05/31/11

And this is where it goes downhill.  Memphis.  Yea.  Think of

Preble Street

, then envision ALL of the buildings abandoned, graffitied, with junk laying all about them.  That’s Memphis.  You don’t need to go there.  We sacrificed ourselves for you already.  You’re in the clear (whisper) go to Nashville, Tennessee!!

We checked into a hotel and decided that we should check out

Beale St

.  Which is just a testosterone infused French Quarter.  As Barb put it, “it’s like siblings are fighting with their stereos and every time one of them turns theirs up the other turns their music up even LOUDER!  Honestly, why do you need to compete with the business 3 doors down on the other side of the street??!!  BAH!  My head!  Just give us food and maybe a beer! 

We went into Silky O’Sullivans and got some veggie burgers (!!!) and whiskey.  We were going to sit outside, but the bombardment of every bar on the rest of the block was just tooooooooo much, so we sat inside.  What was cool was that they had a secondary bar parallel to the main bar.  There wasn’t bar service there but it was a counter with stools that looked over to the stage area.  Idea.

On the stage was what we think was a drunken man of about the age of 35ish playing piano and drinking.  He then decided to smoke (which as you know is not allowed in Tennessee bars).  I of course told him he was gonna get in trouble…crap!  And he did.  DOH! 

Barb and I then move outside because it seems to have quieted down (because it’s night time???).  We sit there for a bit decompressing and all of a sudden this older man walks up and offers to buy us drinks.  (sigh) 

We say no, we’re fine, and then he asks if he could just sit and talk with us for a bit.  Really?  Um…….ok.  I told him he would have to get his own chair because the chair he was in back of was playing the part of footstool for me.  Sometimes the Unicorn is napping.  ;)  Needless to say he was quite nice and from Australia!  OH!  We met another Aussie in Nashville who looked like Bon Jovi…I almost fell outta my chair when he walked in!  I can’t believe I didn’t tell you that!  Sorry!!!!! 

Anyway, he invites the guitarist from the 2 man blues band to sit with us and he was SUPER soft spoken, so I have no frackin’ idea what the heck he said all night!  Maaaahahahahaha!  This dude from Australia was nice enough.  He didn’t like to listen to other people’s stories, but that’s ok, we can listen real good.  He’s a “globetrotter” as I called him.  He’s been traveling the world for two years now.  Yea.  That dude’s got cash I think.  And then……..after all the great stories he told……..you know what he starts talkin’ ‘bout???  Music.  Producers, artists, blah blah blah.  NO!!!!  Bob Dylan, The Band, etc.  UGH!  I can’t take it!  NO!!!  Shut yer face!  I hate music talk.  Always have, always will.  Don’t even tell me that the album put out in blech was the best album that blech ever put out and that blech should go back to blech’s roots of that.  Don’t chu do it!!!!  I will junk punch you in the man bidness for that.  Let’s talk about life and dreams and people and experiences!  OK!  GO! 

Time unknown:

We escape from Aussie dude!  Phew!  Call the shuttle for the hotel and let them know that we are SO ready to be picked up.  Then…and this is the best part in my mind.  We get to hang out at the park on the curb where it’s quiet.  Some guy comes up and has a cigarette with us (across from us by the newspaper boxes) and is very cordial. 

Van pulls up!  YAY!  We get in and the girl lets us know that there is another couple we are waiting on.  So we move to the way back…because everyone in the hotel we’re staying at is over 40, so we need to be nice.

And then they happened.  Nice wife (meek?) and crazy mo’ fo’ husband!!!!!!!!  There are moments in my life when I wish (at 36) that my dad was with me sometimes.  Just so he could in his military frank way cut someone down to size.  So this guy, who’s maybe 50 decides that I SHOULD NOT be going on this trip alone because EVERYONE will try to kill, maim, and/or rape me.  He knows.  Oh….YES!  HE KNOWS!  Don’t argue with him because then the racial slurs may spew out just a wee bit…not enough for you to realize it until it’s too late though.  There’s a recording of him that I posted to my Facebook page, because words cannot describe this jerkface.  I unfortunately, missed the beginning of it, but it’s enough.  Yea.  We were stuck in a minivan with that guy.

The best part about it was that Barb started talking to me half way through it just so he wouldn’t talk to us…then he started talking again and I shushed her…she got mad at me!  AHAHAHAHAHA!  (she didn’t know I was recording him)  We worked it out though afterwards.  KroKUS!!!!!! 

Barb and I get back to the hotel (with him still jibber-jabbering about how much danger I’m gonna be in)—Ok.  The ONLY people who can tell me that at this length are my loves, Chad, and my parents.  That’s it dude.  You don’t even KNOW me!!  And don’t you tell me that if I use my taser on someone they are just gonna keep comin’ after me because they’ve been tazed so much.  Tssssss.  Give me a break.  It’ll knock a horse out!

We swim.  Barb and I sillies!!!  Not the crazy dude!  And it twas nice!  Sneaking in after 10 to swim and shushin’ each other every 2-3 minutes (‘cause we ain’t a-posed to be there).  YAY!  And then…………They show up!  The wife and creepazoid dude.  mmmmmmmmmmmGRRRRRRRR.  So we swim for a bit while he tells me about Alaska (because he knows everything about everything, you see)…I really don’t like this guy, could you tell?  And so we need to go, because the BEARS are now gonna eat me and the men in Alaska will somehow trap me there.  Guuuuuuussshhhh!  (that’s me punching him in the throatneck).  I am quoted as saying “Imma Panda, I DO WHAT I WANT, RRRRAAAAWWWRRR”.  No really.  I did actually say that to him.  It was either that or get out off the pool and through every electrical device I could lay my hands on into the pool. 

Barb is out of the water and ready.  I of course, wear an actual swimsuit when I swim so um…yea.  All this talk and Amber’s actually more frightened of the creepy dude with a wife than of the random dude on the street who hollered at her.  Luckily Barb is my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she looks at me (I’m still in the water…it’s 3 feet deep, but I’m submerged) and brings me my towel so I don’t have to get out of the pool without coverage.  I (heart) her. 

So we leave…trying to say goodnight to the couple, but now they’re making out in the pool.  GROSS!  Really???!!!  Ida tazed him.

05/30/11—continued

9:30pm:

Nashville.  Wow.  If you have never been her and you like music and boots, you NEED to go!!  It is amazing!

We decide to eat.  Yea.  Amazing right?  Maybe I should have kept Barbara…we seemed to have eaten more when she was here.  I just realized this morning that my food consumption for yesterday was a mini-can of pears, 2 cheese sticks, and some cashews.  I had Vitamin Water though!  A big un’!!  Ok, I’ll eat today.

Broadway Street

is the restaurant we had dinner at and it was DEEEE-licious!  While sitting there talking and people watching (the doors were open so you could basically sit “outside” and eat and watch everyone.  My favorite.), two young girls walk by.  One of them was carrying a neon yellow shirt and the other was wearing one.  I smiled as they walked by, ‘cause that’s how I roll, then watch them as they pass to see what these crazy shirts were that they had.  Bad idea.  I should not have looked.  Should have just kept my eyes inside the bar.  My next thought was:  I should not have smiled at them.  Then I got angry at myself for thinking that, because would that make me any better?  (sigh)

I have a shocked look on my face, turn to Barb and say, “Their shirts…they say…arrrrgggghhhhh…God Hates Gays.”  So we talk about it a bit and I get sad.  Then they walk by AGAIN (they’re both wearing them now).  AH!  So if you would take a moment.  It’s about 10pm and these girls are maybe 16 walking the main street of Nashville with its neon lights, and boots, and tourists, and drunken frat boys…yikes!

Just to preface this.  I have a temper.  Some of you may know this since you’ve been with me for so long and some of you would never have guessed this.  But it’s there and can flame up into a burning ball of rage if I let it, or if something catches me off guard.

Barb is on the phone with Matt, giving him an update (that means no distraction for Amber), and the girls plus another young boy walk by again.  I can’t take it.  I have to say something.  Unicorning involves more than making people happy or showing them that they can chase their dreams, it also involves trying to show people the other side of situations…yea. 

No.  Wait.  Come here.  –these were my words…I think—there sometimes is this ringing that happens in my head in confrontational situations that forces my brain to forget moments.  They come back, and I ask them what they are doing.  They start spewing off some Psalm line where it supposedly states “god hates gays”.  I don’t read the bible, but Imma pretty sure that anyone who translated the stories within did not specifically point out homosexuals.  I ask them how old they are (they are 16), then (while Barb is trying to frantically get off the phone with Matt, ‘cause I’m angry—to be alt-so said like “I’m HUNGRY”) I ask them how it is any different for them being black.  Yea.  Take that.  The boy looks at me and says “I’m Indian”.  Um…ok…so we’ll go with that one then, and honey, you may be part Indian, but there’s a whole lot of other stuffs in you to.  They somehow don’t understand what I’m asking, so Barb translates for me and points out the fact of prejudice and how as a human you can’t change who you are.  They went on to say that god loved them and that was all that matter.  Hmmmmmmm…I ask to see this bible they were quoting from.  The boy looks anxious, but the girls ask him to go back to the car and grab it.  Let’s just say that he did come back after awhile with no bible in his paws.  Barb asks them if they really think that god wants to spread hate.  You know what one of the girls said?  Do you???  REALLY???????!!!!  She said YES!  WHA??!!!  So, Barb repeats the question, because maybe they just misunderstood her.  The girl steps up and says YES AGAIN!!!!  I ask what kind of church they belong to (‘cause it sounds a little crazy to me!)…the church?  Yea, that is also a good one:  Repent or Burn in Hell Ministries.  Ouchie.

“I have the answer why the GAY youth are killing themselves! Because GOD HATES GAYS! GOD hated Esau who also fornicated (Romans 9:13 and Hebrews 12). The Bible states that GOD gave sinners strong delusions to believe a lie and because they would not retain GOD in their knowledge, he gave the GAYS up to a reprobate mind. In Romans 1 a reprobate minded person also is a person who will "murder." This is the reason no matter how much you try to explain away the fact that GOD has orchestrated the GAY YOUTH into killing themselves is the reason why they are dying. I.E. the GAY youth REFUSE to repent and to obey GOD.”

If you want to read more:http://newlifegospel.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general

UGH.  So, um…who needs a hug?  No?  You sure?  Seems like you do.  I tell them that I hope someday they will be able to grow and make their own decisions about life.  I hope they do.  It was a bit scary at points (well all of it really), but they were just like robots spewin’ out what they were told.  I told them to be careful on the streets tonight, since you know they’re young, there are 2 girls, and they’re wearing these shirts that perhaps might cause some turmoil.  They let me know they would be careful and that they carry mace with them.  OH!  Nice!  Spread the word of the Lord around Nashville with a pocket full of MACE!  See anything wrong with this picture kiddos??!!!  BAH!!!  Ok.  Get on outta here. (deep breath Amber & Barb)  Oh, and I bet you’ve never seen Barb angry either, huh?  Well, that there.  That’s absolutely frightening.  Don’t do it, unless you’re on her side…then you won’t really have to do anything ‘cause she’s like Storm from X-Men.

Ok.  Gimmie boots!  And there’s this store…see how I did that?  I totally just changed the subject.  Pay attention!  Here!  Over here!  BOOOOOOTTTTSSSS!!!!  Yay!!  Hey!  There’s a bucket on that lamp!  It’s buy one get 1 free!  Yes, please.  They range from $300-$500…I’m on a budget dudes!  Ouch!  I’ll get some from Zappos when I get home maybe.  Sorry Nashville.

Roger’s (?) maybe first?  It’s super crowded and the band playing at the top portion is awful.  We decide to sit downstairs and maybe wait for the 1^st floor band.  It’s rather like Ruskis there, only darker.  And the walls are filled with photos of famous people who have stopped in.  Supposedly, sometimes someone famous will walk in and just start singing for ya’.  That didn’t happen when we were there, and the band still hadn’t gotten set up, so we decide to walk the block and see what else is going on.  In Nashville, you can just wander up to a door and listen and see if you like what’s happening inside then choose to go in or not!  It’s aweshum!

Of course, somehow the gay haters from the ministry decided they needed to be on THIS side of the street so we had to keep avoiding them…Barb had her quiet angry look on…thassa dangerous…keep movin’…

We pass by this bluegrass bar, which had some amazing music coming from the band!  One of them turned around (the stage was right in the front window) and beckoned us to come in.  Barb and I traveled a little further (Lil’ Jon??!!  Whoa.  That place wasn’t doing so well…) then back again and finally entered Layla’s Bluegrass, Hillbilly, and Country Inn.

Layla’s was ½ empty, had an amazing bluegrass band playing, and a crazy friendly bartender (unlike the other jerkface woman at Roger’s)!!!  So we stayed there and had fun!  At one point we went to have a cigarette outside.  ‘Cause in Nashville you can smoke in a restaurant, but not in bars…wha?  Um…ok.  While we were out there we met several nice people.  No really!  There’s no sarcasm in that one this time!  One guy wanted us to buy flowers (which were obviously stolen from someone’s yard –snarf-), when we told him we couldn’t he broke off 2 small ones and handed them to us just for being us.  You say, “We got flowers”—then you do a Gila Monster face at random passer-byers just for fun (sometimes they get scared but usually they don’t know whether to smile or run away when you do this).  Barb bought a dollar newspaper from a dude on the street, I gave him a hug.  He was very happy. 

We’re back inside and the band is finishing up, so I walk over to buy a CD.  Somehow I managed to get all 4 CDs (they each had their own) for $5…AND!  We got invited to go to Tootsie’s with them where they can sometimes get on stage again and do more songs!  So Barb and I leave to go to Tootsies (it’s right next door) and on the way out we give hugs and introductions—Imma hugger if you didn’t know that about me—and the banjo player says mid-hug, “Darlin’ you probably shouldn’t have hugged me ‘cause now I ain’t lettin’ ya’ go” all Southern drawl and stuffs.  Awwwwwww.  Yea, ma’ husband wouldn’t be too fond of me bringing you home and I think the drive back would be rather uncomfortable considering. 

Time unknown:

Tootsies!  And we are introduced to MORE people who are crazy talented.  I think everyone in Nashville can sing, play multiple instruments, AND dance!  We were asked by Paul (he was in the band) if we could sing and if we wanted to come up on stage and do a song with them!  THEN!  They taught us how to two-step!!!!!!!!  Barb, I hope you’re practicing and teaching other people, because when I get back we’re doing this!  Barb is amazing at it by the way!!  Like she’s done it a million times before and is super relaxed!  Me on the other hand…ol’ spaz panda pants can actually dance.  Alone.  Without a partner (unless it’s Chad).  I found that out.  Yep.  How ‘bout this, Paul.  How ‘bout I just grab on and put ALL of my weight on you and you can dance the two-step and I can pretend I did too!  YAY!!!!  UP! UP! UP! 

Time unknown:

The night is over and we’re getting a cab back to the Drake Inn…ehem…where the stars stay, ‘member? 

We (heart) Tennessee.  Human experience +10.  Amber approved.

05/30/11

Today we started it off with a haunted cave!  The Bell Witch Cave!!!  It was gorgeous and amazing and all sorts of nice!!!  The woman giving the tour basically just talked to Barb and I the whole time.  Maybe she knew that we were believers…maybe she just saw that we were actually paying attention!  The cave had water in it too (and it was 60 degrees down there which is reaaaaaal nice in Tennessee!) so our feets got wet. 

You’re not supposed to take rocks from the cave, because you will be cursed and awful things will happen to you.  There are letters from people posted at the shop apologizing for taking rocks from the cave (they actually sent the rocks back)!  See, I’m collecting rocks along my travels for Nick (in Alaska) and I sooooooooooo wanted one from the Bell Witch Cave, but I know bettah.  I don’t want anything else happening to me!  We're doing pretty good at this point.  Two days with Leeloo (that’s the Element’s name, as in Leeloo Dallas multi-pass—Fifth Element) and nothing has gone drastically wrong.  Phew.  ‘Bout time. 

We also got a tour of a reproduction of a slave cabin.  Dogtrot style cabin.  The BEST architecture for the South.  I wants one please!!  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dogtrot_house

While sitting enjoying the recorded “tour” which was done by the people who own the land now AND! which included sound effects (ahaahahahahaha!!) some Southern girl completely freaked out because a wasp was “near” her.  Not just freaked out, but completely.  To the point of embarrassing!  Sprang up from her seat and basically crawled over to our side of the room yelling.  WHA?  You live in the South honey.  I’m pretty sure there are worse things here!  Sheesh!  The woman giving the tour told her it was a dirt dauber (it’s all black) and that it was completely harmless, but that the red ones were the scary ones (figured that).  Barb and I know this now.  We will probably never see one again, but this chick will most likely continue to freak out on this poor guys family for the rest of her life.

Barb:  “I’m bored”—to be said like “I’m HUNGRY”.  She’s so cute!!!  Finish the tour, get in the car and get a hotel in Naaaaaaaashville. 

7:00 pm:

This is the Drake Inn “Stay Where the Stars Stay” is printed on their sign.  Now, I don’t know what kinda stars stay here, but they ain’t no Johnny Cash or Shania Twain that’s fer sure!

Time unknown:

We decide we need to go downtown to check out Nashville, ‘cause that’s what you do in Nashville.  While getting ready, I had to go back and forth to the main office to ask about a bus schedule, mail some postcards, do laundry, etc.  Oh!  But before all this I called my mum who was worried that we were in someone’s driveway.  See, she’s tracking me on my iPhone which is good and bad ‘cause she’s completely obsessed!!  ;)  I feel safe though knowing that she knows exactly where I am at all times!  She did think the satellite images were in real time though and couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t see me!  GAH!  She is so adorable I can’t even stand it sometimes!!!!!!!!

Anyway, here I am walking back and forth (I change once), then Barb has to go out to get something.  There are some folks at the pool; a family to be exact (and the dude has the hairiest back I have EVER seen).  Their young son asks me if I can play in the pool with him, so my response is “Just give me a minute and I’ll be right out.”  Dad’s response is “aw, don’t break his heart!” so then I tell him I can’t and that I’m sorry. 

Barb goes out and the young boy asks her the same thing…Barb tells him the truth right off.  Then I go out again and dad says, “what are you giving us a fashion show here?”…aaaahahahahahaha!  Yea…wait for it though!

Finally Barb and I are ready (and my laundry is done) so we both walk out to the complete astonishment of the family!  “There are TWO of them!!!!!!!!!”  Now I know that Barb and I are both tall, but come on now!  We’re not that similar!  Sisters possibly if we’re both wearing sunglasses, but other than that?  Silly people!

Time unknown:

I ask the guy at the front desk how far it is to downtown and if it’s walkable (we’ve been in a car for a long time and need some exercise).  He tells me that it would probably cost us about $15 to get downtown and that he could call us a cab.  I ask him why we couldn’t walk and he says “Well, it’s hot out today, you should take a cab.”

When someone suggests that you take a cab…take a cab, silly!  We walk to the bus stop (‘cause we’re cheap) and stand there for a moment.  Some dude yells at us from across the street looking for a cigarette…really?  We’re across the street!  No.  Then Barb mentions that maybe it’s a holiday schedule.  AAAAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yep.  I dunno!!!  I’m on “vacation”!!!  Like smaht girls we decide to walk to downtown…after the 3^rd incident from passing cars (only 2 blocks away from our hotel…we have about 15 more blocks to go), I spot a gas station.  They have an ATM.  I get cash, and we call a cab.  Should have probably listened to the guy at the front desk, then we wouldn’t be lookin’ like a couple of street walkers hangin’ outside of a gas station.  It was very nice of that gentleman to ask if we needed a ride somewhere though…was it?  Hmmmmmmmm…our cab pulled up just then.  Safe.

Imma gonna pause now, ‘cause I have to see aliens (it’s the 8^th of June and I’m in Roswell, NM).  Yes, I know I’m WAY behind on this, but I’ll catch up at some point.  Promise.  Maybe…

Lots of crushing loves to all of you!!!!!!!!  MWUAH!

05/29/11

We got up!  And actually got to eat breakfast at Loretta’s Kitchen!  And yes, everything that is cooked in a Southern restaurant is made with animal products…even the biscuits…Yea, we got sick again!  Best weight loss program ever.  BAH!!!

So where are you goin’ now?  OH!  To METROPOLIS!!!!  To see Superman!!!  And possibly see Clark Kent (not Clark Bent).  On our way there Barb informed me of a secret…….ssssshhhhh………ready?..........Veggie burgers………at BURGER KING!  AAAAHHHHH!!!  Food!!!!  And we didn’t get sick (thank goodness!).  Somehow they are able to shove 16 grams of fat into a veggie burger though.  How is that even possible?  Meh, we needed it! 

City ham VS country ham.  That there is your project for today.  Barb and I already know, but I thought I would make this a bit interactive so you don’t get bored with all ma’ words…  ;)

5:30 pm:

Metropolis.  Oh.  Metropolis.  Wha’ happen?!  Metropolis is the EXACT opposite of um…the definition of the word.  Or a town really.  The buildings are all dilapidated and boarded up, there aren’t any people…well a few, but most of them are tourists.  It’s a sad, sad, sad place.  BUT!  They do have a gigantic Superman!!!!  Which is aweshum!  And a phone booth that you can change into Superman in!!  Barb did it!  So we shopped at the Superman store (please say this in the nerdy lispy way) and got some stuffs.  Then asked the guy at the counter where we should go.  He told us to get outta dodge, basically, or get outta Edge City (snarf)!  Metropolis is in a dry county.  Illinois is weird.  The only place to get beer or anything for that matter is the casino.  Pause for a moment please.  Yes, there is a casino in Metropolis.  That’s where all the people are I guess.  It’s the nicest looking building in the whole town (from the outside).  Funny how this may be the evidence people need to fight against casinos.  Just go to Metropolis.  Casinos won’t make income for the town, see.  All the cash is siphoned out to another state.  You may get a couple of jobs, but what about your local dealer?  Hmmmmm?  Oh, they’re all gone.  Tsssssss.  Ok.  No more politics.  Sorry.

Time unknown:

We decide to beat feet it out of Illinois and try out Kentucky.  Yea, Kentucky is stupid with mean people in it.  The girl at the hotel was completely put out by my question as to if there was a AAA discount.  Well, if you’re gonna have that kind of attitude, I can go someplace else!

9:40 pm:

Tennessee!!!!!  Ah.  Home.  (heart)  And then we played on the internet until midnight!  I may have posted 1 song like 4 times, ‘cause my computer was acting funny.   WAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! 

05/28/11

9:30 am:

UP! UP! UP!  We gots ta’ get some wheels to get (git?) to Loretta!!!  Starbucks for some real gooooood coffee and a blueberry scone.  The one thing I may miss the most about Maine (other than the humans) is it’s abundance of coffee shops, oh and food stuffs I can eat…I need some greens, dammit!!! 

11:30 am:

Hyundai dealership (yea, they were surprised to see us!).  And let me tell ya’!  Tennessee dealership dudes are the nicest people you will ever meet!  We were introduced to everyone there and they hung out with us the whole time!!  WOW!  I’m supposed to send a postcard to them during my travels.  (heart)  We also met this young bloke who was wearing camo and looked exactly like Tom Cruise!  He even had aviator shades and a dog head thing that you usually wear with a whole costume (um…)…when he was leaving; he walked up to me and said, “So, I’m going now.  I just wanted to let you know” and then stood there awkwardly.  What does a unicorn do?  She gets real excited and asks if she can take a picture of him!  YAY!  He was into it!

So, I buy a 2004 Honda Element.  Hold back tears as we clean out Jezebel…still holding back tears.  It’s for the best though!  I would be totally stressed the whole trip if still had her. 

3:00 pm:

DONE!  Finally!!  STARVING!!!!!!!!!

Barb and I go to this restaurant and EAT!  Fish & chips.  Yes, I’m a vegetarian, but sometimes one just has to break down and try and get some good stuffs in ya’ especially when you can’t find anything that will sustain your body so well in the South.

Oh…and then we both got sick.  Tssssssssss. 

7:30 pm:

Pull into Loretta Lynn’s ranch!  The show starts at 8:00 pm.  That was close!  I spoke with Melinda and she told me to come back the next day so that she could refund me the whole amount for our campsite.  I had reserved a full hookup site for us so we could hang on the ranch all day…that’s hard to do in an Element!  I love Melinda!  We gots us some Loretta Lynn beer cozies (they’re denim), one beer each to put into our new cozies, and settled into our seats—center stage, ninth row, right smack in the middle!  It twas the most amazing show EVAH!!!!!  Loretta had had knee surgery so she had to sit the whole time, but she came out and sang for us.  You could tell she was in pain sometimes, but damn.  That woman is AMAZING!

9:00 pm:

Off to town to check into the Knights Inn…they supposedly had a discount running for that night because of the show.  I don’t know what kind of discount it was since it cost us $90 for the room, but meh.  Oh, and it was FILTHY!  I took pictures, but they make me sick, so I will post them after the shock has worn off.  GROSS! 

Barb and I then settled on the bed to plot out Sunday!!! 

Oh, and the only radio station that came in was a religious one.  Hurricane Mills.

05/27/11

Woke up in the Wal Mart parking lot…and getting down from that bed was um…difficult!  Some major ballerina moves were involved and I did NOT get hurt!  Wow!

A crow came to see me this morning.  And funny that, ravens have been with me ever since.  They’re big.  Bada Boom Big. 

We decide we need a couple things so how convenient is it that Wal Mahts is right there!  Cooler is in order since I don’t want to run the propane to power the fridge.  One that fits into the fridge would be awesome.  And we need some Fabreeze.  For the van and yea, for me.  I told Barb she could secretly spritz me while I was sleepin’.  So we walk into the Wal Mart…and now Henderson, North Carolina has experienced the Amber & Barb amazingness.  I passed by a 70 year old woman and smiled at her (that’s what I do) and she looked up, smiled back and said “How ya’ doin’, baby?”  WHA??!!!  Aaahahahahaha!  I heart North Carolina!

Atlantic Bread Company for REAL coffee and “bagels” which Barb termed “breakfast dumplin’s”, ‘cause if those were bagels I’m frightened as to what actual bread is! 

10:30 am:

On the road towards Nashville…after a text from mama being concerned because we were in one spot for too long (heart). 

So, we went up the mountain the night before, right?  At 3370’ in elevation we then needed to go down the mountain.  And going down weren’t no good at all!  All of a sudden Barb looked at me and said “smell something?”, I looked at her and said “yea, but I was trying to ignore it and pretend it’s the truck in front of us”.  So Barb rolls down her window and looks back at me and says…yea, that’s us.  CRAP!  WHA??!!  It smells like burning rubber!  Now what??! 

1:20 pm

Pulled over to the shoulder, pop the hood, look in—nothing.  I walk to the passenger side of the van and witness frickin’ SMOKE coming out from around the wheel well.  Aweshum.  No.  Not awesome at ALL!  I grab the extinguisher just in case since I have TWO full gas tanks on this beast and my bag with wallet and phone (just in case).  Barb gets her water ready…The smoke starts to clear, Barb gets in the van to change out of her dress and into jeans, and I crawl under the car to check it out.  Um…the breaks were basically so hot that they were melting away the rough layer on the pad and gooshy hot black stuffs was all over the inside off the break shaft.  YAY!  So I shimmy out and give her the news.  We call Matt to see if he can help us (break fluid is still full thank goodness) and I drove it just about 4 feet to make sure I still had breaks.

We get out the Atlas to see if we can tell if there is any more mountain…and the first person who can read the terrain of a mountain on an atlas gets a prize!!!  Luckily, I’m the unicorn and sometimes just make up happy stuff for the hell of it.  I told her we only had a wee bit more to go and then we were out of the mountains…the Appalachian Mountains… (she believed me and thank goodness it was actually true!!)Matt told us to keep it in low gear and just pump the breaks in order to get air onto them.  What’s weird is that I was pumping the breaks to begin with, so I have NO idea why they…well…got stupid on us!

3:00 pm:

We got down the mountain!  YAY! And entered Tennessee, which is officially my mostest favorite state so far!!!  It’s gorgeous, the people are AMAZING, and it’s hot!  Barb made us sandwiches in the van (while I was drving…shhhhhh) which consisted of Tofurky, cheesesticks, mayo, and mustard on Lavish bread with a side of Pirate Booty!  (Eat)

7:00 pm:

And you thought Amber could only have one scare per day after what she dealt with on the first day?   TSSSSSSSS…she’s WAY stronger than that and very much appreciates being tested.  Consistently.  No really…….especially car stuffs!  That’s awesome.

We stop for gas (yet again) in Cookeville, TN…and yes.  We know the name of this town, it will be with us for the rest of eternity.

I decide that I should check my fluids.  Well, not MY fluids that would be weird!  The van’s fluids.  Everything looks good (well almost everything).  I turn on her engine to check the transmission fluid (you have to have it running to check transmission fluid FYI) pull the stick and look at…nothing…aw man.  WHA?   Dip again, nothing.  I shut the van off, and shimmy under her again to spy a puddle of transmission fluid on the ground and a ton splooged all over the under carriage.  YAY!  YAYAYAYAYAY!  Barb gets out to check it, calls Matt again (sorry Matt!!) I go in to see if there is a garage around that we can bring her to.  There’s one down the way.  Jasper’s.  I then ask if there are used car dealerships around anywhere.  The dude says yes, they’re all up and down this road as you drive into town.

See, this is what the 4^th bad thing that’s happened?  I’m only in Tennessee!  I have to get to Alaska and I won’t have Barb there with me the whole time to help!!  AH! 

Jasper’s can’t fix it until Tuesday—we have to be at Loretta Lynn’s ranch in Hurricane Mills TOMORROW!!  I ask him if he wants to buy it offa me, but his wife is there…he says no.

Barb and I drive around all of Cookeville and end up in the seedy scary part looking for a used car or truck or van for me.  I pull over and call the Jeep dealer, they’re closed.  I call the Ford dealer, man picks up and lets me know he will let the sales team know to call me tomorrow…he ends the conversation with an “I ‘preciate you”.  <3  Drove to the convenience store to get some beer, ‘cause well…I needed something.  And we met 3 of the nicest young men ever!  AND!!  We got to inspire them to go on a roadtrip (they unfortunately didn’t want to buy Jezebel off of me)!  We asked where we could get whiskey and they directed us toward what “may or may not be a liquor store”.  Cookeville has a law that a liquor store can’t be within 100’ of a church and Cookeville has got a lot of churches!!  As we were driving toward what may or may not be a liquor store, I pull into the Hyundai dealership (‘cause I saw a red Jeep Wrangler…).  Here is where we met the infamous C. Bass (Christopher Bass) who told me that they were closed, but they were just hanging out.  I tell him my situation, he tells me the price on a couple of the cars, I tell him I may be back in the morning, then he gives us information on where to buy whiskey and what hotel to stay in .  Aw, thank goodness!!! 

We get ze’ whiskey, check into the Red Roof Inn, play some Thin Lizzy, swim, and have a dinner of almost rotten avocado & crackers (gross!!!!) and then…SLEEP!!!!!

Stupidest day evah.  Thank you Barb for being strong! 

05/26/11

UP!!!  Well…I didn’t sleep much…napped?  It’s 4:30 am.  I have ½ hour to get ready and be on the road by 5 am…which you would think would be fairly simple in a RV all by yourself right?  I mean the shower doesn’t work everything is within 5 feet of you, you don’t even really need to move, just reach out and grab it.  Oh, but I’m a bit tall so every other move after a few hours of sleep consists of bashin’ ma’ head on everything.  Owie.

5:00 am:

On my way to Raligh, Virginia (airport) to pick up the other Amazon goddess who will be accompanying me for about a week!!  YAY!!!  First thing any normal human needs at 5am with possibly 2 ½-3 hours of sleep is coffee, right?  Starbucks is just across the street!  And……..it’s closed.  Ok, I’ll keep driving.  This water is just not cuttin’ it though.  OH!  Gas station (after ½ hour of driving), perfect!  I walk in all excited and the dude looks up and says: it’s not ready yet.  Someone unplugged it and I didn’t notice until just now.  No coffee.  REALLY??!!  You didn’t notice that there was no coffee brewing??!!  BAH!!  Ok.  OH!  Gas station!  At this point it’s just a thing I have set my mind on.  It’s been 2 hours.  I don’t even really need it, but I want it because I got up needing it.  But see, it was meant to be because this gas station on a back road somewhere in Virginia is where I first experience the true Southern culture.

I walk in and the woman behind the counter looks up from talking with her friend on the customer side of the counter and says to me, “Mornin’ there, honey.”  AH!  Love!!!  I get my coffee and pay for it.  She ends EVERY sentence she says to me with hon or honey and there were like 4 more sentences!!  YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!  Starbucks wouldn’t have done that…Starbucks coffee would have been better, but there would have been something missing.  “Have a good ‘un, hon, be careful out there.”  I love Virginia!

8:45 am:

Arrive at airport!!

Now if we can just side step for a moment.  To get from where I was to Raligh, VA should take about 2 ish hours according to Google and according to normal vehicles.  It took me almost 4…yea.  Just think on that one now.  Ok!  Enough!  Get back to readin’!  GO!

So, I have this van right?  Barb doesn’t get in until 10:15, so I need to find an outdoor parking area to keep this beast since I’m preeeeeeety  sure she is not gonna fit into a covered lot!  And the movie Airplane still messes me up as to whether I can park in the white or yellow zone.  So I’m following the parking signs…cautiously…I know about airport parking!  They TRAP ya’!  I cannot get trapped with Jezebel.  Ah there, ahead are those hangy thingys that they use sometimes with the maximum height restriction on them…oh and thank god Raligh Airport is slow!!!  Otherwise I would have been makin’ a whole lot of people mad!  So, this here hangy thingy states that the max height is 9’-0”.  Now I know that Jezebel is under 12’-5” ‘cause of the oil change station and I am fairly certain that she is more than 9’-0”, but how would I know??!!  I looked through all my books on her before I left and there is NOTHING printed about that!  So…um…yea, I went under it…and um……….yep.  She’s taller than 9’-0”.  WAAAAHAHAHAHA!  I’m assuming that’s what that banging noise is on the roof. Great.  Luckily, they give you an escape route, which I took immediately.  I loop around and pull into the Avis rental car place (it’s an open lot, phew), and ask if I can just leave my van there while I wait for my friend at the airport.  The woman behind the counter gave me this sour what chu talkin’ ‘bout girl look and directed me to the Airport Authority Parking area because “they have so much parking over there it’s not even funny”…like she was jealous of the amount of parking spaces they have?  Hmmmmmm…  So I loop BACK around again (avoiding the 9’ parking area like a pro at this point), pull into the lot, park Jezebel in the furthest space, and walk into the building.

The gentleman at the counter (after telling him what I want to do) said this is a cellphone lot.  I give him a blank stare.  He tells me again.  Um…yea…I don’t know what that means, sorry.  A cellphone lot is a place that you can park and wait and have the person call you on your cellphone when they get in so you don’t have to pay for parking!  Oooooohhhhhhhhhh!!!  Tssssss.  I dunno!!!!  Sheesh!  That sounds great!

10:15 am:

BARB!!!  HI ! HI! HI!  And she brings with her coffee cake (from Becca) and BOURSIN (the girl panda bear)!!!!!!!  BARB!!!!!

12:00 pm:

Arrive at South of the Border in South Carolina!  (no hills, twists & turns, etc)

Hung out at this crazy place—they have a “Hats from the World” shop that includes, but is not limited to a kitty cat hat, a Dr. Suess hat, a Pirate hat…so um, what is this world?  Did I miss something?  It’s probably a good thing I’m on this roadtrip because now I will be able to visit the lost city of kitten people!!!! 

Oh and they have a reptile area.  Which is sad.  They should stick to the sculptures of animals…I’m not gonna go into it.  Aw, great.  Now I’m sad.  Dammit!!!

Time unknown:

Driving into the mountain areas and around 8 pm I decide that I want to pull over at the next gas station in order to watch the storm and play in it!  So we pull into what is called the “Hot Spot”.  It’s a store in the South that carries EVERYTHING and they are specifically designed for RV people!  We park on a little hill and sit inside the van, and then I get out to take some photos since the sky is AH-mazing!!!!  And GOOOOSH!  Lightening streams horizontally across the sky, the wind picks up (enough to rock the van)—gosh I wish I could put sound effects into this!!!— and we decide that it just might be a good idea to go near the building and maybe under some cover.  So we pull in and the rain just starts POURING in sheets!!!  From the sky!!!  And there’s huge lightening and thunder and it’s AWESHUM!  Barb and I decide to hang out in the back of the van on the couch with the doors open and listen to music on her phone in order to pass the time.  –love-  And lemme tell ya’.  Them there truckers ain’t never seen the likes of Barb and I before.  Whoa. 

Time unknown:

Finally the rain stops and we head out to the nearest Wal Mart!  Wheeeeeeeeee…oh and lookie here.  That there is a real gosh darn mountain with warning signs for trucks.  Mmm hmmm.  35 mph the whole way up.  UGH! 

9:45 pm:

Wal Mart!  Horray!!!! 

So now that we are settled we gonna hang out on the couch again with bears and whiskey and talk until one of us collapses (oh, that’s me)!!! 

Total driving time for 5/26=approximately 14 hours…