06/05/11

Today.  I’m going to stay put!  Just try to relax, Amber!!  GAWD!!!  You’ve been on the road for what, 15 days?  It’s not a frackin’ race!  Shhhhhhhhhhhh, baby.  Shush.  Settle yourself.

Ok (deep breath).  Stay put (deep breath).  I can do this (deep breath)…this is the point where I pass out…[thunk].

On my way to breakfast, I have to stop by the office to book another night…lollipop lady was there and we talked for a moment.  On my way to eat breakfast she tells me these words from her mouth:  “You just be careful of the Indians, honey if you know what I mean” (head lowered with stink eye).

Nope, I don’t know what you mean.  I will let you read my blog though and you can determine for yourself if it truly is the Indians that I need to look out for or the white race of redneck duchetubes.  Aw, Texas.

Breakfast!  At the Big Texan Steak House!  And they don’t call it the “Big Texan” just for fun!  That was the biggest breakfast I have evah seen!!!  HOLY LORD-AH!  Oh…and all my complaining about the people last night with their food and overeating?  Yea, I take that back because I shoved ALL of that food in my face!!!!!!!!!!!  That was an omelet (with veggies and American cheese), homefries, 2 biscuits, orange juice, and coffee.  I’m FULL!  ARRRGGGGHHHH!!! 

Afterwards, I do laundry and re-organize my car—this is where my parents get all confused because they’re watching my phone go back and forth and back and forth in the parking lot!  AHAHAHAHAHA!

It’s my papa’s birthday, so I called him!!  <3  He’s 76 and amazing.  Yep.  That’s my papa.  He just retired…I blame them both for my work ethic.  This is me trying to escape it just for a bit…must relax…ok!  Go!

1:00 pm:

I’m now going to sit by the pool and write, aka shush up and relax.  Please note the time (1pm) and the fact that I’m in Texas and it’s sunny…I’m sure many of you have seen the photo and it’s been 9 days…it’s still rather yucky.  Shhhhhhhhhh!!  Don’t tell my dermatologist!  Or my mum for that matter!!!  AAAHHHH!!!

I want to swim so bad, but…I can’t see anything in the water!  It’s so murky and reeks of chlorine!  You know, just because you dump a gallon of chlorine in there doesn’t make the pool clean!!  Gross!  So, I decide to stay in the lounge chair and continue to write.

As I’m writing these dudes come up to the pool, look around and leave.  Then they come back with swim gear on and jump in (ewwwww!!).  I’m minding my own business when one of them swims up near me and says “hi!”.  Ok.  I can deal with a “hi!”.  Hi!  His name is Nigel and he’s from England.  He’s on a road trip with his college buddies and they’re doing the 66 trip.  They started off in New York and they are going all the way to the end.  He’s always wanted to do this trip and now he can!  I love it!  So we talk and he’s normal and really nice.  Then I meet Lee who’s rather surly and sarcastic…yea, you can’t pull that one out on me dude.  I know you’re actually nice underneath that mask.  Then I meet Les (who’s been at the bar this whole time).  He’s just quiet and aloof. 

I tell Nigel my story and instead of being worried he actually gets really excited!  YAY!!  He offered that I could eat with them that evening if I needed some company.  Awwwww.  Thanks! 

6:00 pm:

Hungry…oh…and burnt…on my back…DOH!

I’m gonna try out the Big Texan Steak House and see if they have any food that a vegetarian can eat (yea).  English friends are sitting at a bar table with two trucker dudes.  They wave me over, but I let them know I am alllllll set sitting at the bar alone eatin’ my dinner!  Oh!  Look!  Salad!  Mozzarella sticks!  Bread!  Great!  Gimmie.  And the salad is COMPLETELY slathered in Ranch dressing and this bread?  Um…that looks like a crust to me and I think someone may have stolen the inside part…these mozzarella sticks are gonna be good right?  Naw.  Luckily they weren’t made with American cheese!!!!!  Aaaaaahahahahahaha! 

I can’t finish my mozzarella sticks.  They’re kinda gross, so I eat three, then bring the other 5 to the English blokes (‘cause I don’t like to waste food!!).  While I’m there, I’m introduced to the truckers (oh, lucky me), then Nigel leans over and tells me quietly to call him over in about 5 minutes so he can get away from the conversation.  Wha??!!  You don’t like talking about strip clubs and ladies bosoms with a couple of crude trucker dudes…who seem to be talking to you really loudly and slowly…maybe because yer foreign and they don’t know if you can understand them or not…

I tell Nigel deal.  Not two minutes later, Nigel turns around, looks at me and says “What?  Oh!  Sure!” and comes over and sits with me…um…I don’t believe I said anything, but ohkay.  So we talk about his trip and my trip, how Americans don’t really seem to vacation in their own country even though it’s beautiful, dreams and goals, and his boxer Suds.  He even showed me pictures of his dog and then got embarrassed and offered to buy me a beer to make up for boring me so much!  Wha?  Really???  This is the best conversation (and normal conversation) I’ve had with someone since Barb left!!  Tsssssss silly!!  Oh and all the while Nigel and I were talking the trucker dudes decided to act like they were 5 years old and joke about us talking together…(sigh).

Les had to take a shower, so he came over to let Nigel know, Nigel went back over to the table to be nice…Amber alone again.  Then Nigel had to take a shower (why is everyone taking a shower before dinner????).  When Nigel came back they all (just the English blokes) went into the main dining area to eat…leaving me at the bar with my beer and the gross trucker dudes at the table diagonally from me.

Redneck trucker dudes with the leer.  I have no way to describe the feeling or the look, but I do know that I get angry.  Real angry when it happens.  You can read their faces, clear as a book.  And so, I vent.  Online in order to keep the anger at bay.  I was having such a good time with the English guys and then these truckers just have to go and spoil it for everyone!  GAH!  Yes.  Real angry now.  To the point of shaking.  I bit my lip so hard it hurt.  Keep it at bay.  Keep the hate and anger hidden deep inside…someday someone will unlock this box that I have all of this anger hidden in.  Maybe it will be during the apocalypse and I’ll be able to survive something horrendous because of it.  Ooooooo!  That’ll be nice.  THIS is why I am not allowed to carry a gun, see?  During moments like this, I would feel that I was benefitting human kind by deleting a couple of jerks who think it’s ok to do what they do…which I would be (benefitting human kind), but then ye’all would loose me!!!  That’s not good!!!  Who would crush hug you until you can’t breathe??!!  Who would pinch the back of your arm just for fun??!!  Who would laugh uncontrollably at small things??!!  Who would “city walk” with you??!!  Seeeeeeeeee…still wish I had buried them.

Hey!  You won the contest!!  --what contest?--  The wet t-shirt contest mother-f’er  gush, gush, gush (that’s three gun shots to the chest). 

Out.  Get away, Amber.  Take the conversations you had with the English fellows and leave. 

Nighttime in Texas and I am enjoying the evening in the parking lot for a few quiet moments…and who should appear out of nowhere?  Kitteh!  All crying and meowin’ and needing attention.  Thank you kitty!  I will snuggle with you a bit and then we can go our separate ways.  Kitteh cat saved me and calmed me down…I don’t know who she was, but she found me.  (heart)

06/04/11

1:45 pm:

I skipped the Roy Rogers museum in Claremore, OK and drove straight to the Route 66 museum in Clinton, OK!  Wow.  That was nice!  But also sad.  See they built Interstate 40 because they thought it would be better for all of the highway travelers.  Well, I-40 skips all of the towns that Rt. 66 passed through and then everything along Rt. 66?  Well it’s all pretty much a ghost town for the entire stretch (or what’s left of the stretch).  If you have a chance, you should check out the documentary on it.  What’s aweshum is that I’ve passed by almost all of those places so far!!!!  And it’s in a mooooooovie!!  WOW!!!

For lunch!  Yes, I had lunch!  Subway 6” sandwich with EXTRA spinach please!  Oh, and extra cheese, ‘cause cheese is deeeeelicious.  Hey!  Speaking of cheese, the south only likes yellow American singles (did I already tell you this?  Hmmmm…I might have).  You don’t have a choice of anything else (unless you go to Subway) so if you want an omelet?  You get American cheese in it and it sticks all over your teef and they put like 6 pounds of it on.  Ew.

5:10 pm:

Texas.  This was the first rest stop in Texas and I had to pull over since I was all teary eyed from the beauty of Texas.  It’s flat for most of the time with gently sloping hills and very little vegetation.  Its gorgeousness is completely indescribable.  It’s shocking and breathtaking at the same time.  I hope I’m not the only one who VERY much enjoys driving those long straight stretches of back roads! 

7:30 pm:

Checkin’ in at what is called the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo, TX.  This is a tourist attraction because you can get a free 72 ounce steak (as long as you eat it and the rest of the meal in under an hour)—I didn’t try it.  (snarf).  The hotel is set up to look like an old western town.  They have horse stables (if you’re traveling with your horses) and a pool shaped like the state of Texas with the Texas flag painted on the concrete surrounding the pool. 

So as I’m checking in the girls at the desk inform me that there are two other Mainers here and that they are covered in tattoos and are, as they describe these dudes “dreamy”.  AHAHAHAHA!  Then, what I believe to be the manager of the office (she’s about 45, but has had way too much sun and her hair is dyed maroon) looks at me and gives me a lollipop!  She’s concerned about me and my travels…maybe this lollipop is my good luck charm?  I haven’t eaten it yet (it’s June 14^th right now) since me and sugar don’t get along so well.  I will keep it until I get back then. 

8:00 pm:

I’m going to go next door and see what this hub-bub is all aboot.

AHHHHH!!!  Ok, so this place is crazy!  It has slot machines, a shooting game with zombies, more slot machines and SO many dead animal heads on the walls that it’s hard to differentiate the wall from animal carcass at points.  Families seem to love this place and they also love to bring their screaming children with them who enjoy running around willy-nilly!!  AHHHHHH!!!  Oh!  Hey!  I just used “hub-bub” and “willy-nilly”!  Morning!

This family sits next to me on the elevated stools and bar table and starts eating.  And eating. And eating.  I don’t really understand how they could possibly shove so much frackin’ food in their faces and still be able to walk!  AND THEN!  They get 15 or so to-go containers filled with food!!!  Where are they taking all of this fooooooood???!!!  Why am I sitting here drinking a whiskey when I could be scavenging off of their plates??  I could totally fit in-between a couple of them and just snatch bits off of their plates.  They wouldn’t even notice! 

All of the wait staff pretty much adopted me (I was there for an hour) so I had to tell my story over and over again.  And then!  Two older gentlemen who are the entertainment for the main dining area walk by me, stop, look at me, say “well, hey there pretty lady” and then proceed to serenade me!!!  Awwwwwwwww!!  And wow.  I don’t get embarrassed too easily, but when you’re sitting at a table by yourself and are being sung to by two cowboys and the bar area is packed…yea…that can be a bit disconcerting!  BUT!  I loved it!  So thank you for Amarillo by Morning.

9:00 pm:

Tired!  I so need to sleep!

And then there is this clicking noise coming from the bedside table, or the floor, or someplace near me…mechanical clicking and constant, not like huge creepy insect clicking.  Meh.  You know me.  I can sleep through a fire alarm so I can totally fall to sleep with this weird clicking noise…

WHAT IS IT??!!!

06/03/11

It’ll be normal again soon…promise…it will…but not today.

10:00 am
I checked out of Stonegate Inn as soon as I could!  So I arrived at the GIGANTIC Jesus statue in Eureka Springs at 10!  That’s why I came here!!!  Holy crap.  It’s very impressive!  They also have a 10’ section of the Berlin wall there…(?) AND they do live performances of the Passion of Christ.  Unfortunately, I was too early to catch it, BUT I did get to see Moses walk by me in the parking lot with a staff and Coleman cooler!!!  And sneakers!!! 

1:00 pm:

Arrive in Tahlequah, OK to see the Cherokee Heritage Center.  When you’re driving from Eureka Springs to Tahlequah you have to drive Rt. 177 which I believe is only for locals since every truck that went by me going the other way waved at me!!!  (heart)!  Wow!  That was the happiest moment of that day!!!!!!!

Tahlequah, OK is a lot like Bath Maine or any real small town USA, but dilapidated and sad…as are almost all the towns I’ve been going through…hmmmmmm…so I thought I would check out the “Historic Downtown”.  Yea.  That took me all of maybe 10 minutes and I got to see their town bum!  YAY!  So now I’m hungry and the only place that serves food only has croissants with cheese and this meat, this meat, or THIS meat!  Not just cheese.  No lettuce, no dressing, just dry croissant, cheese, and your choice of 3 different kinds of meat (cue:  Sam Cooke/Sugah Dumpling).  So I walk (after buying a $4 ice coffee in a Styrofoam container from said shop) and happen to stumble upon a health food store!  I go in thinking they may have some premade sandwiches or something that I could shove in my face, so I ask, and no…(pout).  The woman at the counter looks at me (I didn’t actually pout and then proceeded to state “I’m hungry” and patted my belly) and takes pity on me!  YAY!  She tells me that if I can find a burrito in the freezer that I like she will heat it up in the back room for me!  It’s a secret though, ok!!  Don’t you guys go telling everyone!  She’ll get in trouble!!!!  SHHHHHH!!!  So for lunch I had an Amy’s burrito and peach soy yogurt and ice coffee.  Best ever!  And then…I got out of Tahlequah, OK because they weren’t too keen on my kind being there…or they were too interested in it.

3:00 pm:

Arrived at the Cherokee Heritage Center and somehow managed to get the last tour (a private one at that because I was the only person there) with a REAL Cherokee!!!  He’s wolf clan (funny that) and he was amazing.  I don’t remember his name, but I do remember what clan he was from!  He’s also part Creek (deer clan).

I bought a book, which I haven’t opened yet, because I know Imma gonna cry through the whole thing.  You may know it?  Trail of Tears?  Yea?  Yea.  I’ll wait on that one!  As I was looking at the stuff in the giftshop another Cherokee dude walked past me, did a quiet hawk/bird noise at me, looked back, winked, and then continued on about his business.  I’ll let you translate that one, because I have like 3 different theories and 2 out of 3 make my head hurt.

7:00 pm:

Checked into Claremore, OK (Roy Rogers Inn)…because see now!  I got confused!  I saw Rogers and cowboy and museum and thought MOM!!!!!!!  I’m going to spoil it, but yea…mom likes WILL Rogers (with Trigger and stuffs) not ROY, AMBER!!!  BAH!  I was thinking of you mum!  Sorry I got the wrong cowboy. Oh, but if I hadn’t made that mistake I wouldn’t have met these charming people now would I??!!  Oh…wait………

So I check in, unload, grab a beer and head out to the gazebo to have a smoke (don’t read that last part, mum), because I’m that type of smoker.  I know ye’all hate it so I go out of my way not to be in your way.  Next time, I’m just going to stand at my hotel door and smoke. 

There are two dudes at the gazebo smoking and having PBR, so since it’s brightly lit and right by the main office I figure I’ll be safe.  And I was!!  Not to ruin the climax or anything, but I don’t want all ye’all reading this and having heart palpitations about me!!  ;)

So here I am with David (?) and Anthony (he’s English).  They’re from Florida and build playgrounds.  If you need a playground, keep this in mind: don’t hire them, they’re drunks and a bit weird (shrug) jus’ saying.  They did give me a ton of information on Oklahoma though…here it is:

1.      If you buy beer at a gas station or convenience store it will only have an alcohol content of 3.25% because Oklahoma has stayed (partially) in the prohibition period (that was from 1920-1921 incase you needed a refresher…it’s 2011 now).  “Regular” beer can be purchased at your local liquor store or Walgreens (WHA?) with an alcohol content of 6.00% or more.  Not that I care, but I was wondering why I had to pee so much!

2.      England had a 99 year lease on Hong Kong that just ended in 1997 (?).  Yea, I didn’t know that…I’m admitting to that now.  That doesn’t have anything to do with Oklahoma, but it was talked about.

3.      There’s pudding wrestling at the VFW tomorrow night.  And yes, I was invited to participate, and yes, I graciously declined.

4.      BUG RUN!  So this is what Oklahoma folk do for fun!  Ready?  You meet up at a bar (that night it was the one right next to the hotel), you have a drink, you place a target on the front grill of your car (yes, one of those bow and arrow shooting range targets), you drive 15 minutes to the next designated bar, you have a drink and maybe some food, then you drive BACK to the original bar where you are then judged.  And this is the winner:  Whoever has the smooshed bug closest to the bulls-eye wins!  So um…yes…the cops possibly find it very convenient to pull over anyone with a target on the front of their car…hmmmmm.  Oh, Oklahoma.

So here we are and these dudes are telling me stories and laughing and such and the person from the office comes out and tells us we gots ta’ evacuate the gazebo because there have been complaints (it’s 10:30 pm).  HA!  We got kicked out of a gazebo!!  And then they decide to blame it on ME!!!  Because they were quiet until I showed up!  Yes, may I analyze that one for a moment?  You were!  That is why I decided to come down and then BAM!  Testosterone! 

So we go over to the bar because I REALLY need a picture of this bug run thing (I get it!).  This bar is also the local bar, so there are some folks from town in it.  Unfortunately, I missed the end of the bug run (they had already come and gone at that point). 

I have a drink (since it’s free, because David is being cordial).  And we’re sitting there and they begin to tell me more stories and then all of a sudden David gets this look on his face and informs me that I need to watch my back in the bar.  WHA??!!  What did I do??  So David gets up to get another beer for himself (which he doesn’t need…) comes back and lets me know that he just saved me.  He hopes I don’t mind, but he let the dude at the bar know that we (David and I) were old friends and no, I’m not interested.  Huh?  David then gets all angry and protective because the guy at the bar keeps looking over.  Really now?  C’mon.  Leave me be, all ye’all!!!  David tells me I don’t want anything to do with…ready?...”that damn Cherokee, ‘cause he’s been in jail and all he wants to do is…blah blah blah”.  I had no idea that the hate ran so deep and pure in Oklahoma.  You all realize that you stole everything you have from “those damn Cherokee”, right?  Naw, I didn’t think so.  (sigh)

I get up to take some photos of signs (because they’re in the shape of Oklahoma and they say Budwiser on em’)!  Here I meet “Oklahoma” as he called himself and now I will from here on out be referred to as “Miss Maine” (said with SEVERE southern drawl please).

Now I’m back at my seat and David and Anthony start telling me jokes and stories again (cue: booooored now) and I don’t really know what happened, but another (much bigger) Cherokee dude walks up next to me, lays his hand on my shoulder, looks down at me and says “ma’am, these guys aren’t giving you any trouble are they?”  I look up at him and over at David and Anthony and say “No, I’m fine!  Thanks for checking though!” Cherokee dude is not ok with my answer and what ensues is a testosterone stare down that lasts a FULL 3-4 minutes!!!!  How uncomfortable is that??!!  GAH!

Stares are broken off and Cherokee dude looks back down at me and says, “If you need anyone to stand outside your door tonight, I will do that for you until the morning.” Wow!  Really?  Ok, yea.  Now I’ll get a little frightened, because either your seeing something that I’m not (and I’m really good at seeing those things) or you’re completely paranoid and crazy nice.  OR!  You’re the one I have to worry about now. 

I did say no to the door guarding thing.  That’s just weird.  Maybe?  Hmmmmmm…he was the bouncer there so that made me feel a bit better.

So we all walk back to the hotel, they still want to drink, I say no way bah-bye, then proceed to place my taser, mace, and phone by the bed and jam a chair up against the door.

They were gone by the time I left in the morning.

SAFE!

Betcha I get a lollipop from someone tomorrow…

06/02/11

9:30 am:

Packing up to leave the hotel (alone).  I had collected numerous bottles along the way that held refreshing liquids (water, Starbucks coffee, soda pop, etc) so I needed to get them out of my car or be attacked at one point by all of them.  I brought them into the main office area and asked a gentleman sitting there if he knew if there was recycling.  He looked at me real weird and said “wha?” I asked him again (along with hand signals) and he told me to just put them in the trash.  I thanked him, tossed the bottles and went back to my car to continue to pack it.  Not two minutes later, said gentleman came out into the parking lot, walked up to me and profusely apologized to me saying “I done didn’t mean to be rude or nuthin’, but I couldn’t understand you missy.  You gots yerself a real weird accent.  You from Europe or sumthang?”  AHAHAHAHAHA!  Yes.  Europe.  Where we pronounce stuff.  Awesome.

Of course right before I’m ready to get into my car, Mr. Jerkface Creepazoid walks out and decides to lecture me AGAIN on all of the dangers involved with me driving to Alaska.  GAH!  Go away!!!

10:30 am:

Graceland!  Ok, so if you know me, you know that me and Elvis, well we just don’t see eye to eye.  I understand he may have revolutionized music, but there were hundreds of people before him who paved the way who never seem to get credit.  Maybe the fact that he blending the two cultures together gave him an up?  I don’t know…it’s like me and the Beatles.  C’mon now.  There are so many other bands and artists out there who were exactly like them (if not better).  It all comes down to marketing though, huh? 

Graceland is amazing though!  And his mansion??  It’s covered with mirrors!  On the walls, on the ceiling, in almost every room!  My favorite room was the jungle room.  It’s decked out all in 70’s eclectic furnishings.  The ceiling is even carpeted!

I ate lunch at the diner…I did NOT get the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich though (I was tempted).  Instead I got a grilled cheese with French fries and tap water…that cost me $8.00!!!  WHA?!  And this grilled cheese?  I think it was made for elementary school kids!  Hungry.

3:30 pm:

Ravenden!  I drove out of my way (2 hours that is) to go see this gigantic Raven in Ravenden…get it?  It was aweshum!  Of course, I believe that was the only thing Ravenden had going for it.  Poor Ravenden. 

8:00 pm:

Arrived in Eureka Springs, Oklahoma!  Why did I go here?  Hmmmmm…I can’t remember.

I pulled into a hotel parking lot (Stonegate Inn), walked into the main office and asked the woman how much a single room for one night would be.  She told me it would be $56 plus tax.  I told her I would keep looking, and thanked her.  HA!  No!  She wouldn’t let me!!!  She looked up (she was German with a super heavy accent) and asked me how much I wanted to pay…um…wha?  I told her that I passed another hotel that advertised $35.  So, what does she do?  She charges me $35 (including tax, and tax is like 14% in Oklahoma)!  She said she wanted me there and to be safe…I had not let her know I was traveling alone…it twas weird!  So, I check in, and begin toting all my stuff up to my room.  I somehow have a ton of stuff I need to bring into each room every time!  BAH!

While bringing my stuff in (I’m on the second floor and there’s a nice balcony that connects all of the rooms).  I notice a creepy dude sitting a couple doors down from my room and every time I looked at him he gives me this super wide smile.  Ohhhhhkay.  (sigh).  So I pack my stuff into the room, grab the beer out of my cooler and head out to the balcony to have a beer (I left the hotel in Memphis at 10:30 ‘member…I’m tired!).  Here I am on the balcony and I look over and this guy (the creepy one with the smile) has a Styrofoam cooler…I know I shouldn’t talk to him, but my beer was in my cooler all day (with lukewarm water…ice doesn’t stay so long when you’re in the South) and I just wanted a cold beer because it’s 97 degrees out and crazy humid!  Ok, I ask him if I could use his cooler for my beer in exchange for one of my beers.  Oh gosh.  I never knew anyone could get so excited over someone asking to use their cooler.  He almost tripped over himself and fell off the balcony!!!  Hmmmmmm…ok.  No problem.

Here I am sitting having beer, being relaxed and all and then there’s yelling from the other end of the balcony.  Someone is yellin’ “John Wayne, come here!”  Ok…either someone here is named John Wayne or the REAL John Wayne is actually staying at this hotel!!!!  WHEEEEEEEE!!

Ok.  It’s this dude.  Oh gosh!  AHAHAHAHAHA!

So now there’s this yelling weird fight between the two drunk redneck ladies at the other end and John Wayne (who is beside me).  And that’s when I notice.  John Wayne is creepy, but the nerdiest guy I have ever met!  Imagine saying “Star Wars” with the most amazing nerd lisp EVER!!!  And it’s constant, with the nerd laugh and the crazy lisp…do not laugh at this guy while he speaks…don’t you do it Amber!! 

So then one of the women comes down and plunks herself right next to me sayin’ “what chu doing here, baby?  What’s your name?”  I introduce myself to her and she introduces herself to me (Angel).  And somehow…she adopts me and stays on the balcony with me for the rest of the night. 

What do we talk about?  Oh, ya’ know, what normal people talk about, menopause, drunk driving, her accident while drunk driving, how her mom and stepdad are both dying and she has to take care of them, Rose in California.  You know, everyday conversational topics.  Of course I tell her that she should leave Eureka Springs because I’m pretty sure that being a redneck lesbian woman there isn’t very much fun!  Somehow it turned into me driving her to see Rose (Rose lives in the desert and does some sort of hallucinating drugs…or maybe ANGEL was on em’).  Rose kinda sounds like she should be part of the Manson family, but I ain’t saying that to Angel!!!  Nuh un!!!!  I tell her she needs to go when she’s ready…of course at this point she tells me she’s ready and that she’ll get her check at midnight (?????) so she can pay for gas.  Oh.  Good.  Yea.  That’s what I want, some crazy lady in my car for like 2000+ miles.  Yes, please.  I laugh it off and now she is on this thing where she needs more beer…she doesn’t really…trust me!  So she wants me to drive her to the store.  Nope.  Now she wants to take the car herself.  Nope.  NOW she wants to borrow $10 from me (she gets paid at midnight, which she mentions to me at least 6 times).  Nope.  And now?  I have an angry woman on my hands ‘cause I won’t lend her the cash.  I let her know that I am driving 6000 miles and I need all the cash I have…Angel!  Can you comprehend that??!!  Six THOUSAND miles!  Go bum cash off of someone else.  Oh, but not your friend there who is living in this hotel because she got evicted from her apartment, and not John Wayne who also lives here because he doesn’t have a job and you are supposedly supporting him even though he is just a (creepy) friend.  Oh!  And you live here too, huh?  What the heck is going on here???!!!!

Now Angel wants a “tilt” to be pronounced as teeeeeeeillt (all southern drawl like).  I ask her what that is and her answer?  Honey it’s just what it sounds like and you git em’ at the store.  They’re only $2.14!  You won’t need anything else tonight. 

Yes, Angel you are correct in a way.  I don’t need anything else tonight.  And why do you need $10 from me if a “tilt” is only $2.14????  Angel succumbs and says she only needs $5 then.  Nope.

Now she’s angry again and decides to ask me this: “You really won’t give me $10?  I’ll pay you back at midnight!  Why you being such a bitch about it?”  um….honey……..we already went through this.  6000 miles!  GAH!

Just then this Jeep Cherokee covered in mud screams into a parking space, two dudes hop out, whip off their shirts and go running toward the pool.  Yes.  That happened also.  But wait!!!!!  There’s more!!!!

They run back after jumping into the pool and start putting their shirts on when you know who (ehem, Angel) decides that she needs to invite them up to the balcony and try and bum beer off of them.  So they do!!!  They actually come up!!!  WHA??!!  With beer!!!  Why didn’t I stay in my room?  Hmmmmmm??

This is Kevin and Caustin (like Austin, but with a C), they’re pool hoppers and they have 4 more pools to go before they hit their planned out pool hoppin’ numbah.  Caustin is a redneck from Eureka Springs and Kevin is from the “city”…Kevin doesn’t have an accent, so that’s a dead give away. 

Of course, me being who I am and needing desperately to get away from Miss Happy Face here asks if I can pool hop with them.  NO AMBER!  NO!  Well, they got crazy excited…until I told them I was just kidding.  Waaaaaahahahaha. 

So off they go to hop in random hotel pools.

And once again I’m stuck with Angel.  And now she has a beer and John Wayne has delivered a straw to her, because that’s how you drink it in Oklahoma I guess.  Oh, and now she’s angry at John Wayne about some such nonsense, so I decide to take that opportune moment to escape and go swimming (because Angel thinks I’m koo-koo for wanting to go swimming!).  Perfect.

Thank goodness she decides to go hang out with her other friend while I’m swimming, so I can make a clean escape into my room!!!!  Phew! 

Angel also could not comprehend my trip at all and asked me what type of drugs I was on in order to go through with it.  HA! 

Oh, and the next person who asks me if I want to smoke pot with them or if I have anything on me or if I have anything more than pot on me, I’m going to punch them.  Yes.  Right in the neck.  Don’t assume that everyone needs your substances.  Some people are just naturally like this.  Sorry!!!  BAH!!!!

06/01/11

Last day with the other Amazon Goddess.  (pout)  So what do two amazing women do on their last day??!!  ZOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  If you do go to Memphis the only thing you should see is the Memphis zoo (and maybe Graceland).  We got to see a slow loris, grizzly bears (and watch a feeding), elephants, a tiger, sloths (sloves?  They were sleepin'...of course!), oh and…hmmmmmmmm…there was one more animal………..I can’t seem to remember…(snarf):  PANDAS!!!!!!!!!  AH!  They were both eatin’ bamboo (and makin’ a huge mess on their bellies while doing so I must say)!  Aw, man.  Pandas.  They wouldn’t let me take one home though.  Tssssssssss, whatever. 

3:30 pm:

Dropped Barb off at the Memphis airport.  Blech.  I tried to keep her, but she kept escaping outta all of my traps. 

Time unknown:

Dinner in the room alone!  Refried beans and canned corn with tortilla chips.  Mmmmmmm.  Yum. 

Now.  Sleep.

05/31/11

And this is where it goes downhill.  Memphis.  Yea.  Think of

Preble Street

, then envision ALL of the buildings abandoned, graffitied, with junk laying all about them.  That’s Memphis.  You don’t need to go there.  We sacrificed ourselves for you already.  You’re in the clear (whisper) go to Nashville, Tennessee!!

We checked into a hotel and decided that we should check out

Beale St

.  Which is just a testosterone infused French Quarter.  As Barb put it, “it’s like siblings are fighting with their stereos and every time one of them turns theirs up the other turns their music up even LOUDER!  Honestly, why do you need to compete with the business 3 doors down on the other side of the street??!!  BAH!  My head!  Just give us food and maybe a beer! 

We went into Silky O’Sullivans and got some veggie burgers (!!!) and whiskey.  We were going to sit outside, but the bombardment of every bar on the rest of the block was just tooooooooo much, so we sat inside.  What was cool was that they had a secondary bar parallel to the main bar.  There wasn’t bar service there but it was a counter with stools that looked over to the stage area.  Idea.

On the stage was what we think was a drunken man of about the age of 35ish playing piano and drinking.  He then decided to smoke (which as you know is not allowed in Tennessee bars).  I of course told him he was gonna get in trouble…crap!  And he did.  DOH! 

Barb and I then move outside because it seems to have quieted down (because it’s night time???).  We sit there for a bit decompressing and all of a sudden this older man walks up and offers to buy us drinks.  (sigh) 

We say no, we’re fine, and then he asks if he could just sit and talk with us for a bit.  Really?  Um…….ok.  I told him he would have to get his own chair because the chair he was in back of was playing the part of footstool for me.  Sometimes the Unicorn is napping.  ;)  Needless to say he was quite nice and from Australia!  OH!  We met another Aussie in Nashville who looked like Bon Jovi…I almost fell outta my chair when he walked in!  I can’t believe I didn’t tell you that!  Sorry!!!!! 

Anyway, he invites the guitarist from the 2 man blues band to sit with us and he was SUPER soft spoken, so I have no frackin’ idea what the heck he said all night!  Maaaahahahahaha!  This dude from Australia was nice enough.  He didn’t like to listen to other people’s stories, but that’s ok, we can listen real good.  He’s a “globetrotter” as I called him.  He’s been traveling the world for two years now.  Yea.  That dude’s got cash I think.  And then……..after all the great stories he told……..you know what he starts talkin’ ‘bout???  Music.  Producers, artists, blah blah blah.  NO!!!!  Bob Dylan, The Band, etc.  UGH!  I can’t take it!  NO!!!  Shut yer face!  I hate music talk.  Always have, always will.  Don’t even tell me that the album put out in blech was the best album that blech ever put out and that blech should go back to blech’s roots of that.  Don’t chu do it!!!!  I will junk punch you in the man bidness for that.  Let’s talk about life and dreams and people and experiences!  OK!  GO! 

Time unknown:

We escape from Aussie dude!  Phew!  Call the shuttle for the hotel and let them know that we are SO ready to be picked up.  Then…and this is the best part in my mind.  We get to hang out at the park on the curb where it’s quiet.  Some guy comes up and has a cigarette with us (across from us by the newspaper boxes) and is very cordial. 

Van pulls up!  YAY!  We get in and the girl lets us know that there is another couple we are waiting on.  So we move to the way back…because everyone in the hotel we’re staying at is over 40, so we need to be nice.

And then they happened.  Nice wife (meek?) and crazy mo’ fo’ husband!!!!!!!!  There are moments in my life when I wish (at 36) that my dad was with me sometimes.  Just so he could in his military frank way cut someone down to size.  So this guy, who’s maybe 50 decides that I SHOULD NOT be going on this trip alone because EVERYONE will try to kill, maim, and/or rape me.  He knows.  Oh….YES!  HE KNOWS!  Don’t argue with him because then the racial slurs may spew out just a wee bit…not enough for you to realize it until it’s too late though.  There’s a recording of him that I posted to my Facebook page, because words cannot describe this jerkface.  I unfortunately, missed the beginning of it, but it’s enough.  Yea.  We were stuck in a minivan with that guy.

The best part about it was that Barb started talking to me half way through it just so he wouldn’t talk to us…then he started talking again and I shushed her…she got mad at me!  AHAHAHAHAHA!  (she didn’t know I was recording him)  We worked it out though afterwards.  KroKUS!!!!!! 

Barb and I get back to the hotel (with him still jibber-jabbering about how much danger I’m gonna be in)—Ok.  The ONLY people who can tell me that at this length are my loves, Chad, and my parents.  That’s it dude.  You don’t even KNOW me!!  And don’t you tell me that if I use my taser on someone they are just gonna keep comin’ after me because they’ve been tazed so much.  Tssssss.  Give me a break.  It’ll knock a horse out!

We swim.  Barb and I sillies!!!  Not the crazy dude!  And it twas nice!  Sneaking in after 10 to swim and shushin’ each other every 2-3 minutes (‘cause we ain’t a-posed to be there).  YAY!  And then…………They show up!  The wife and creepazoid dude.  mmmmmmmmmmmGRRRRRRRR.  So we swim for a bit while he tells me about Alaska (because he knows everything about everything, you see)…I really don’t like this guy, could you tell?  And so we need to go, because the BEARS are now gonna eat me and the men in Alaska will somehow trap me there.  Guuuuuuussshhhh!  (that’s me punching him in the throatneck).  I am quoted as saying “Imma Panda, I DO WHAT I WANT, RRRRAAAAWWWRRR”.  No really.  I did actually say that to him.  It was either that or get out off the pool and through every electrical device I could lay my hands on into the pool. 

Barb is out of the water and ready.  I of course, wear an actual swimsuit when I swim so um…yea.  All this talk and Amber’s actually more frightened of the creepy dude with a wife than of the random dude on the street who hollered at her.  Luckily Barb is my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she looks at me (I’m still in the water…it’s 3 feet deep, but I’m submerged) and brings me my towel so I don’t have to get out of the pool without coverage.  I (heart) her. 

So we leave…trying to say goodnight to the couple, but now they’re making out in the pool.  GROSS!  Really???!!!  Ida tazed him.

05/30/11—continued

9:30pm:

Nashville.  Wow.  If you have never been her and you like music and boots, you NEED to go!!  It is amazing!

We decide to eat.  Yea.  Amazing right?  Maybe I should have kept Barbara…we seemed to have eaten more when she was here.  I just realized this morning that my food consumption for yesterday was a mini-can of pears, 2 cheese sticks, and some cashews.  I had Vitamin Water though!  A big un’!!  Ok, I’ll eat today.

Broadway Street

is the restaurant we had dinner at and it was DEEEE-licious!  While sitting there talking and people watching (the doors were open so you could basically sit “outside” and eat and watch everyone.  My favorite.), two young girls walk by.  One of them was carrying a neon yellow shirt and the other was wearing one.  I smiled as they walked by, ‘cause that’s how I roll, then watch them as they pass to see what these crazy shirts were that they had.  Bad idea.  I should not have looked.  Should have just kept my eyes inside the bar.  My next thought was:  I should not have smiled at them.  Then I got angry at myself for thinking that, because would that make me any better?  (sigh)

I have a shocked look on my face, turn to Barb and say, “Their shirts…they say…arrrrgggghhhhh…God Hates Gays.”  So we talk about it a bit and I get sad.  Then they walk by AGAIN (they’re both wearing them now).  AH!  So if you would take a moment.  It’s about 10pm and these girls are maybe 16 walking the main street of Nashville with its neon lights, and boots, and tourists, and drunken frat boys…yikes!

Just to preface this.  I have a temper.  Some of you may know this since you’ve been with me for so long and some of you would never have guessed this.  But it’s there and can flame up into a burning ball of rage if I let it, or if something catches me off guard.

Barb is on the phone with Matt, giving him an update (that means no distraction for Amber), and the girls plus another young boy walk by again.  I can’t take it.  I have to say something.  Unicorning involves more than making people happy or showing them that they can chase their dreams, it also involves trying to show people the other side of situations…yea. 

No.  Wait.  Come here.  –these were my words…I think—there sometimes is this ringing that happens in my head in confrontational situations that forces my brain to forget moments.  They come back, and I ask them what they are doing.  They start spewing off some Psalm line where it supposedly states “god hates gays”.  I don’t read the bible, but Imma pretty sure that anyone who translated the stories within did not specifically point out homosexuals.  I ask them how old they are (they are 16), then (while Barb is trying to frantically get off the phone with Matt, ‘cause I’m angry—to be alt-so said like “I’m HUNGRY”) I ask them how it is any different for them being black.  Yea.  Take that.  The boy looks at me and says “I’m Indian”.  Um…ok…so we’ll go with that one then, and honey, you may be part Indian, but there’s a whole lot of other stuffs in you to.  They somehow don’t understand what I’m asking, so Barb translates for me and points out the fact of prejudice and how as a human you can’t change who you are.  They went on to say that god loved them and that was all that matter.  Hmmmmmmm…I ask to see this bible they were quoting from.  The boy looks anxious, but the girls ask him to go back to the car and grab it.  Let’s just say that he did come back after awhile with no bible in his paws.  Barb asks them if they really think that god wants to spread hate.  You know what one of the girls said?  Do you???  REALLY???????!!!!  She said YES!  WHA??!!!  So, Barb repeats the question, because maybe they just misunderstood her.  The girl steps up and says YES AGAIN!!!!  I ask what kind of church they belong to (‘cause it sounds a little crazy to me!)…the church?  Yea, that is also a good one:  Repent or Burn in Hell Ministries.  Ouchie.

“I have the answer why the GAY youth are killing themselves! Because GOD HATES GAYS! GOD hated Esau who also fornicated (Romans 9:13 and Hebrews 12). The Bible states that GOD gave sinners strong delusions to believe a lie and because they would not retain GOD in their knowledge, he gave the GAYS up to a reprobate mind. In Romans 1 a reprobate minded person also is a person who will "murder." This is the reason no matter how much you try to explain away the fact that GOD has orchestrated the GAY YOUTH into killing themselves is the reason why they are dying. I.E. the GAY youth REFUSE to repent and to obey GOD.”

If you want to read more:http://newlifegospel.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general

UGH.  So, um…who needs a hug?  No?  You sure?  Seems like you do.  I tell them that I hope someday they will be able to grow and make their own decisions about life.  I hope they do.  It was a bit scary at points (well all of it really), but they were just like robots spewin’ out what they were told.  I told them to be careful on the streets tonight, since you know they’re young, there are 2 girls, and they’re wearing these shirts that perhaps might cause some turmoil.  They let me know they would be careful and that they carry mace with them.  OH!  Nice!  Spread the word of the Lord around Nashville with a pocket full of MACE!  See anything wrong with this picture kiddos??!!!  BAH!!!  Ok.  Get on outta here. (deep breath Amber & Barb)  Oh, and I bet you’ve never seen Barb angry either, huh?  Well, that there.  That’s absolutely frightening.  Don’t do it, unless you’re on her side…then you won’t really have to do anything ‘cause she’s like Storm from X-Men.

Ok.  Gimmie boots!  And there’s this store…see how I did that?  I totally just changed the subject.  Pay attention!  Here!  Over here!  BOOOOOOTTTTSSSS!!!!  Yay!!  Hey!  There’s a bucket on that lamp!  It’s buy one get 1 free!  Yes, please.  They range from $300-$500…I’m on a budget dudes!  Ouch!  I’ll get some from Zappos when I get home maybe.  Sorry Nashville.

Roger’s (?) maybe first?  It’s super crowded and the band playing at the top portion is awful.  We decide to sit downstairs and maybe wait for the 1^st floor band.  It’s rather like Ruskis there, only darker.  And the walls are filled with photos of famous people who have stopped in.  Supposedly, sometimes someone famous will walk in and just start singing for ya’.  That didn’t happen when we were there, and the band still hadn’t gotten set up, so we decide to walk the block and see what else is going on.  In Nashville, you can just wander up to a door and listen and see if you like what’s happening inside then choose to go in or not!  It’s aweshum!

Of course, somehow the gay haters from the ministry decided they needed to be on THIS side of the street so we had to keep avoiding them…Barb had her quiet angry look on…thassa dangerous…keep movin’…

We pass by this bluegrass bar, which had some amazing music coming from the band!  One of them turned around (the stage was right in the front window) and beckoned us to come in.  Barb and I traveled a little further (Lil’ Jon??!!  Whoa.  That place wasn’t doing so well…) then back again and finally entered Layla’s Bluegrass, Hillbilly, and Country Inn.

Layla’s was ½ empty, had an amazing bluegrass band playing, and a crazy friendly bartender (unlike the other jerkface woman at Roger’s)!!!  So we stayed there and had fun!  At one point we went to have a cigarette outside.  ‘Cause in Nashville you can smoke in a restaurant, but not in bars…wha?  Um…ok.  While we were out there we met several nice people.  No really!  There’s no sarcasm in that one this time!  One guy wanted us to buy flowers (which were obviously stolen from someone’s yard –snarf-), when we told him we couldn’t he broke off 2 small ones and handed them to us just for being us.  You say, “We got flowers”—then you do a Gila Monster face at random passer-byers just for fun (sometimes they get scared but usually they don’t know whether to smile or run away when you do this).  Barb bought a dollar newspaper from a dude on the street, I gave him a hug.  He was very happy. 

We’re back inside and the band is finishing up, so I walk over to buy a CD.  Somehow I managed to get all 4 CDs (they each had their own) for $5…AND!  We got invited to go to Tootsie’s with them where they can sometimes get on stage again and do more songs!  So Barb and I leave to go to Tootsies (it’s right next door) and on the way out we give hugs and introductions—Imma hugger if you didn’t know that about me—and the banjo player says mid-hug, “Darlin’ you probably shouldn’t have hugged me ‘cause now I ain’t lettin’ ya’ go” all Southern drawl and stuffs.  Awwwwwww.  Yea, ma’ husband wouldn’t be too fond of me bringing you home and I think the drive back would be rather uncomfortable considering. 

Time unknown:

Tootsies!  And we are introduced to MORE people who are crazy talented.  I think everyone in Nashville can sing, play multiple instruments, AND dance!  We were asked by Paul (he was in the band) if we could sing and if we wanted to come up on stage and do a song with them!  THEN!  They taught us how to two-step!!!!!!!!  Barb, I hope you’re practicing and teaching other people, because when I get back we’re doing this!  Barb is amazing at it by the way!!  Like she’s done it a million times before and is super relaxed!  Me on the other hand…ol’ spaz panda pants can actually dance.  Alone.  Without a partner (unless it’s Chad).  I found that out.  Yep.  How ‘bout this, Paul.  How ‘bout I just grab on and put ALL of my weight on you and you can dance the two-step and I can pretend I did too!  YAY!!!!  UP! UP! UP! 

Time unknown:

The night is over and we’re getting a cab back to the Drake Inn…ehem…where the stars stay, ‘member? 

We (heart) Tennessee.  Human experience +10.  Amber approved.