Bath Maine or any real small town USA, but dilapidated and sad…as are almost all the towns I’ve been going through…hmmmmmm…so I thought I would check out the “Historic Downtown”.  Yea.  That took me all of maybe 10 minutes and I got to see their town bum!  YAY!  So now I’m hungry and the only place that serves food only has croissants with cheese and this meat, this meat, or THIS meat!  Not just cheese.  No lettuce, no dressing, just dry croissant, cheese, and your choice of 3 different kinds of meat (cue:  Sam Cooke/Sugah Dumpling).  So I walk (after buying a $4 ice coffee in a Styrofoam container from said shop) and happen to stumble upon a health food store!  I go in thinking they may have some premade sandwiches or something that I could shove in my face, so I ask, and no…(pout).  The woman at the counter looks at me (I didn’t actually pout and then proceeded to state “I’m hungry” and patted my belly) and takes pity on me!  YAY!  She tells me that if I can find a burrito in the freezer that I like she will heat it up in the back room for me!  It’s a secret though, ok!!  Don’t you guys go telling everyone!  She’ll get in trouble!!!!  SHHHHHH!!!  So for lunch I had an Amy’s burrito and peach soy yogurt and ice coffee.  Best ever!  And then…I got out of Tahlequah, OK because they weren’t too keen on my kind being there…or they were too interested in it.

3:00 pm:

Arrived at the Cherokee Heritage Center and somehow managed to get the last tour (a private one at that because I was the only person there) with a REAL Cherokee!!!  He’s wolf clan (funny that) and he was amazing.  I don’t remember his name, but I do remember what clan he was from!  He’s also part Creek (deer clan).

I bought a book, which I haven’t opened yet, because I know Imma gonna cry through the whole thing.  You may know it?  Trail of Tears?  Yea?  Yea.  I’ll wait on that one!  As I was looking at the stuff in the giftshop another Cherokee dude walked past me, did a quiet hawk/bird noise at me, looked back, winked, and then continued on about his business.  I’ll let you translate that one, because I have like 3 different theories and 2 out of 3 make my head hurt.

7:00 pm:

Checked into Claremore, OK (Roy Rogers Inn)…because see now!  I got confused!  I saw Rogers and cowboy and museum and thought MOM!!!!!!!  I’m going to spoil it, but yea…mom likes WILL Rogers (with Trigger and stuffs) not ROY, AMBER!!!  BAH!  I was thinking of you mum!  Sorry I got the wrong cowboy. Oh, but if I hadn’t made that mistake I wouldn’t have met these charming people now would I??!!  Oh…wait………

So I check in, unload, grab a beer and head out to the gazebo to have a smoke (don’t read that last part, mum), because I’m that type of smoker.  I know ye’all hate it so I go out of my way not to be in your way.  Next time, I’m just going to stand at my hotel door and smoke. 

There are two dudes at the gazebo smoking and having PBR, so since it’s brightly lit and right by the main office I figure I’ll be safe.  And I was!!  Not to ruin the climax or anything, but I don’t want all ye’all reading this and having heart palpitations about me!!  ;)

So here I am with David (?) and Anthony (he’s English).  They’re from Florida and build playgrounds.  If you need a playground, keep this in mind: don’t hire them, they’re drunks and a bit weird (shrug) jus’ saying.  They did give me a ton of information on Oklahoma though…here it is:

1.      If you buy beer at a gas station or convenience store it will only have an alcohol content of 3.25% because Oklahoma has stayed (partially) in the prohibition period (that was from 1920-1921 incase you needed a refresher…it’s 2011 now).  “Regular” beer can be purchased at your local liquor store or Walgreens (WHA?) with an alcohol content of 6.00% or more.  Not that I care, but I was wondering why I had to pee so much!

2.      England had a 99 year lease on Hong Kong that just ended in 1997 (?).  Yea, I didn’t know that…I’m admitting to that now.  That doesn’t have anything to do with Oklahoma, but it was talked about.

3.      There’s pudding wrestling at the VFW tomorrow night.  And yes, I was invited to participate, and yes, I graciously declined.

4.      BUG RUN!  So this is what Oklahoma folk do for fun!  Ready?  You meet up at a bar (that night it was the one right next to the hotel), you have a drink, you place a target on the front grill of your car (yes, one of those bow and arrow shooting range targets), you drive 15 minutes to the next designated bar, you have a drink and maybe some food, then you drive BACK to the original bar where you are then judged.  And this is the winner:  Whoever has the smooshed bug closest to the bulls-eye wins!  So um…yes…the cops possibly find it very convenient to pull over anyone with a target on the front of their car…hmmmmm.  Oh, Oklahoma.

So here we are and these dudes are telling me stories and laughing and such and the person from the office comes out and tells us we gots ta’ evacuate the gazebo because there have been complaints (it’s 10:30 pm).  HA!  We got kicked out of a gazebo!!  And then they decide to blame it on ME!!!  Because they were quiet until I showed up!  Yes, may I analyze that one for a moment?  You were!  That is why I decided to come down and then BAM!  Testosterone! 

So we go over to the bar because I REALLY need a picture of this bug run thing (I get it!).  This bar is also the local bar, so there are some folks from town in it.  Unfortunately, I missed the end of the bug run (they had already come and gone at that point). 

I have a drink (since it’s free, because David is being cordial).  And we’re sitting there and they begin to tell me more stories and then all of a sudden David gets this look on his face and informs me that I need to watch my back in the bar.  WHA??!!  What did I do??  So David gets up to get another beer for himself (which he doesn’t need…) comes back and lets me know that he just saved me.  He hopes I don’t mind, but he let the dude at the bar know that we (David and I) were old friends and no, I’m not interested.  Huh?  David then gets all angry and protective because the guy at the bar keeps looking over.  Really now?  C’mon.  Leave me be, all ye’all!!!  David tells me I don’t want anything to do with…ready?...”that damn Cherokee, ‘cause he’s been in jail and all he wants to do is…blah blah blah”.  I had no idea that the hate ran so deep and pure in Oklahoma.  You all realize that you stole everything you have from “those damn Cherokee”, right?  Naw, I didn’t think so.  (sigh)

I get up to take some photos of signs (because they’re in the shape of Oklahoma and they say Budwiser on em’)!  Here I meet “Oklahoma” as he called himself and now I will from here on out be referred to as “Miss Maine” (said with SEVERE southern drawl please).

Now I’m back at my seat and David and Anthony start telling me jokes and stories again (cue: booooored now) and I don’t really know what happened, but another (much bigger) Cherokee dude walks up next to me, lays his hand on my shoulder, looks down at me and says “ma’am, these guys aren’t giving you any trouble are they?”  I look up at him and over at David and Anthony and say “No, I’m fine!  Thanks for checking though!” Cherokee dude is not ok with my answer and what ensues is a testosterone stare down that lasts a FULL 3-4 minutes!!!!  How uncomfortable is that??!!  GAH!

Stares are broken off and Cherokee dude looks back down at me and says, “If you need anyone to stand outside your door tonight, I will do that for you until the morning.” Wow!  Really?  Ok, yea.  Now I’ll get a little frightened, because either your seeing something that I’m not (and I’m really good at seeing those things) or you’re completely paranoid and crazy nice.  OR!  You’re the one I have to worry about now. 

I did say no to the door guarding thing.  That’s just weird.  Maybe?  Hmmmmmm…he was the bouncer there so that made me feel a bit better.

So we all walk back to the hotel, they still want to drink, I say no way bah-bye, then proceed to place my taser, mace, and phone by the bed and jam a chair up against the door.

They were gone by the time I left in the morning.

SAFE!

Betcha I get a lollipop from someone tomorrow…

06/02/11

9:30 am:

Packing up to leave the hotel (alone).  I had collected numerous bottles along the way that held refreshing liquids (water, Starbucks coffee, soda pop, etc) so I needed to get them out of my car or be attacked at one point by all of them.  I brought them into the main office area and asked a gentleman sitting there if he knew if there was recycling.  He looked at me real weird and said “wha?” I asked him again (along with hand signals) and he told me to just put them in the trash.  I thanked him, tossed the bottles and went back to my car to continue to pack it.  Not two minutes later, said gentleman came out into the parking lot, walked up to me and profusely apologized to me saying “I done didn’t mean to be rude or nuthin’, but I couldn’t understand you missy.  You gots yerself a real weird accent.  You from Europe or sumthang?”  AHAHAHAHAHA!  Yes.  Europe.  Where we pronounce stuff.  Awesome.

Of course right before I’m ready to get into my car, Mr. Jerkface Creepazoid walks out and decides to lecture me AGAIN on all of the dangers involved with me driving to Alaska.  GAH!  Go away!!!

10:30 am:

Graceland!  Ok, so if you know me, you know that me and Elvis, well we just don’t see eye to eye.  I understand he may have revolutionized music, but there were hundreds of people before him who paved the way who never seem to get credit.  Maybe the fact that he blending the two cultures together gave him an up?  I don’t know…it’s like me and the Beatles.  C’mon now.  There are so many other bands and artists out there who were exactly like them (if not better).  It all comes down to marketing though, huh? 

Graceland is amazing though!  And his mansion??  It’s covered with mirrors!  On the walls, on the ceiling, in almost every room!  My favorite room was the jungle room.  It’s decked out all in 70’s eclectic furnishings.  The ceiling is even carpeted!

I ate lunch at the diner…I did NOT get the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich though (I was tempted).  Instead I got a grilled cheese with French fries and tap water…that cost me $8.00!!!  WHA?!  And this grilled cheese?  I think it was made for elementary school kids!  Hungry.

3:30 pm:

Ravenden!  I drove out of my way (2 hours that is) to go see this gigantic Raven in Ravenden…get it?  It was aweshum!  Of course, I believe that was the only thing Ravenden had going for it.  Poor Ravenden. 

8:00 pm:

Arrived in Eureka Springs, Oklahoma!  Why did I go here?  Hmmmmm…I can’t remember.

I pulled into a hotel parking lot (Stonegate Inn), walked into the main office and asked the woman how much a single room for one night would be.  She told me it would be $56 plus tax.  I told her I would keep looking, and thanked her.  HA!  No!  She wouldn’t let me!!!  She looked up (she was German with a super heavy accent) and asked me how much I wanted to pay…um…wha?  I told her that I passed another hotel that advertised $35.  So, what does she do?  She charges me $35 (including tax, and tax is like 14% in Oklahoma)!  She said she wanted me there and to be safe…I had not let her know I was traveling alone…it twas weird!  So, I check in, and begin toting all my stuff up to my room.  I somehow have a ton of stuff I need to bring into each room every time!  BAH!

While bringing my stuff in (I’m on the second floor and there’s a nice balcony that connects all of the rooms).  I notice a creepy dude sitting a couple doors down from my room and every time I looked at him he gives me this super wide smile.  Ohhhhhkay.  (sigh).  So I pack my stuff into the room, grab the beer out of my cooler and head out to the balcony to have a beer (I left the hotel in Memphis at 10:30 ‘member…I’m tired!).  Here I am on the balcony and I look over and this guy (the creepy one with the smile) has a Styrofoam cooler…I know I shouldn’t talk to him, but my beer was in my cooler all day (with lukewarm water…ice doesn’t stay so long when you’re in the South) and I just wanted a cold beer because it’s 97 degrees out and crazy humid!  Ok, I ask him if I could use his cooler for my beer in exchange for one of my beers.  Oh gosh.  I never knew anyone could get so excited over someone asking to use their cooler.  He almost tripped over himself and fell off the balcony!!!  Hmmmmmm…ok.  No problem.

Here I am sitting having beer, being relaxed and all and then there’s yelling from the other end of the balcony.  Someone is yellin’ “John Wayne, come here!”  Ok…either someone here is named John Wayne or the REAL John Wayne is actually staying at this hotel!!!!  WHEEEEEEEE!!

Ok.  It’s this dude.  Oh gosh!  AHAHAHAHAHA!

So now there’s this yelling weird fight between the two drunk redneck ladies at the other end and John Wayne (who is beside me).  And that’s when I notice.  John Wayne is creepy, but the nerdiest guy I have ever met!  Imagine saying “Star Wars” with the most amazing nerd lisp EVER!!!  And it’s constant, with the nerd laugh and the crazy lisp…do not laugh at this guy while he speaks…don’t you do it Amber!! 

So then one of the women comes down and plunks herself right next to me sayin’ “what chu doing here, baby?  What’s your name?”  I introduce myself to her and she introduces herself to me (Angel).  And somehow…she adopts me and stays on the balcony with me for the rest of the night. 

What do we talk about?  Oh, ya’ know, what normal people talk about, menopause, drunk driving, her accident while drunk driving, how her mom and stepdad are both dying and she has to take care of them, Rose in California.  You know, everyday conversational topics.  Of course I tell her that she should leave Eureka Springs because I’m pretty sure that being a redneck lesbian woman there isn’t very much fun!  Somehow it turned into me driving her to see Rose (Rose lives in the desert and does some sort of hallucinating drugs…or maybe ANGEL was on em’).  Rose kinda sounds like she should be part of the Manson family, but I ain’t saying that to Angel!!!  Nuh un!!!!  I tell her she needs to go when she’s ready…of course at this point she tells me she’s ready and that she’ll get her check at midnight (?????) so she can pay for gas.  Oh.  Good.  Yea.  That’s what I want, some crazy lady in my car for like 2000+ miles.  Yes, please.  I laugh it off and now she is on this thing where she needs more beer…she doesn’t really…trust me!  So she wants me to drive her to the store.  Nope.  Now she wants to take the car herself.  Nope.  NOW she wants to borrow $10 from me (she gets paid at midnight, which she mentions to me at least 6 times).  Nope.  And now?  I have an angry woman on my hands ‘cause I won’t lend her the cash.  I let her know that I am driving 6000 miles and I need all the cash I have…Angel!  Can you comprehend that??!!  Six THOUSAND miles!  Go bum cash off of someone else.  Oh, but not your friend there who is living in this hotel because she got evicted from her apartment, and not John Wayne who also lives here because he doesn’t have a job and you are supposedly supporting him even though he is just a (creepy) friend.  Oh!  And you live here too, huh?  What the heck is going on here???!!!!

Now Angel wants a “tilt” to be pronounced as teeeeeeeillt (all southern drawl like).  I ask her what that is and her answer?  Honey it’s just what it sounds like and you git em’ at the store.  They’re only $2.14!  You won’t need anything else tonight. 

Yes, Angel you are correct in a way.  I don’t need anything else tonight.  And why do you need $10 from me if a “tilt” is only $2.14????  Angel succumbs and says she only needs $5 then.  Nope.

Now she’s angry again and decides to ask me this: “You really won’t give me $10?  I’ll pay you back at midnight!  Why you being such a bitch about it?”  um….honey……..we already went through this.  6000 miles!  GAH!

Just then this Jeep Cherokee covered in mud screams into a parking space, two dudes hop out, whip off their shirts and go running toward the pool.  Yes.  That happened also.  But wait!!!!!  There’s more!!!!

They run back after jumping into the pool and start putting their shirts on when you know who (ehem, Angel) decides that she needs to invite them up to the balcony and try and bum beer off of them.  So they do!!!  They actually come up!!!  WHA??!!  With beer!!!  Why didn’t I stay in my room?  Hmmmmmm??

This is Kevin and Caustin (like Austin, but with a C), they’re pool hoppers and they have 4 more pools to go before they hit their planned out pool hoppin’ numbah.  Caustin is a redneck from Eureka Springs and Kevin is from the “city”…Kevin doesn’t have an accent, so that’s a dead give away. 

Of course, me being who I am and needing desperately to get away from Miss Happy Face here asks if I can pool hop with them.  NO AMBER!  NO!  Well, they got crazy excited…until I told them I was just kidding.  Waaaaaahahahaha. 

So off they go to hop in random hotel pools.

And once again I’m stuck with Angel.  And now she has a beer and John Wayne has delivered a straw to her, because that’s how you drink it in Oklahoma I guess.  Oh, and now she’s angry at John Wayne about some such nonsense, so I decide to take that opportune moment to escape and go swimming (because Angel thinks I’m koo-koo for wanting to go swimming!).  Perfect.

Thank goodness she decides to go hang out with her other friend while I’m swimming, so I can make a clean escape into my room!!!!  Phew! 

Angel also could not comprehend my trip at all and asked me what type of drugs I was on in order to go through with it.  HA! 

Oh, and the next person who asks me if I want to smoke pot with them or if I have anything on me or if I have anything more than pot on me, I’m going to punch them.  Yes.  Right in the neck.  Don’t assume that everyone needs your substances.  Some people are just naturally like this.  Sorry!!!  BAH!!!!

06/01/11

Last day with the other Amazon Goddess.  (pout)  So what do two amazing women do on their last day??!!  ZOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  If you do go to Memphis the only thing you should see is the Memphis zoo (and maybe Graceland).  We got to see a slow loris, grizzly bears (and watch a feeding), elephants, a tiger, sloths (sloves?  They were sleepin'...of course!), oh and…hmmmmmmmm…there was one more animal………..I can’t seem to remember…(snarf):  PANDAS!!!!!!!!!  AH!  They were both eatin’ bamboo (and makin’ a huge mess on their bellies while doing so I must say)!  Aw, man.  Pandas.  They wouldn’t let me take one home though.  Tssssssssss, whatever. 

3:30 pm:

Dropped Barb off at the Memphis airport.  Blech.  I tried to keep her, but she kept escaping outta all of my traps. 

Time unknown:

Dinner in the room alone!  Refried beans and canned corn with tortilla chips.  Mmmmmmm.  Yum. 

Now.  Sleep.

05/31/11

And this is where it goes downhill.  Memphis.  Yea.  Think of

Preble Street

, then envision ALL of the buildings abandoned, graffitied, with junk laying all about them.  That’s Memphis.  You don’t need to go there.  We sacrificed ourselves for you already.  You’re in the clear (whisper) go to Nashville, Tennessee!!

We checked into a hotel and decided that we should check out

Beale St

.  Which is just a testosterone infused French Quarter.  As Barb put it, “it’s like siblings are fighting with their stereos and every time one of them turns theirs up the other turns their music up even LOUDER!  Honestly, why do you need to compete with the business 3 doors down on the other side of the street??!!  BAH!  My head!  Just give us food and maybe a beer! 

We went into Silky O’Sullivans and got some veggie burgers (!!!) and whiskey.  We were going to sit outside, but the bombardment of every bar on the rest of the block was just tooooooooo much, so we sat inside.  What was cool was that they had a secondary bar parallel to the main bar.  There wasn’t bar service there but it was a counter with stools that looked over to the stage area.  Idea.

On the stage was what we think was a drunken man of about the age of 35ish playing piano and drinking.  He then decided to smoke (which as you know is not allowed in Tennessee bars).  I of course told him he was gonna get in trouble…crap!  And he did.  DOH! 

Barb and I then move outside because it seems to have quieted down (because it’s night time???).  We sit there for a bit decompressing and all of a sudden this older man walks up and offers to buy us drinks.  (sigh) 

We say no, we’re fine, and then he asks if he could just sit and talk with us for a bit.  Really?  Um…….ok.  I told him he would have to get his own chair because the chair he was in back of was playing the part of footstool for me.  Sometimes the Unicorn is napping.  ;)  Needless to say he was quite nice and from Australia!  OH!  We met another Aussie in Nashville who looked like Bon Jovi…I almost fell outta my chair when he walked in!  I can’t believe I didn’t tell you that!  Sorry!!!!! 

Anyway, he invites the guitarist from the 2 man blues band to sit with us and he was SUPER soft spoken, so I have no frackin’ idea what the heck he said all night!  Maaaahahahahaha!  This dude from Australia was nice enough.  He didn’t like to listen to other people’s stories, but that’s ok, we can listen real good.  He’s a “globetrotter” as I called him.  He’s been traveling the world for two years now.  Yea.  That dude’s got cash I think.  And then……..after all the great stories he told……..you know what he starts talkin’ ‘bout???  Music.  Producers, artists, blah blah blah.  NO!!!!  Bob Dylan, The Band, etc.  UGH!  I can’t take it!  NO!!!  Shut yer face!  I hate music talk.  Always have, always will.  Don’t even tell me that the album put out in blech was the best album that blech ever put out and that blech should go back to blech’s roots of that.  Don’t chu do it!!!!  I will junk punch you in the man bidness for that.  Let’s talk about life and dreams and people and experiences!  OK!  GO! 

Time unknown:

We escape from Aussie dude!  Phew!  Call the shuttle for the hotel and let them know that we are SO ready to be picked up.  Then…and this is the best part in my mind.  We get to hang out at the park on the curb where it’s quiet.  Some guy comes up and has a cigarette with us (across from us by the newspaper boxes) and is very cordial. 

Van pulls up!  YAY!  We get in and the girl lets us know that there is another couple we are waiting on.  So we move to the way back…because everyone in the hotel we’re staying at is over 40, so we need to be nice.

And then they happened.  Nice wife (meek?) and crazy mo’ fo’ husband!!!!!!!!  There are moments in my life when I wish (at 36) that my dad was with me sometimes.  Just so he could in his military frank way cut someone down to size.  So this guy, who’s maybe 50 decides that I SHOULD NOT be going on this trip alone because EVERYONE will try to kill, maim, and/or rape me.  He knows.  Oh….YES!  HE KNOWS!  Don’t argue with him because then the racial slurs may spew out just a wee bit…not enough for you to realize it until it’s too late though.  There’s a recording of him that I posted to my Facebook page, because words cannot describe this jerkface.  I unfortunately, missed the beginning of it, but it’s enough.  Yea.  We were stuck in a minivan with that guy.

The best part about it was that Barb started talking to me half way through it just so he wouldn’t talk to us…then he started talking again and I shushed her…she got mad at me!  AHAHAHAHAHA!  (she didn’t know I was recording him)  We worked it out though afterwards.  KroKUS!!!!!! 

Barb and I get back to the hotel (with him still jibber-jabbering about how much danger I’m gonna be in)—Ok.  The ONLY people who can tell me that at this length are my loves, Chad, and my parents.  That’s it dude.  You don’t even KNOW me!!  And don’t you tell me that if I use my taser on someone they are just gonna keep comin’ after me because they’ve been tazed so much.  Tssssss.  Give me a break.  It’ll knock a horse out!

We swim.  Barb and I sillies!!!  Not the crazy dude!  And it twas nice!  Sneaking in after 10 to swim and shushin’ each other every 2-3 minutes (‘cause we ain’t a-posed to be there).  YAY!  And then…………They show up!  The wife and creepazoid dude.  mmmmmmmmmmmGRRRRRRRR.  So we swim for a bit while he tells me about Alaska (because he knows everything about everything, you see)…I really don’t like this guy, could you tell?  And so we need to go, because the BEARS are now gonna eat me and the men in Alaska will somehow trap me there.  Guuuuuuussshhhh!  (that’s me punching him in the throatneck).  I am quoted as saying “Imma Panda, I DO WHAT I WANT, RRRRAAAAWWWRRR”.  No really.  I did actually say that to him.  It was either that or get out off the pool and through every electrical device I could lay my hands on into the pool. 

Barb is out of the water and ready.  I of course, wear an actual swimsuit when I swim so um…yea.  All this talk and Amber’s actually more frightened of the creepy dude with a wife than of the random dude on the street who hollered at her.  Luckily Barb is my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she looks at me (I’m still in the water…it’s 3 feet deep, but I’m submerged) and brings me my towel so I don’t have to get out of the pool without coverage.  I (heart) her. 

So we leave…trying to say goodnight to the couple, but now they’re making out in the pool.  GROSS!  Really???!!!  Ida tazed him.

05/30/11—continued

9:30pm:

Nashville.  Wow.  If you have never been her and you like music and boots, you NEED to go!!  It is amazing!

We decide to eat.  Yea.  Amazing right?  Maybe I should have kept Barbara…we seemed to have eaten more when she was here.  I just realized this morning that my food consumption for yesterday was a mini-can of pears, 2 cheese sticks, and some cashews.  I had Vitamin Water though!  A big un’!!  Ok, I’ll eat today.

Broadway Street

is the restaurant we had dinner at and it was DEEEE-licious!  While sitting there talking and people watching (the doors were open so you could basically sit “outside” and eat and watch everyone.  My favorite.), two young girls walk by.  One of them was carrying a neon yellow shirt and the other was wearing one.  I smiled as they walked by, ‘cause that’s how I roll, then watch them as they pass to see what these crazy shirts were that they had.  Bad idea.  I should not have looked.  Should have just kept my eyes inside the bar.  My next thought was:  I should not have smiled at them.  Then I got angry at myself for thinking that, because would that make me any better?  (sigh)

I have a shocked look on my face, turn to Barb and say, “Their shirts…they say…arrrrgggghhhhh…God Hates Gays.”  So we talk about it a bit and I get sad.  Then they walk by AGAIN (they’re both wearing them now).  AH!  So if you would take a moment.  It’s about 10pm and these girls are maybe 16 walking the main street of Nashville with its neon lights, and boots, and tourists, and drunken frat boys…yikes!

Just to preface this.  I have a temper.  Some of you may know this since you’ve been with me for so long and some of you would never have guessed this.  But it’s there and can flame up into a burning ball of rage if I let it, or if something catches me off guard.

Barb is on the phone with Matt, giving him an update (that means no distraction for Amber), and the girls plus another young boy walk by again.  I can’t take it.  I have to say something.  Unicorning involves more than making people happy or showing them that they can chase their dreams, it also involves trying to show people the other side of situations…yea. 

No.  Wait.  Come here.  –these were my words…I think—there sometimes is this ringing that happens in my head in confrontational situations that forces my brain to forget moments.  They come back, and I ask them what they are doing.  They start spewing off some Psalm line where it supposedly states “god hates gays”.  I don’t read the bible, but Imma pretty sure that anyone who translated the stories within did not specifically point out homosexuals.  I ask them how old they are (they are 16), then (while Barb is trying to frantically get off the phone with Matt, ‘cause I’m angry—to be alt-so said like “I’m HUNGRY”) I ask them how it is any different for them being black.  Yea.  Take that.  The boy looks at me and says “I’m Indian”.  Um…ok…so we’ll go with that one then, and honey, you may be part Indian, but there’s a whole lot of other stuffs in you to.  They somehow don’t understand what I’m asking, so Barb translates for me and points out the fact of prejudice and how as a human you can’t change who you are.  They went on to say that god loved them and that was all that matter.  Hmmmmmmm…I ask to see this bible they were quoting from.  The boy looks anxious, but the girls ask him to go back to the car and grab it.  Let’s just say that he did come back after awhile with no bible in his paws.  Barb asks them if they really think that god wants to spread hate.  You know what one of the girls said?  Do you???  REALLY???????!!!!  She said YES!  WHA??!!!  So, Barb repeats the question, because maybe they just misunderstood her.  The girl steps up and says YES AGAIN!!!!  I ask what kind of church they belong to (‘cause it sounds a little crazy to me!)…the church?  Yea, that is also a good one:  Repent or Burn in Hell Ministries.  Ouchie.

“I have the answer why the GAY youth are killing themselves! Because GOD HATES GAYS! GOD hated Esau who also fornicated (Romans 9:13 and Hebrews 12). The Bible states that GOD gave sinners strong delusions to believe a lie and because they would not retain GOD in their knowledge, he gave the GAYS up to a reprobate mind. In Romans 1 a reprobate minded person also is a person who will "murder." This is the reason no matter how much you try to explain away the fact that GOD has orchestrated the GAY YOUTH into killing themselves is the reason why they are dying. I.E. the GAY youth REFUSE to repent and to obey GOD.”

If you want to read more:http://newlifegospel.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general

UGH.  So, um…who needs a hug?  No?  You sure?  Seems like you do.  I tell them that I hope someday they will be able to grow and make their own decisions about life.  I hope they do.  It was a bit scary at points (well all of it really), but they were just like robots spewin’ out what they were told.  I told them to be careful on the streets tonight, since you know they’re young, there are 2 girls, and they’re wearing these shirts that perhaps might cause some turmoil.  They let me know they would be careful and that they carry mace with them.  OH!  Nice!  Spread the word of the Lord around Nashville with a pocket full of MACE!  See anything wrong with this picture kiddos??!!!  BAH!!!  Ok.  Get on outta here. (deep breath Amber & Barb)  Oh, and I bet you’ve never seen Barb angry either, huh?  Well, that there.  That’s absolutely frightening.  Don’t do it, unless you’re on her side…then you won’t really have to do anything ‘cause she’s like Storm from X-Men.

Ok.  Gimmie boots!  And there’s this store…see how I did that?  I totally just changed the subject.  Pay attention!  Here!  Over here!  BOOOOOOTTTTSSSS!!!!  Yay!!  Hey!  There’s a bucket on that lamp!  It’s buy one get 1 free!  Yes, please.  They range from $300-$500…I’m on a budget dudes!  Ouch!  I’ll get some from Zappos when I get home maybe.  Sorry Nashville.

Roger’s (?) maybe first?  It’s super crowded and the band playing at the top portion is awful.  We decide to sit downstairs and maybe wait for the 1^st floor band.  It’s rather like Ruskis there, only darker.  And the walls are filled with photos of famous people who have stopped in.  Supposedly, sometimes someone famous will walk in and just start singing for ya’.  That didn’t happen when we were there, and the band still hadn’t gotten set up, so we decide to walk the block and see what else is going on.  In Nashville, you can just wander up to a door and listen and see if you like what’s happening inside then choose to go in or not!  It’s aweshum!

Of course, somehow the gay haters from the ministry decided they needed to be on THIS side of the street so we had to keep avoiding them…Barb had her quiet angry look on…thassa dangerous…keep movin’…

We pass by this bluegrass bar, which had some amazing music coming from the band!  One of them turned around (the stage was right in the front window) and beckoned us to come in.  Barb and I traveled a little further (Lil’ Jon??!!  Whoa.  That place wasn’t doing so well…) then back again and finally entered Layla’s Bluegrass, Hillbilly, and Country Inn.

Layla’s was ½ empty, had an amazing bluegrass band playing, and a crazy friendly bartender (unlike the other jerkface woman at Roger’s)!!!  So we stayed there and had fun!  At one point we went to have a cigarette outside.  ‘Cause in Nashville you can smoke in a restaurant, but not in bars…wha?  Um…ok.  While we were out there we met several nice people.  No really!  There’s no sarcasm in that one this time!  One guy wanted us to buy flowers (which were obviously stolen from someone’s yard –snarf-), when we told him we couldn’t he broke off 2 small ones and handed them to us just for being us.  You say, “We got flowers”—then you do a Gila Monster face at random passer-byers just for fun (sometimes they get scared but usually they don’t know whether to smile or run away when you do this).  Barb bought a dollar newspaper from a dude on the street, I gave him a hug.  He was very happy. 

We’re back inside and the band is finishing up, so I walk over to buy a CD.  Somehow I managed to get all 4 CDs (they each had their own) for $5…AND!  We got invited to go to Tootsie’s with them where they can sometimes get on stage again and do more songs!  So Barb and I leave to go to Tootsies (it’s right next door) and on the way out we give hugs and introductions—Imma hugger if you didn’t know that about me—and the banjo player says mid-hug, “Darlin’ you probably shouldn’t have hugged me ‘cause now I ain’t lettin’ ya’ go” all Southern drawl and stuffs.  Awwwwwww.  Yea, ma’ husband wouldn’t be too fond of me bringing you home and I think the drive back would be rather uncomfortable considering. 

Time unknown:

Tootsies!  And we are introduced to MORE people who are crazy talented.  I think everyone in Nashville can sing, play multiple instruments, AND dance!  We were asked by Paul (he was in the band) if we could sing and if we wanted to come up on stage and do a song with them!  THEN!  They taught us how to two-step!!!!!!!!  Barb, I hope you’re practicing and teaching other people, because when I get back we’re doing this!  Barb is amazing at it by the way!!  Like she’s done it a million times before and is super relaxed!  Me on the other hand…ol’ spaz panda pants can actually dance.  Alone.  Without a partner (unless it’s Chad).  I found that out.  Yep.  How ‘bout this, Paul.  How ‘bout I just grab on and put ALL of my weight on you and you can dance the two-step and I can pretend I did too!  YAY!!!!  UP! UP! UP! 

Time unknown:

The night is over and we’re getting a cab back to the Drake Inn…ehem…where the stars stay, ‘member? 

We (heart) Tennessee.  Human experience +10.  Amber approved.

05/30/11

Today we started it off with a haunted cave!  The Bell Witch Cave!!!  It was gorgeous and amazing and all sorts of nice!!!  The woman giving the tour basically just talked to Barb and I the whole time.  Maybe she knew that we were believers…maybe she just saw that we were actually paying attention!  The cave had water in it too (and it was 60 degrees down there which is reaaaaaal nice in Tennessee!) so our feets got wet. 

You’re not supposed to take rocks from the cave, because you will be cursed and awful things will happen to you.  There are letters from people posted at the shop apologizing for taking rocks from the cave (they actually sent the rocks back)!  See, I’m collecting rocks along my travels for Nick (in Alaska) and I sooooooooooo wanted one from the Bell Witch Cave, but I know bettah.  I don’t want anything else happening to me!  We're doing pretty good at this point.  Two days with Leeloo (that’s the Element’s name, as in Leeloo Dallas multi-pass—Fifth Element) and nothing has gone drastically wrong.  Phew.  ‘Bout time. 

We also got a tour of a reproduction of a slave cabin.  Dogtrot style cabin.  The BEST architecture for the South.  I wants one please!!  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dogtrot_house

While sitting enjoying the recorded “tour” which was done by the people who own the land now AND! which included sound effects (ahaahahahahaha!!) some Southern girl completely freaked out because a wasp was “near” her.  Not just freaked out, but completely.  To the point of embarrassing!  Sprang up from her seat and basically crawled over to our side of the room yelling.  WHA?  You live in the South honey.  I’m pretty sure there are worse things here!  Sheesh!  The woman giving the tour told her it was a dirt dauber (it’s all black) and that it was completely harmless, but that the red ones were the scary ones (figured that).  Barb and I know this now.  We will probably never see one again, but this chick will most likely continue to freak out on this poor guys family for the rest of her life.

Barb:  “I’m bored”—to be said like “I’m HUNGRY”.  She’s so cute!!!  Finish the tour, get in the car and get a hotel in Naaaaaaaashville. 

7:00 pm:

This is the Drake Inn “Stay Where the Stars Stay” is printed on their sign.  Now, I don’t know what kinda stars stay here, but they ain’t no Johnny Cash or Shania Twain that’s fer sure!

Time unknown:

We decide we need to go downtown to check out Nashville, ‘cause that’s what you do in Nashville.  While getting ready, I had to go back and forth to the main office to ask about a bus schedule, mail some postcards, do laundry, etc.  Oh!  But before all this I called my mum who was worried that we were in someone’s driveway.  See, she’s tracking me on my iPhone which is good and bad ‘cause she’s completely obsessed!!  ;)  I feel safe though knowing that she knows exactly where I am at all times!  She did think the satellite images were in real time though and couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t see me!  GAH!  She is so adorable I can’t even stand it sometimes!!!!!!!!

Anyway, here I am walking back and forth (I change once), then Barb has to go out to get something.  There are some folks at the pool; a family to be exact (and the dude has the hairiest back I have EVER seen).  Their young son asks me if I can play in the pool with him, so my response is “Just give me a minute and I’ll be right out.”  Dad’s response is “aw, don’t break his heart!” so then I tell him I can’t and that I’m sorry. 

Barb goes out and the young boy asks her the same thing…Barb tells him the truth right off.  Then I go out again and dad says, “what are you giving us a fashion show here?”…aaaahahahahahaha!  Yea…wait for it though!

Finally Barb and I are ready (and my laundry is done) so we both walk out to the complete astonishment of the family!  “There are TWO of them!!!!!!!!!”  Now I know that Barb and I are both tall, but come on now!  We’re not that similar!  Sisters possibly if we’re both wearing sunglasses, but other than that?  Silly people!

Time unknown:

I ask the guy at the front desk how far it is to downtown and if it’s walkable (we’ve been in a car for a long time and need some exercise).  He tells me that it would probably cost us about $15 to get downtown and that he could call us a cab.  I ask him why we couldn’t walk and he says “Well, it’s hot out today, you should take a cab.”

When someone suggests that you take a cab…take a cab, silly!  We walk to the bus stop (‘cause we’re cheap) and stand there for a moment.  Some dude yells at us from across the street looking for a cigarette…really?  We’re across the street!  No.  Then Barb mentions that maybe it’s a holiday schedule.  AAAAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yep.  I dunno!!!  I’m on “vacation”!!!  Like smaht girls we decide to walk to downtown…after the 3^rd incident from passing cars (only 2 blocks away from our hotel…we have about 15 more blocks to go), I spot a gas station.  They have an ATM.  I get cash, and we call a cab.  Should have probably listened to the guy at the front desk, then we wouldn’t be lookin’ like a couple of street walkers hangin’ outside of a gas station.  It was very nice of that gentleman to ask if we needed a ride somewhere though…was it?  Hmmmmmmmm…our cab pulled up just then.  Safe.

Imma gonna pause now, ‘cause I have to see aliens (it’s the 8^th of June and I’m in Roswell, NM).  Yes, I know I’m WAY behind on this, but I’ll catch up at some point.  Promise.  Maybe…

Lots of crushing loves to all of you!!!!!!!!  MWUAH!

05/29/11

We got up!  And actually got to eat breakfast at Loretta’s Kitchen!  And yes, everything that is cooked in a Southern restaurant is made with animal products…even the biscuits…Yea, we got sick again!  Best weight loss program ever.  BAH!!!

So where are you goin’ now?  OH!  To METROPOLIS!!!!  To see Superman!!!  And possibly see Clark Kent (not Clark Bent).  On our way there Barb informed me of a secret…….ssssshhhhh………ready?..........Veggie burgers………at BURGER KING!  AAAAHHHHH!!!  Food!!!!  And we didn’t get sick (thank goodness!).  Somehow they are able to shove 16 grams of fat into a veggie burger though.  How is that even possible?  Meh, we needed it! 

City ham VS country ham.  That there is your project for today.  Barb and I already know, but I thought I would make this a bit interactive so you don’t get bored with all ma’ words…  ;)

5:30 pm:

Metropolis.  Oh.  Metropolis.  Wha’ happen?!  Metropolis is the EXACT opposite of um…the definition of the word.  Or a town really.  The buildings are all dilapidated and boarded up, there aren’t any people…well a few, but most of them are tourists.  It’s a sad, sad, sad place.  BUT!  They do have a gigantic Superman!!!!  Which is aweshum!  And a phone booth that you can change into Superman in!!  Barb did it!  So we shopped at the Superman store (please say this in the nerdy lispy way) and got some stuffs.  Then asked the guy at the counter where we should go.  He told us to get outta dodge, basically, or get outta Edge City (snarf)!  Metropolis is in a dry county.  Illinois is weird.  The only place to get beer or anything for that matter is the casino.  Pause for a moment please.  Yes, there is a casino in Metropolis.  That’s where all the people are I guess.  It’s the nicest looking building in the whole town (from the outside).  Funny how this may be the evidence people need to fight against casinos.  Just go to Metropolis.  Casinos won’t make income for the town, see.  All the cash is siphoned out to another state.  You may get a couple of jobs, but what about your local dealer?  Hmmmmm?  Oh, they’re all gone.  Tsssssss.  Ok.  No more politics.  Sorry.

Time unknown:

We decide to beat feet it out of Illinois and try out Kentucky.  Yea, Kentucky is stupid with mean people in it.  The girl at the hotel was completely put out by my question as to if there was a AAA discount.  Well, if you’re gonna have that kind of attitude, I can go someplace else!

9:40 pm:

Tennessee!!!!!  Ah.  Home.  (heart)  And then we played on the internet until midnight!  I may have posted 1 song like 4 times, ‘cause my computer was acting funny.   WAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!