Thursday.
Thursday should be a fairly easy night at work…but no. 12 tables, 38 customers and I’m
alone. But somehow I made it
through (barely).
And then the inevitable happened. I hate calling it the inevitable, but for some reason this
circumstance always happens. Every
time.
Scene:
Panda is working, and if you’ve seen me in action you know
that I move real fast! These
getaway sticks sometimes have a mind of their own and I can’t control them…they
just GO! I walk by the bar and
this dude is sitting there with his two friends. He’s been in once before…this is that story:
Panda is in the back of the restaurant rolling silverware
(cue: “you see me rollin’, you hatin’” line). I turn around to make sure err’thang’s ok with my customers
and I notice this guy making a beeline for me. Like, straight at me.
So much so, I was a little concerned he was going to collide with me or
I was going to have to do the Dirty Dancing lift for him!! He’s about 6’-1”, blazer, sweater vest,
khaki pants, boots, Scottish. I’m
just about to let him know where the restrooms are because everyone passes
them, when he stops, deadlocks my eyes, opens and closes his mouth like a fish
trying desperately to breath, and says (in a Scottish accent), “Holy fahk. You are the most gorgeous creature I
have ever laid eyes on.” He then
proceeds to grab my hand in both of his and KISS IT!! WAIT…that’s not the end!! I, of course, am in complete and utter shock, so my hand is
still in his when he pulls me in for a kiss on the cheek and a hug, wherein his
hands stray a wee bit too low and THIS is what pulls me out of my shock. I pull away, smile (the smile none of
you ever see because I actually love you), and thank him. I’m at work and me pulling back and
punching him in the throatneck is typically not good customer service. He walks away, sits at the bar and then
proceeds to stay there for TWO HOURS watching me the whole time. Creepy? No? Yea. Creep City, yo’. A customer asked me if he was my
“boyfriend” and when I replied, “No.
I actually have no idea who that is.” they laughed and said, “of
course!”. OF COURSE??!! What is this expected behavior towards
me?! (thunk).
And now for the story of last night:
This guy again.
With two of his friends.
And they’re sitting at the bar when he notices me walk by. I was kind of hoping last time was a
fluke and he wouldn’t remember me, but noooooooo…he literally jumps off of the
barstool and comes at me again.
This time I almost smash into him because one does not expect another
human that you don’t know to come runnin’ at cha! Apparently, we’re best fwends now, me and blah blah blah,
because he embraces me and says “THERE you are, beautiful!!!!!” like we haven’t
seen each other in years.
Uhmmmmm.
Yea. Here I am. Weirdo. Leggo!!!! No,
really. Let go of me. And he’s really good at the hand grabbing,
so I get my hand kissed again.
Yaaaaaaaaaay! (hrmph). I walk away (after I do the “smile”).
Next pass:
Go to clean up a table, turn around with dirty glasses in my
hand and he’s RIGHT IN BACK OF ME!!
WTF??!! Dude. Sit DOWN. This next line is the best!
Him: “I can’t
wait to paint you!!”
Me: (snarf)
“WHA??!”
Him: “I’m
excited that I’ll get to paint you soon”
Me:
“Uhmmmmmmm…what are you talking about?!”
Him: “I’m a
really great artist.”
Me: “Yea. Ok. HA!” (and the
loud one syllable laugh comes out)
Him: “What do
you mean, “ok”?” (looks at
me like I truly offended him)
Me:
“psssssh.” (walks away)
Next pass:
Reaches out while he’s sitting with his friends and beckons
me over and decides that he needs to show me off to them. Like a shiny object that he just found
on the sidewalk. Like a piece of
meat. Please note that he hasn’t
asked me my name and has not offered his…
(smile again, but now it’s turning into a sneer…slowly.
OH! And a twitch. Great. Thassa my anger brewing. Walk away)
BUT as I’m trying to get away one of his friends asks me how
many times I get hit on in a night.
Me:
“Tonight?” (sass face)
Him: “No, on
average. How many times would you
say, on average?”
Me:
“OHHHHH! Math! I love math!!!! Lemme see (pause and stare at the ceiling). Including you guys, I would say the
average is TOO MUCH!!!!”
Him: “Yea. I figured. You should get a taser!”
Me: “AH MA
GAWD!! YES!!! Then I could use it on…(looks around
while randomly pointing, turns back to him, and points directly at his chest
and his Scottish friend’s chest) YOU GUYS!!!! That would be AWESOME!!!!”
Him: “Yea! You could call it the Gabriel factor!!”
Me:
“Tsssssss. Nice name drop,
dude.” (walks away)
Next pass:
Walk by to get to a table of customers. Scottish dude, without even turning
around, reaches out and grabs my wrist.
And then the anger sets in.
Truly sets in. Where
everything is gone in my vision and the ringing begins in my ears. I turn my wrist out of his hand and
grab his wrist. Hard. Right on the tendon. Then I let go. This moment happens so
quickly that after I walk away I get concerned that I may have actually hurt
him, but no. As I turn around I realize
that unfortunately, I did not injure him.
(pout)
I went outside then.
Because, if you know me well enough you understand that there is this
darkness surrounded by violence in my soul. OH! Don’t be
scurred!! It’s TINY!!! It only surfaces when I am pushed a bit
too far…like that time when I was young and quietly sitting in a park and that
guy drove by and gave me go-go tongue.
I ran through the park and chased his car down, pounded on the window, and
screamed he should get out and try it again so I could cut it off. Yea. The dude actually stopped and rolled down his window! Then he hit my elbow with a billy club
and drove away. Leaving me there,
holding my arm and seething. Ps. There was a baby seat in the back. Yea.
Uhmmmmmm…Hi MOM (I know you’re reading this)!!!
Wait. No. Not like that at all!!! That’s not me anymore. Promise!! The guy at the bar obviously had to take a few more steps in
order for me to almost get to that
point.
So. That was
Thursday night. That was
last night. Tonight will be better…or
Imma set the town on fire.
