10/21/13

INSTALLMENT #2...

4.     Compliment each other.  You think those pants make his ass look good?  SAY IT!  You think she looks hot in jeans and t-shirts?   SAY IT!  You think his greasy hands are amazingly sexy?  SAY IT!  You think she looks good after working in the garden all day?  SAY IT, goshdarnit!!!!  None of us are mind readers (unfortunately…OH!  Unless you has a superpower I don’t know about!!!), so you need to use your words.  Please.  This one is crazy important!  Tell them you like to watch them when they walk over to get a drink.  Tell them their eyes are amazing.  Anything.  You think it; you say it.  Humans aren’t used to compliments because we don’t give out enough of them…

And the best response when someone says, “hey, I like your boots/eyes/dress/etc.” is:  “HEY!  I like your face!!!”  Try it!  Not on everyone though…you’ll get too many “friends” if you do this too much. 

5.     Presents!!!!  Yea!  PRESSSSSSENTS!!!  We all love them.  Srsly!  Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries!  BUT!  The best time to give someone something is whenever you feel like it!  If you walk by a flower and it makes you think of that person that is kind of special in your life, pick it!  Give it to them!  Put it on their windshield!  Place it on the bar when they’re working!  Did you just clean your junk drawer out and you found some stickers that amazingly cute?  Why don’t you write them a card and stick the sticker on it…then sneak it into their bag/refrigerator/ book/mailbox?  What’s stopping you?!  Or a random rock/leaf caught your attention…pick it up!  Hand it to them!  And this should happen all the time…not just during the first few weeks or months that you’re smitten with that person.  ...did I just say “smitten”?!  What, are we courting each other now?!  BAH!  ANYWAY!  Giving that someone something is basically like giving them a surprise hug.  It’s something that they weren’t expecting, which causes their brain to essssplode  with endorphins!!  Don’t be shy, don’t think about it, just do eeeeeet!  You won’t be sorry.  Pwomise!

6.     Play time!!  Guys, come on now!  (NS)!  If you know me, you understand the importance of playing.  Sometimes I feel as if a 7 year old girl is living inside me, and that’s OOOOOO KAY!  Here’s a story:
I left work one evening and was on my way to visit my best fwend, when all of a sudden, half way there, I changed course and started heading to the swings…yea…big surprise there, huh?  So, I started swinging and decided to let said person know where I was and that I was gonna be a wee bit late.  He said, “OK!  I’ll be right there!”
…and he showed up…and got on a swing…and started swinging with me.  There are moments in your life that you will always remember, because all of a sudden something as “mundane” as playing on the swing sets becomes a pivotal moment.  That time when he looked at you and said, “I haven’t been on a swing set in 15 years.”…and then he couldn’t stop smiling.  That time when you looked at him and wanted to punch him and say, “stop being an ADULT so much!!!”  Wait.  Maybe I did do that…
Some people don’t want to sit around a table and drink wine and talk about philosophy/politics/religion/world affairs, some of us just want to play on the swing sets for an hour and THEN (maybe) talk about stuffs.  Yea, we have mortgages, jobs, car loans, laundry to do, a kitchen to clean, a dog that needs to go to the vet (for a check up…nothing serious!), but once in awhile, humans need to stop.  And play. 
Also, wrestle and play fight.  Remember that time when you used to get off of the school bus and the three boys who lived next door to you would wait and then throw small rocks at you until you started running?  AND THEN, you would get your soccer ball out and kick it against the rock wall…inevitably it would fly over the wall and those boys would be there to steal it from you.  So you would sit and wait patiently until they realized you weren’t going to chase them…then your soccer ball would come rolling back to you.  You were 8.  They had a crush on you; throwing rocks and stealing your soccer ball was the only way they knew how to tell you.  And that’s ok!  So, now that you’re 38…why would you stop?  I mean, the rock throwing is just kind of dangerous now because we’re stronger and can actually aim, but give someone a piggy back ride!  Play punch them (NOT in the solar plexus!!), pinch them on the back of the arm or the inner thigh, steamroll them in the grass while you’re looking at the sky!  Life gets too serious sometimes, so it’s up to you to make it fun. 

7.     Vacation time.  This is a tough one and some of you may not be comfortable with it, but hear me out.  You need alone time.  Really.  You need time away from what’s familiar to you.  Your job, friends, family, home, partner, streets, climate, way of life, and schedule.  And I’m not talking about a weekend; I’m talking about 2 weeks to 2 months…alone.  Go someplace you’ve never been before…and go there without any plans!  ADVENTURE!!!  You’ll be pleasantly surprised at what you find…other humans…that have stories to tell you and will share their beer with you (or humans that may try and break into your hotel room—always carry mace!).  I won’t go into depth about the lone-vacation, because this entire blog was started because of what I did 2 years ago…if you want to read about adventures, just start at the beginning (May 2011), and you’ll learn.  Be alone.  Be uncomfortable.  Spend everyday wondering where you will sleep, if you’ll be safe, what you’re going to eat, how to get from point A to point B…find YOURSELF, because we all know that if you spend enough time with one human being, you begin to lose who you are.  It happens and it’s not a bad thing, just…I don’t know…that person that’s in your life, they happened upon you because they thought you were unique.  Keep it that way.  Don’t ever forget who you are, don’t ever let anyone tell you to stop, and don’t ever let anyone change you.  EVER.

10/17/13

INSTALLMENT #1 out of...meh, who knows really!!

So…uhmmm…as some of you know, I was in a relationship for 10(ish?) years with my best friend.  We were handfasted on October 9^th, 2009, and then went our separate ways in January 2012.  I’m really bad with dates and time spans, so if any of the above is off, well just blame it on the fact that I have never lived in the same place for more than 4 years…

This is deeply personal and you may feel uncomfortable reading it, so I completely understand if you can’t get through all of it, but I feel as if I need to tell you some things.  OH!  Wait!!!  They’re not bad things!!  Don’t worry!  HEY!  Come back!!  Keep reading!!

I need to tell you stuffs.  About humans and relationships…because Imma EXPERT!  (snarf).  Perhaps it’s because this is the first year I will be “alone” on my birthday, and Thanksgiving, and Christmas…but whatever.  I can do this, because I still have that best friend.

And because I’m a bit obsessive compulsive, I will now proceed to form this blog post into an outline…ta-da!!!  …A rambling, can we get back to the point, outline.  (SURPRISE!!)

1.     NEVER stop holding hands.  EVER.  I mean it.  NEVER.  And the best time to hold hands is when the other person isn’t expecting it.  You’re getting a cup of coffee?  You just woke up?  I’m gonna walk over and hold your hand for a split second and look into your eyes.  BAM.  Ok.  Done.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve been hanging out with the person for 1 week or 30 years, you should never stop.  Humans crave contact and if you surprise them with it, you will continue to receive it. 

This also includes walking down the street arm in arm, putting your hand on their thigh while you sit next to each other, holding their arm gently while standing next to each other, and doing creepy face touch randomly (some of you know what this is…some don’t, but trust me, it’s awesome!).

While we’re on the subject of contact, never stop hugging.  Real hugging.  Not some “I have to make sure there’s room for air movement between our bodies because I’m uncomfortable” hug.  Not some weak armed “I don’t want to do this” hug.  Not some “I’m going to pat you on the back when I feel that this hug is lasting too long and I feel awkward” hug: a full blown “I haven’t seen you in SO LONG” hug (even if it’s been an hour).  Seriously.  If you’re not comfortable with hugging, then…well, just the thought made me extremely sad, so I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.

Also, I am not a huge fan of PDA.  Seeing people all smooshy face with each other makes me feel weird…I know, right?!  It’s a bit contradictory to what I’m telling you, but there’s a line, guys!  That being said, if you need to kiss your partner in public, DO IT!  Not the long, drawn out slurpy face kiss, but the “holy crap, I really like you and I don’t know how to put it into words so I’m going to hold your face in my hands and kiss you on the lips/forehead/cheek” kiss.  Life is too short to hold back your feelings for someone.  Period.

2.     Listen.  If your involved with someone, it’s for a reason, so make sure they know that you care about what they are saying.  Put down your frackin’ phone, turn off the TV, put down your book and actually listen to them.  Don’t try and switch the conversation because you’re thinking about something else while they’re talking.  You’ll get your chance, don’t worry, but right now…listen.  Not only do we crave physical contact but also we crave mental stimulation, and you’re the only one who can make this happen.  Yes, I may tell you that I did laundry today and then proceeded to throw it all on the bed because I didn’t feel like putting it away…what am I trying to tell you??  HA!  I have no idea, other than the fact that when I go home there’s gonna be a monster pile of clean laundry on my bed.  (ssshhhhhhh, don’t tell my mom!!!)  But maybe now you can envision the magic that looks as if Rainbow Brite essssploded on my bed, because you KNOW me and you’re LISTENING…and you’ve seen my socks.

You had a bad day at work?  TELL me!  I’ll listen, commiserate, give you advice, bitch about your boss/co-worker with you, tell you that you should call in sick just for fun so we can go pick apples together.  Be their best friend.

3.     Don’t fight.  Or do??!!  In the 10(ish) years I was in a relationship, we “fought” approximately 3 times.  Yes, that’s three.  And those times they weren’t even “I’m slamming the door” fights, they were “aw, crap, I’m real mad about blah-blah-blah can we talk about this?  I might cry…is that ok?” fights.  Maybe it’s because we started off as best friends and we told each other everything…and we listened to each other.  I don’t know!  But then again, maybe fighting is good for your soul?  Just that carnal Imma yell at you and then feel real bad about it reaction is healthy?  This is one thing that I’m actually not sure about…we’ll just leave it be.  Hey!  Who wants a hug??!!

10/16/13

Abs and stuff...

There seems to be some confusion as to why I would post something like this (link above)…here is my explanation:

Because I’m torn by it.  On one hand I see her as this woman who is trying to empower other women; to make them take control of their bodies.  She is trying to show them that you can have your self, your freedom, and your body after childbirth.  She’s like the bully on the playground who shoved you and said, “You can’t run fast enough.  That’s why you’re not on the softball team!”  And you think, “Oh YEA?!  Well watch this!”  And you run.  You put your all into it and you actually outrun them and it makes you feel so frackin’ good.  The issue with it is that is only one person.  We are human and react to stimuli differently, because the other person who gets shoved thinks, “Yea.  You’re right.  I suck.  I’m just going to go over here in the corner and pout about it.”  BUT THEN…the next person thinks, “Yea, you’re correct.  But I can kick your ass at math and I hate sports so I’m not concerned about it.”

She’s trying to reach that first person.  That one woman who thinks she can’t do it, that it takes too much time and effort, but she wants to and needs to in order to feel better about herself.  I don’t presume to know why she wants and needs to, because I’m not her.

My other point is Maria admits to having bulimia, which is a disorder that is directly affected by body image.  Yes, she’s not any more, but obviously the disorder is still there.  Her exercise regiment proves this.  If you work on your image after giving birth and 8 months later you have this, then your appearance is first and foremost in your mind.  She’s still bulimic; it’s just taken on another form.  And is that healthy?  Probably not.  I don’t know!  I’m not her!  She sounds like she’s ok with it and proud of it and that’s her decision.  Not ours.  We can sit here and hate on her because she has accomplished something that she herself set out to do.  Yes, she’s flaunting it but who cares!  We’re all different and just because we’re proud of what our bodies look like does not mean she’s wrong…

I also feel that the people criticizing her are not seeing what she’s set out to do.  She’s not pointing fingers at the woman who actually can’t do this or don’t need to.  I think.  Again, I don’t know!  I’m not friends with Maria and I don’t know how she works inside, that’s just my opinion.

Also, to the women who are trying to boost her up by calling the people who are criticizing her “fatties” and “fat slobs”, well, you’re not helping.  At all.  You’re the kids who stand behind the bully just because you want to fit in, but unfortunately, you don’t realize that you also have issues and calling people names only points out your flaws.

Maybe I’m analyzing this too deeply.  She’s a feminist in her own way.  You’re a feminist in your own way.  I am a feminist in my own way.  She posted this picture and this header for a reason; to make someone, somewhere know that they CAN do it.  We should be more up in arms about other more important things.  That’s me saying (shrug) whatever.  My opinion may be wrong in your eyes, but it’s my opinion.  Yes, it has a bullying undertone.  Yes, the majority of women don’t mind that their body is beautiful in it’s own way after childbirth.  Yes, we are all free thinkers.  And yes, you were confused/shocked/pissed off that I posted this article, but now you know why.

03/29/13

She came in last night with her family.  Sarah Rebecca.  And this is how it started:

I asked her family if they wanted something to drink to start then I went over to her and said, “and for you, little lady?” because my dad used to call me that and I guess sometimes the awesome that is your childhood comes out.  She looked up at me and smiled.  BIG.  A BIG BADA BOOM smile while staring, then said “lemonade, please, but a small one, because I’m small.”  When I brought her the lemonade (with cherries in it) she got really excited…I told her they were my cherries but we could share if she wanted to, so she took one out and handed it to me.  I told her she should give that one to her dad and eat the other one…and she did.  (heart)

I went over to take their order, and now here is a side story:

When I was little my parents used to go out to dinner once a week at a restaurant called Henry’s in Washington State (Poulsbo).  They would sit in a booth by the window and I would sit at the small booth across from them.  I’m pretty sure this was my idea, since I was 7 and even at that age “I did what I want!!”  So, I would order my own food from the server, who learned very quickly that no, my parents did not order for me, and ate it…or looked over and traded with my dad (who ALWAYS ordered something that I would like better).  When the check came (it was on a separate tab), I would get up and hand it to my dad who would then give me the money to pay for my dinner, because, HEY!  I was 7!!!  My allowance didn’t consist of dollar bills!  This was my upbringing.  Humans talked to me like an adult and I responded by becoming independent.  I also learned subconsciously that one should always talk to small humans as if they are full size humans.

When I asked Sarah what she wanted for dinner she said “macaroni and cheese, please.” then poked me in the arm and said, “excuse me.”  I leaned in so I was closer to her and said, “what do you need, honey?”  She stared at me again and started smiling this huge smile again, which in turn made me smile, which made her smile more, which made me laugh, which made her laugh, which made me say, “whassa happening???!!!”  She touched my arm and asked if she could look at my drawing.  I showed it to her and she told me she liked birds too, and then pointed at my other arm and said, “you have a lot of drawings on you!  I like it!!”  REALLY???!!  For real, small person??!!  WHO ARE YOU???  Gimmie!!!

Of course, all through dinner she would randomly turn around and wave and/or smile and/or giggle at me.  When I walked over to see if everything was ok with their food Sarah asked me to come over to her for a moment, so I crouched down beside her.  She then asked me my name and we were introduced after she told me hers and said it was nice to meet me…!!!  Seriously.  I asked her how old she was, and she told me she was “only 4.”  I informed her that it was ok to be 4, because I was only 5.  She laughed and then…nodded her head…and started staring and smiling again.

This is the part.  The shift in my life.  The moment that I will never forget, because Sarah Rebecca changed me forever…

Her and her family got up to leave, and I walked over while they were getting their coats on to thank them and say goodbye.  They thanked me profusely, and while they were doing so I noticed Sarah holding her mom’s hand and (again) staring and smiling at me, so I looked at her and said, “thank you, Sarah!  I hope you have an amazing evening!!!”  She let go of her mom’s hand and started walking towards me…so I crouched down again, because I’m pretty tall when yer a kid!!  And then time slowed down, because as she was walking towards me, she held out her arms.

Yes. 

She came in for a hug. 

Truly. 

Just like that. 

As if we had known each other forever.  And as she hugged me she said……….”I love you.”

Oh, great.  Now I can’t see what I’m typing ‘cause it’s all blurry!!!  Crap!  Ma’ eyes are sweating!!!  AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

I love you too, Sarah Rebecca.  Thank you for coming into my life at just the right moment and showing me that yes, I do need to go back to school and yes, I do need to teach pre-school.  Because if one child can see me for who I am and take this energy and love from me, then I should be able to share that with all of them.

Dear world,

Imma be a teacher!!!!!!!!!!!

3/28/13

A bit of the soul:

I watch humans a lot and analyze how they interact with each other.  Here’s some thoughts:

Alcohol releases your demons, whether good or bad, and we all know this.  Wait.  Can demons be good?  Hmmmmmm…well anyway!!

Side note:

I once asked a friend of mine why everyone I hang out with insists on drinking around me.  And this is true.  I feel like no one can actually have a conversation with me unless they are on the booze.  But why??!!  I’m not scary.  I can talk with you when I’m stone cold sober, so why do you insist on being drunk around me?  His response?  “It’s because you drink all the time and it’s normal for people to feel like they need to drink around you.”  Ok.  So let’s get one thing straight.  I do drink, but I am NEVER drunk.  I drive home err’night and I make sure that I am capable of doing so.  If you’ve ever hung out with me into the wee hours of the night, you know that at SOME point I’m going to switch over to cranberry and ginger ale…and that’s after I’ve had 2 whiskeys and a beer.  I need to stay in control.  It’s in my nature.  And yes, sometimes I slip, so that “never” statement isn’t entirely true, but 99% of the time it is.  So, try it sometime.  Hang out with me without gettin’ fall down drunk, you might be pleasantly surprised or sorely disappointed…either way, you’ll remember.

And this is what I’ve seen in others.  There is that point in time when two people are chatting and having a good time and then…?  BAM!  Instead of having intense eye contact during the conversation, they have the sway eye.  Do you even know what the other person is talking about?!!  Are you just thinking about getting in their pants now?  Does this person even have anything in common with you?  Will you be able to look them in the eye tomorrow, next week, or a month from now?  Are you forcing something called a “relationship” on what really is just carnal instinct?  …and no, Imma not gonna go into the “instinct” hypothesis of humans.  Nope.  Are you lonely and hope that this person will fill the void that you yourself have created within you??!!  Why can’t you hold that person’s hand as a friend when you’re not drunk?  Why can’t you hug like that when you’re sober?  Why are you scared of human contact and can only seek it out after you have recalibrated your brain with liquor?  Why can’t you say those things to that person before you’ve had three beers?  Dear humans, WHY ARE YOU SO FRIGHTENED??!!  Yes, we all need physical contact and we KNOW this, so put down your drank and start admitting it to yourself.  You’re ok!!!  You can still hold that person in the night without first trying to break down all of your barriers with booze…and if you can’t then you need to start trying to love yourself first. [CRRRRRUUUUUUUUSH]!!!

03/28/13

Monday evening I walked into LFK to see my favorite person in the world and on my way in, there was a guy standing at the door.  Me being who I am, looked at him and said, “don’t chu dare card me!” with a smile and laugh of course!  He glanced at me, then did a retake and told me he wouldn’t dare.  I laughed just as he was asking me if I remembered him…

First of all, I hate that.  I see HUNDREDS of people err’day and unless you make an impression on me, Imma not gonna remember you…so I said no.

He then told me he was in the other night with his…………wait for it………Irish friend.  Yea.  That guy.  And all of a sudden he’s Irish now??!  Whassa happening??!! 

I looked at him again and…”Ah, yes.  Gabriel.”  (evil smirk)  Ps.  Why do my powers of setting people on fire with my mind not work??!!  BAH!

Gabriel:  “Hey!  How’s it going?”

Me:  “Oh.  Just fine.” (leaning way in to whisper in his ear)  “Tell your friend if he touches me again he’s going to lose an arm.”

Gabriel:  (eyes wide) “What??  Oh.  That.  Yea, he gets drunk.”

Me:  (looking straight into his eyes while pausing for an uncomfortable moment) “I don’t give a sh*t.  Tell him he should be careful now…very careful.  OK!  BYE!!!!!”

And then I walked away.

And I know I’m going on and on about this guy, but words are my pistol right now…and you don’t want me to own a gun, so this is the only way I can get it out of my system.

Last night the Irish/Scottish dude came into the other place I work.  Yep.  Sober.  With his girlfriend of FOUR YEARS.  And then he sat at the bar…Yea, I was short with him, got him and his girl a drink and proceeded to ignore them (while shaking because the adrenaline was pumping again).  This guy decided he wanted to ask my name…ok then…Amber.  What’s your’s?  Tom.  Come ‘ere, Tom.  Reach over this bar and shake my hand.  Yea.  Remember that grip?  That hurt your wrist tendon last time didn’t it?

So then, him and his girlfriend start fighting…in Spanish…

Of course, I saunter over a couple of times to make sure everything’s ok, because even if it is in a language I don’t know, he’s yelling at her and calling her naughty words (because we all know those!!!).

The third time I walk over to check out the situation his girlfriend says she just wants to smack him on the face.  HA!  And what do I reply??  OH!  Good!  You do that side, I’ll hit him on the right side of his face!!!  YAAAAAAAYY!!!  And she laughs and says, “no really!” and I tell her, “yea, I know.  Trust me on this one.”  (wink)

Obviously, he gets fed up fighting (Pssssst…I walked away.  I didn’t hit him, but it was oh so tempting) and decides to walk.  OH NO, buddy.  Not on my watch.  So, when he is almost at the door I holler out his name and tell him he needs to settle his tab.  This dude pauses and actually THINKS about leaving until he realizes that everyone at the bar is staring at him.  Yea.  Pay your tab, jerk-face.

He comes back to the bar.  Of course, my other favorite person in the world is standing beside me at that point, which is good because if he hadn’t been, Tom prolly would have had a broken bottle in his throat-neck.

Tom decides that he hates all of us and starts bad mouthing us, so my best fwend tells him to forget his tab and never come back, but Tom wants to pay…and now his girlfriend wants him to pay for hers too.  Come ON now!  He’s mad enough already.  And I’m pissed that he’s calling us names, and this guy next to me…yea, it would be really wise of you, Tom NOT to tell him to shut up.  You don’t quite understand what he is capable of, especially when he’s being protective.  Srsly.

This is the point when energy is at it’s most beautiful.  I reached out as Tom and my best friend were exchanging words, laid my hand on his arm, turned to Tom, received payment, let go to get Tom his change, turned back, placed my hand back on my best friend’s arm, gave Tom his change, and said “Goodbye.”

Without this act of energy exchange there would have been an issue…a serious issue…but because of this small gesture, we both were grounded.  I did it for me so I would be concentrating on my hand being some other place than inside Tom’s chest and I did it for my best friend so he would feel something other than anger.  PANDA!

And then Tom left…after he called us all farmers (??) (I checked ma’ armpit smell to make sure I didn’t smell like manure…I didn’t) and decided to flip us all off…yea, including ALL of the customers.  And because humans are so amazing, they all laughed and waved goodbye to him (with a few middle fingers used as a wave). 

So, that’s the last of Tom, at least for now.

Oh.  And he moved here from Spain to be with his girlfriend…so now?  He’s Spanish.  Alt-so, err’one knows who you are now dude.  Mission accomplished.

03/21/13

Thursday.  Thursday should be a fairly easy night at work…but no.  12 tables, 38 customers and I’m alone.  But somehow I made it through (barely).

And then the inevitable happened.  I hate calling it the inevitable, but for some reason this circumstance always happens.  Every time. 

Scene:

Panda is working, and if you’ve seen me in action you know that I move real fast!  These getaway sticks sometimes have a mind of their own and I can’t control them…they just GO!  I walk by the bar and this dude is sitting there with his two friends.  He’s been in once before…this is that story:

Panda is in the back of the restaurant rolling silverware (cue: “you see me rollin’, you hatin’” line).  I turn around to make sure err’thang’s ok with my customers and I notice this guy making a beeline for me.  Like, straight at me.  So much so, I was a little concerned he was going to collide with me or I was going to have to do the Dirty Dancing lift for him!!  He’s about 6’-1”, blazer, sweater vest, khaki pants, boots, Scottish.  I’m just about to let him know where the restrooms are because everyone passes them, when he stops, deadlocks my eyes, opens and closes his mouth like a fish trying desperately to breath, and says (in a Scottish accent), “Holy fahk.  You are the most gorgeous creature I have ever laid eyes on.”  He then proceeds to grab my hand in both of his and KISS IT!!  WAIT…that’s not the end!!  I, of course, am in complete and utter shock, so my hand is still in his when he pulls me in for a kiss on the cheek and a hug, wherein his hands stray a wee bit too low and THIS is what pulls me out of my shock.  I pull away, smile (the smile none of you ever see because I actually love you), and thank him.  I’m at work and me pulling back and punching him in the throatneck is typically not good customer service.  He walks away, sits at the bar and then proceeds to stay there for TWO HOURS watching me the whole time.  Creepy?  No?  Yea.  Creep City, yo’.  A customer asked me if he was my “boyfriend” and when I replied, “No.  I actually have no idea who that is.” they laughed and said, “of course!”.   OF COURSE??!!  What is this expected behavior towards me?!  (thunk).

And now for the story of last night:

This guy again.  With two of his friends.  And they’re sitting at the bar when he notices me walk by.  I was kind of hoping last time was a fluke and he wouldn’t remember me, but noooooooo…he literally jumps off of the barstool and comes at me again.  This time I almost smash into him because one does not expect another human that you don’t know to come runnin’ at cha!  Apparently, we’re best fwends now, me and blah blah blah, because he embraces me and says “THERE you are, beautiful!!!!!” like we haven’t seen each other in years. 

Uhmmmmm.  Yea.  Here I am.  Weirdo.  Leggo!!!!  No, really.  Let go of me.  And he’s really good at the hand grabbing, so I get my hand kissed again.  Yaaaaaaaaaay!  (hrmph).  I walk away (after I do the “smile”).

Next pass:

Go to clean up a table, turn around with dirty glasses in my hand and he’s RIGHT IN BACK OF ME!!  WTF??!!  Dude.  Sit DOWN.  This next line is the best! 

Him:  “I can’t wait to paint you!!”

Me:  (snarf) “WHA??!”

Him:  “I’m excited that I’ll get to paint you soon”

Me:  “Uhmmmmmmm…what are you talking about?!”

Him:  “I’m a really great artist.”

Me:  “Yea.  Ok.  HA!”  (and the loud one syllable laugh comes out)

Him:  “What do you mean, “ok”?”   (looks at me like I truly offended him)

Me:  “psssssh.”  (walks away)

Next pass:

Reaches out while he’s sitting with his friends and beckons me over and decides that he needs to show me off to them.  Like a shiny object that he just found on the sidewalk.  Like a piece of meat.  Please note that he hasn’t asked me my name and has not offered his…

(smile again, but now it’s turning into a sneer…slowly. OH!   And a twitch.  Great.  Thassa my anger brewing.  Walk away)

BUT as I’m trying to get away one of his friends asks me how many times I get hit on in a night.

Me:  “Tonight?”  (sass face)

Him:  “No, on average.  How many times would you say, on average?”

Me:  “OHHHHH!  Math!  I love math!!!!  Lemme see (pause and stare at the ceiling).  Including you guys, I would say the average is TOO MUCH!!!!”

Him:  “Yea.  I figured.  You should get a taser!”

Me:  “AH MA GAWD!!  YES!!!  Then I could use it on…(looks around while randomly pointing, turns back to him, and points directly at his chest and his Scottish friend’s chest) YOU GUYS!!!!  That would be AWESOME!!!!”

Him:  “Yea!  You could call it the Gabriel factor!!”

Me:  “Tsssssss.  Nice name drop, dude.”  (walks away)

Next pass:

Walk by to get to a table of customers.  Scottish dude, without even turning around, reaches out and grabs my wrist.  And then the anger sets in.  Truly sets in.  Where everything is gone in my vision and the ringing begins in my ears.  I turn my wrist out of his hand and grab his wrist.  Hard.  Right on the tendon.  Then I let go. This moment happens so quickly that after I walk away I get concerned that I may have actually hurt him, but no.  As I turn around I realize that unfortunately, I did not injure him.  (pout)

I went outside then.  Because, if you know me well enough you understand that there is this darkness surrounded by violence in my soul.  OH!  Don’t be scurred!!  It’s TINY!!!  It only surfaces when I am pushed a bit too far…like that time when I was young and quietly sitting in a park and that guy drove by and gave me go-go tongue.  I ran through the park and chased his car down, pounded on the window, and screamed he should get out and try it again so I could cut it off.  Yea.  The dude actually stopped and rolled down his window!  Then he hit my elbow with a billy club and drove away.  Leaving me there, holding my arm and seething.  Ps.  There was a baby seat in the back.  Yea.

Uhmmmmmm…Hi MOM (I know you’re reading this)!!! 

Wait.  No.  Not like that at all!!!  That’s not me anymore.  Promise!!  The guy at the bar obviously had to take a few more steps in order for me to almost get to that point.

So.  That was Thursday night.   That was last night.  Tonight will be better…or Imma set the town on fire.