03/29/13

She came in last night with her family.  Sarah Rebecca.  And this is how it started:

I asked her family if they wanted something to drink to start then I went over to her and said, “and for you, little lady?” because my dad used to call me that and I guess sometimes the awesome that is your childhood comes out.  She looked up at me and smiled.  BIG.  A BIG BADA BOOM smile while staring, then said “lemonade, please, but a small one, because I’m small.”  When I brought her the lemonade (with cherries in it) she got really excited…I told her they were my cherries but we could share if she wanted to, so she took one out and handed it to me.  I told her she should give that one to her dad and eat the other one…and she did.  (heart)

I went over to take their order, and now here is a side story:

When I was little my parents used to go out to dinner once a week at a restaurant called Henry’s in Washington State (Poulsbo).  They would sit in a booth by the window and I would sit at the small booth across from them.  I’m pretty sure this was my idea, since I was 7 and even at that age “I did what I want!!”  So, I would order my own food from the server, who learned very quickly that no, my parents did not order for me, and ate it…or looked over and traded with my dad (who ALWAYS ordered something that I would like better).  When the check came (it was on a separate tab), I would get up and hand it to my dad who would then give me the money to pay for my dinner, because, HEY!  I was 7!!!  My allowance didn’t consist of dollar bills!  This was my upbringing.  Humans talked to me like an adult and I responded by becoming independent.  I also learned subconsciously that one should always talk to small humans as if they are full size humans.

When I asked Sarah what she wanted for dinner she said “macaroni and cheese, please.” then poked me in the arm and said, “excuse me.”  I leaned in so I was closer to her and said, “what do you need, honey?”  She stared at me again and started smiling this huge smile again, which in turn made me smile, which made her smile more, which made me laugh, which made her laugh, which made me say, “whassa happening???!!!”  She touched my arm and asked if she could look at my drawing.  I showed it to her and she told me she liked birds too, and then pointed at my other arm and said, “you have a lot of drawings on you!  I like it!!”  REALLY???!!  For real, small person??!!  WHO ARE YOU???  Gimmie!!!

Of course, all through dinner she would randomly turn around and wave and/or smile and/or giggle at me.  When I walked over to see if everything was ok with their food Sarah asked me to come over to her for a moment, so I crouched down beside her.  She then asked me my name and we were introduced after she told me hers and said it was nice to meet me…!!!  Seriously.  I asked her how old she was, and she told me she was “only 4.”  I informed her that it was ok to be 4, because I was only 5.  She laughed and then…nodded her head…and started staring and smiling again.

This is the part.  The shift in my life.  The moment that I will never forget, because Sarah Rebecca changed me forever…

Her and her family got up to leave, and I walked over while they were getting their coats on to thank them and say goodbye.  They thanked me profusely, and while they were doing so I noticed Sarah holding her mom’s hand and (again) staring and smiling at me, so I looked at her and said, “thank you, Sarah!  I hope you have an amazing evening!!!”  She let go of her mom’s hand and started walking towards me…so I crouched down again, because I’m pretty tall when yer a kid!!  And then time slowed down, because as she was walking towards me, she held out her arms.

Yes. 

She came in for a hug. 

Truly. 

Just like that. 

As if we had known each other forever.  And as she hugged me she said……….”I love you.”

Oh, great.  Now I can’t see what I’m typing ‘cause it’s all blurry!!!  Crap!  Ma’ eyes are sweating!!!  AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

I love you too, Sarah Rebecca.  Thank you for coming into my life at just the right moment and showing me that yes, I do need to go back to school and yes, I do need to teach pre-school.  Because if one child can see me for who I am and take this energy and love from me, then I should be able to share that with all of them.

Dear world,

Imma be a teacher!!!!!!!!!!!

3/28/13

A bit of the soul:

I watch humans a lot and analyze how they interact with each other.  Here’s some thoughts:

Alcohol releases your demons, whether good or bad, and we all know this.  Wait.  Can demons be good?  Hmmmmmm…well anyway!!

Side note:

I once asked a friend of mine why everyone I hang out with insists on drinking around me.  And this is true.  I feel like no one can actually have a conversation with me unless they are on the booze.  But why??!!  I’m not scary.  I can talk with you when I’m stone cold sober, so why do you insist on being drunk around me?  His response?  “It’s because you drink all the time and it’s normal for people to feel like they need to drink around you.”  Ok.  So let’s get one thing straight.  I do drink, but I am NEVER drunk.  I drive home err’night and I make sure that I am capable of doing so.  If you’ve ever hung out with me into the wee hours of the night, you know that at SOME point I’m going to switch over to cranberry and ginger ale…and that’s after I’ve had 2 whiskeys and a beer.  I need to stay in control.  It’s in my nature.  And yes, sometimes I slip, so that “never” statement isn’t entirely true, but 99% of the time it is.  So, try it sometime.  Hang out with me without gettin’ fall down drunk, you might be pleasantly surprised or sorely disappointed…either way, you’ll remember.

And this is what I’ve seen in others.  There is that point in time when two people are chatting and having a good time and then…?  BAM!  Instead of having intense eye contact during the conversation, they have the sway eye.  Do you even know what the other person is talking about?!!  Are you just thinking about getting in their pants now?  Does this person even have anything in common with you?  Will you be able to look them in the eye tomorrow, next week, or a month from now?  Are you forcing something called a “relationship” on what really is just carnal instinct?  …and no, Imma not gonna go into the “instinct” hypothesis of humans.  Nope.  Are you lonely and hope that this person will fill the void that you yourself have created within you??!!  Why can’t you hold that person’s hand as a friend when you’re not drunk?  Why can’t you hug like that when you’re sober?  Why are you scared of human contact and can only seek it out after you have recalibrated your brain with liquor?  Why can’t you say those things to that person before you’ve had three beers?  Dear humans, WHY ARE YOU SO FRIGHTENED??!!  Yes, we all need physical contact and we KNOW this, so put down your drank and start admitting it to yourself.  You’re ok!!!  You can still hold that person in the night without first trying to break down all of your barriers with booze…and if you can’t then you need to start trying to love yourself first. [CRRRRRUUUUUUUUSH]!!!

03/28/13

Monday evening I walked into LFK to see my favorite person in the world and on my way in, there was a guy standing at the door.  Me being who I am, looked at him and said, “don’t chu dare card me!” with a smile and laugh of course!  He glanced at me, then did a retake and told me he wouldn’t dare.  I laughed just as he was asking me if I remembered him…

First of all, I hate that.  I see HUNDREDS of people err’day and unless you make an impression on me, Imma not gonna remember you…so I said no.

He then told me he was in the other night with his…………wait for it………Irish friend.  Yea.  That guy.  And all of a sudden he’s Irish now??!  Whassa happening??!! 

I looked at him again and…”Ah, yes.  Gabriel.”  (evil smirk)  Ps.  Why do my powers of setting people on fire with my mind not work??!!  BAH!

Gabriel:  “Hey!  How’s it going?”

Me:  “Oh.  Just fine.” (leaning way in to whisper in his ear)  “Tell your friend if he touches me again he’s going to lose an arm.”

Gabriel:  (eyes wide) “What??  Oh.  That.  Yea, he gets drunk.”

Me:  (looking straight into his eyes while pausing for an uncomfortable moment) “I don’t give a sh*t.  Tell him he should be careful now…very careful.  OK!  BYE!!!!!”

And then I walked away.

And I know I’m going on and on about this guy, but words are my pistol right now…and you don’t want me to own a gun, so this is the only way I can get it out of my system.

Last night the Irish/Scottish dude came into the other place I work.  Yep.  Sober.  With his girlfriend of FOUR YEARS.  And then he sat at the bar…Yea, I was short with him, got him and his girl a drink and proceeded to ignore them (while shaking because the adrenaline was pumping again).  This guy decided he wanted to ask my name…ok then…Amber.  What’s your’s?  Tom.  Come ‘ere, Tom.  Reach over this bar and shake my hand.  Yea.  Remember that grip?  That hurt your wrist tendon last time didn’t it?

So then, him and his girlfriend start fighting…in Spanish…

Of course, I saunter over a couple of times to make sure everything’s ok, because even if it is in a language I don’t know, he’s yelling at her and calling her naughty words (because we all know those!!!).

The third time I walk over to check out the situation his girlfriend says she just wants to smack him on the face.  HA!  And what do I reply??  OH!  Good!  You do that side, I’ll hit him on the right side of his face!!!  YAAAAAAAYY!!!  And she laughs and says, “no really!” and I tell her, “yea, I know.  Trust me on this one.”  (wink)

Obviously, he gets fed up fighting (Pssssst…I walked away.  I didn’t hit him, but it was oh so tempting) and decides to walk.  OH NO, buddy.  Not on my watch.  So, when he is almost at the door I holler out his name and tell him he needs to settle his tab.  This dude pauses and actually THINKS about leaving until he realizes that everyone at the bar is staring at him.  Yea.  Pay your tab, jerk-face.

He comes back to the bar.  Of course, my other favorite person in the world is standing beside me at that point, which is good because if he hadn’t been, Tom prolly would have had a broken bottle in his throat-neck.

Tom decides that he hates all of us and starts bad mouthing us, so my best fwend tells him to forget his tab and never come back, but Tom wants to pay…and now his girlfriend wants him to pay for hers too.  Come ON now!  He’s mad enough already.  And I’m pissed that he’s calling us names, and this guy next to me…yea, it would be really wise of you, Tom NOT to tell him to shut up.  You don’t quite understand what he is capable of, especially when he’s being protective.  Srsly.

This is the point when energy is at it’s most beautiful.  I reached out as Tom and my best friend were exchanging words, laid my hand on his arm, turned to Tom, received payment, let go to get Tom his change, turned back, placed my hand back on my best friend’s arm, gave Tom his change, and said “Goodbye.”

Without this act of energy exchange there would have been an issue…a serious issue…but because of this small gesture, we both were grounded.  I did it for me so I would be concentrating on my hand being some other place than inside Tom’s chest and I did it for my best friend so he would feel something other than anger.  PANDA!

And then Tom left…after he called us all farmers (??) (I checked ma’ armpit smell to make sure I didn’t smell like manure…I didn’t) and decided to flip us all off…yea, including ALL of the customers.  And because humans are so amazing, they all laughed and waved goodbye to him (with a few middle fingers used as a wave). 

So, that’s the last of Tom, at least for now.

Oh.  And he moved here from Spain to be with his girlfriend…so now?  He’s Spanish.  Alt-so, err’one knows who you are now dude.  Mission accomplished.

03/21/13

Thursday.  Thursday should be a fairly easy night at work…but no.  12 tables, 38 customers and I’m alone.  But somehow I made it through (barely).

And then the inevitable happened.  I hate calling it the inevitable, but for some reason this circumstance always happens.  Every time. 

Scene:

Panda is working, and if you’ve seen me in action you know that I move real fast!  These getaway sticks sometimes have a mind of their own and I can’t control them…they just GO!  I walk by the bar and this dude is sitting there with his two friends.  He’s been in once before…this is that story:

Panda is in the back of the restaurant rolling silverware (cue: “you see me rollin’, you hatin’” line).  I turn around to make sure err’thang’s ok with my customers and I notice this guy making a beeline for me.  Like, straight at me.  So much so, I was a little concerned he was going to collide with me or I was going to have to do the Dirty Dancing lift for him!!  He’s about 6’-1”, blazer, sweater vest, khaki pants, boots, Scottish.  I’m just about to let him know where the restrooms are because everyone passes them, when he stops, deadlocks my eyes, opens and closes his mouth like a fish trying desperately to breath, and says (in a Scottish accent), “Holy fahk.  You are the most gorgeous creature I have ever laid eyes on.”  He then proceeds to grab my hand in both of his and KISS IT!!  WAIT…that’s not the end!!  I, of course, am in complete and utter shock, so my hand is still in his when he pulls me in for a kiss on the cheek and a hug, wherein his hands stray a wee bit too low and THIS is what pulls me out of my shock.  I pull away, smile (the smile none of you ever see because I actually love you), and thank him.  I’m at work and me pulling back and punching him in the throatneck is typically not good customer service.  He walks away, sits at the bar and then proceeds to stay there for TWO HOURS watching me the whole time.  Creepy?  No?  Yea.  Creep City, yo’.  A customer asked me if he was my “boyfriend” and when I replied, “No.  I actually have no idea who that is.” they laughed and said, “of course!”.   OF COURSE??!!  What is this expected behavior towards me?!  (thunk).

And now for the story of last night:

This guy again.  With two of his friends.  And they’re sitting at the bar when he notices me walk by.  I was kind of hoping last time was a fluke and he wouldn’t remember me, but noooooooo…he literally jumps off of the barstool and comes at me again.  This time I almost smash into him because one does not expect another human that you don’t know to come runnin’ at cha!  Apparently, we’re best fwends now, me and blah blah blah, because he embraces me and says “THERE you are, beautiful!!!!!” like we haven’t seen each other in years. 

Uhmmmmm.  Yea.  Here I am.  Weirdo.  Leggo!!!!  No, really.  Let go of me.  And he’s really good at the hand grabbing, so I get my hand kissed again.  Yaaaaaaaaaay!  (hrmph).  I walk away (after I do the “smile”).

Next pass:

Go to clean up a table, turn around with dirty glasses in my hand and he’s RIGHT IN BACK OF ME!!  WTF??!!  Dude.  Sit DOWN.  This next line is the best! 

Him:  “I can’t wait to paint you!!”

Me:  (snarf) “WHA??!”

Him:  “I’m excited that I’ll get to paint you soon”

Me:  “Uhmmmmmmm…what are you talking about?!”

Him:  “I’m a really great artist.”

Me:  “Yea.  Ok.  HA!”  (and the loud one syllable laugh comes out)

Him:  “What do you mean, “ok”?”   (looks at me like I truly offended him)

Me:  “psssssh.”  (walks away)

Next pass:

Reaches out while he’s sitting with his friends and beckons me over and decides that he needs to show me off to them.  Like a shiny object that he just found on the sidewalk.  Like a piece of meat.  Please note that he hasn’t asked me my name and has not offered his…

(smile again, but now it’s turning into a sneer…slowly. OH!   And a twitch.  Great.  Thassa my anger brewing.  Walk away)

BUT as I’m trying to get away one of his friends asks me how many times I get hit on in a night.

Me:  “Tonight?”  (sass face)

Him:  “No, on average.  How many times would you say, on average?”

Me:  “OHHHHH!  Math!  I love math!!!!  Lemme see (pause and stare at the ceiling).  Including you guys, I would say the average is TOO MUCH!!!!”

Him:  “Yea.  I figured.  You should get a taser!”

Me:  “AH MA GAWD!!  YES!!!  Then I could use it on…(looks around while randomly pointing, turns back to him, and points directly at his chest and his Scottish friend’s chest) YOU GUYS!!!!  That would be AWESOME!!!!”

Him:  “Yea!  You could call it the Gabriel factor!!”

Me:  “Tsssssss.  Nice name drop, dude.”  (walks away)

Next pass:

Walk by to get to a table of customers.  Scottish dude, without even turning around, reaches out and grabs my wrist.  And then the anger sets in.  Truly sets in.  Where everything is gone in my vision and the ringing begins in my ears.  I turn my wrist out of his hand and grab his wrist.  Hard.  Right on the tendon.  Then I let go. This moment happens so quickly that after I walk away I get concerned that I may have actually hurt him, but no.  As I turn around I realize that unfortunately, I did not injure him.  (pout)

I went outside then.  Because, if you know me well enough you understand that there is this darkness surrounded by violence in my soul.  OH!  Don’t be scurred!!  It’s TINY!!!  It only surfaces when I am pushed a bit too far…like that time when I was young and quietly sitting in a park and that guy drove by and gave me go-go tongue.  I ran through the park and chased his car down, pounded on the window, and screamed he should get out and try it again so I could cut it off.  Yea.  The dude actually stopped and rolled down his window!  Then he hit my elbow with a billy club and drove away.  Leaving me there, holding my arm and seething.  Ps.  There was a baby seat in the back.  Yea.

Uhmmmmmm…Hi MOM (I know you’re reading this)!!! 

Wait.  No.  Not like that at all!!!  That’s not me anymore.  Promise!!  The guy at the bar obviously had to take a few more steps in order for me to almost get to that point.

So.  That was Thursday night.   That was last night.  Tonight will be better…or Imma set the town on fire.

The travels have subsided, so now...travel through my soul and my life.


To start:

There is that moment in time when you realize that some humans use your energy to get to another place in their own lives, and once they’re there, extract you from their lives.  And finally, I’m ok with this.  I am no longer angry or saddened by it.  If you’ve learned something from being with me and can share that, then do so without any inhibitions.  Free yourself from the restraints of proper human behavior.  Touch everyone in your life physically and mentally.  There are no rules in loving another, and I still love you.

09/06/12

Headed out of Portland, ME.  Destination:  Rhode Island (to visit Barbara’s mum).

Amazingly enough, we had NO issues leaving, driving, or arriving!!  Unlike my last trip where err’thang that could go wrong did go wrong, this one was so easy!  WHA??!!  Arrived in RI, [CRUSHED] mom, then headed out to investigate what was once Rhode Island’s Enchanted Forest!!!

If you know anything about me, you’ll understand my huge obsession with abandoned buildings/theme parks and having your best friend there with you to tell you what she did there as a child made it so much more amazing!  Everything is overgrown and dilapidated now.  Windows are boarded up, chairs are communing with the ground entwined in weeds, walls are spray painted on, and there were no signs of the characters that once graced this fantasyland.  We walked the path that once many families walked…once we found it…and peered into structures that had become many teen boys’ hideaway. 

Then…on our way out, Barb needed to climb the sign structure and sit by Humpty Dumpty as she had as a child.  Granted, back then there were ladders to climb up, but we’re adults now, right?  We don’t need no stupid ladders!  She got up and tried to get over to Humpty, but…uhmmmm…well let’s just say the Enchanted Forest has been abandoned for YEARS and the integrity of the sign was less than adequate.  HA! 

Have you ever climbed a tree all the way to the top, then climbed back down, but on the last branch you look down and think, “AH MA’ GAWD!  That’s like 20’ between this branch and the ground!!  How did I get up here???!!  If I jump, I’m totally gonna die or sprain something or smash on my face!!!  Maybe I’ll just try and drop while hanging on here…wait…no!  That’s not working EITHER!!  CRAP!!  CRAP!!  I’M STUCK IN THIS TREE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!” and then you get up the courage to just jump and deal with the consequences and when you land you’re all like, “hmmmmm…I hope no one saw that whole ordeal…” since it was only 3 feet from your feet to the ground…picture that.  Also, picture Amber holding in her laughter until her best friend lands and giggles about it!!  Consequently, I had a hurt belly from laughing and tears running down my face…but not until AFTER Barb was safely on the ground!  Promise! 

Back to town to pick up supplies at the local Big Lots!  Mmmmmmm…Palak Paneer!!  Also.  Mascara.  Then back to mom’s house for some drinks and talking.  Our sleeping quarters tonight will be the back porch in the screened in gazebo in our sleeping bags.  And this is when we begin to rate our sleeping situations.  ;)

So, yea.  I know.  I still haven't finished the end of the last road trip, but hey...it's been over a year!  Do you even really care anymore???
I'll get to it...promise...someday...

Anyway!  A year ago I took a road trip…a 2 ½ month road trip to Alaska and back all on my own.  I followed old Route 66, went up the coast of California, through the Yukon, landed in the most amazing place on earth, then turned around and headed home on Route 40.  I slept in the car, shitty motels, friend’s homes, and a cabin.  It was the most amazing experience I will ever have.  Truly.  And what happens when one goes on a road trip??  One needs to revisit it again and again, so when my best fwend asked me if I wanted to go to Nashville with her how could I refuse??!

It started out with a plane ride into Nashville for the weekend and turned into 2 weeks on the road.  We planned as two crazy girls plan, sipping whiskey and writing on napkins:

-To do-

1.     Riverboat

2.     Opryland

3.     Steal dog (& “papers”)

4.     Fight bears

5.     Overthrow Troll King of Clingman’s Doom

6.     Pick up road-wolves

7.     Johny & Jones gravesite

-To pack-

            1.  Hiking shoes

            2.  Backpacks

            3.  Trowel?

            4.  Sleepin’ bags

            5.  Tent

            6.  Water container

            7.  Camel

            8.  Boots (2-3 pairs)

            9.  Heels for Barb!

            10.  Dresses

            11.  Jeans (2 pair)

            12.  1 long sleeve thermal

            13.  Jammie pants

            14.  T-shirts (8 million or 4…)

            15.  Hoody

            16.  Sox!!  (6 pair?)

Obviously, from these lists, we totally knew what we were doin’!!  We booked a hotel room in New Orleans, plotted our course cross country(ish) and packed…THE DAY BEFORE WE LEFT (and possibly the day we left…but we ain’t sayin’!!).