05/31/11

And this is where it goes downhill.  Memphis.  Yea.  Think of

Preble Street

, then envision ALL of the buildings abandoned, graffitied, with junk laying all about them.  That’s Memphis.  You don’t need to go there.  We sacrificed ourselves for you already.  You’re in the clear (whisper) go to Nashville, Tennessee!!

We checked into a hotel and decided that we should check out

Beale St

.  Which is just a testosterone infused French Quarter.  As Barb put it, “it’s like siblings are fighting with their stereos and every time one of them turns theirs up the other turns their music up even LOUDER!  Honestly, why do you need to compete with the business 3 doors down on the other side of the street??!!  BAH!  My head!  Just give us food and maybe a beer! 

We went into Silky O’Sullivans and got some veggie burgers (!!!) and whiskey.  We were going to sit outside, but the bombardment of every bar on the rest of the block was just tooooooooo much, so we sat inside.  What was cool was that they had a secondary bar parallel to the main bar.  There wasn’t bar service there but it was a counter with stools that looked over to the stage area.  Idea.

On the stage was what we think was a drunken man of about the age of 35ish playing piano and drinking.  He then decided to smoke (which as you know is not allowed in Tennessee bars).  I of course told him he was gonna get in trouble…crap!  And he did.  DOH! 

Barb and I then move outside because it seems to have quieted down (because it’s night time???).  We sit there for a bit decompressing and all of a sudden this older man walks up and offers to buy us drinks.  (sigh) 

We say no, we’re fine, and then he asks if he could just sit and talk with us for a bit.  Really?  Um…….ok.  I told him he would have to get his own chair because the chair he was in back of was playing the part of footstool for me.  Sometimes the Unicorn is napping.  ;)  Needless to say he was quite nice and from Australia!  OH!  We met another Aussie in Nashville who looked like Bon Jovi…I almost fell outta my chair when he walked in!  I can’t believe I didn’t tell you that!  Sorry!!!!! 

Anyway, he invites the guitarist from the 2 man blues band to sit with us and he was SUPER soft spoken, so I have no frackin’ idea what the heck he said all night!  Maaaahahahahaha!  This dude from Australia was nice enough.  He didn’t like to listen to other people’s stories, but that’s ok, we can listen real good.  He’s a “globetrotter” as I called him.  He’s been traveling the world for two years now.  Yea.  That dude’s got cash I think.  And then……..after all the great stories he told……..you know what he starts talkin’ ‘bout???  Music.  Producers, artists, blah blah blah.  NO!!!!  Bob Dylan, The Band, etc.  UGH!  I can’t take it!  NO!!!  Shut yer face!  I hate music talk.  Always have, always will.  Don’t even tell me that the album put out in blech was the best album that blech ever put out and that blech should go back to blech’s roots of that.  Don’t chu do it!!!!  I will junk punch you in the man bidness for that.  Let’s talk about life and dreams and people and experiences!  OK!  GO! 

Time unknown:

We escape from Aussie dude!  Phew!  Call the shuttle for the hotel and let them know that we are SO ready to be picked up.  Then…and this is the best part in my mind.  We get to hang out at the park on the curb where it’s quiet.  Some guy comes up and has a cigarette with us (across from us by the newspaper boxes) and is very cordial. 

Van pulls up!  YAY!  We get in and the girl lets us know that there is another couple we are waiting on.  So we move to the way back…because everyone in the hotel we’re staying at is over 40, so we need to be nice.

And then they happened.  Nice wife (meek?) and crazy mo’ fo’ husband!!!!!!!!  There are moments in my life when I wish (at 36) that my dad was with me sometimes.  Just so he could in his military frank way cut someone down to size.  So this guy, who’s maybe 50 decides that I SHOULD NOT be going on this trip alone because EVERYONE will try to kill, maim, and/or rape me.  He knows.  Oh….YES!  HE KNOWS!  Don’t argue with him because then the racial slurs may spew out just a wee bit…not enough for you to realize it until it’s too late though.  There’s a recording of him that I posted to my Facebook page, because words cannot describe this jerkface.  I unfortunately, missed the beginning of it, but it’s enough.  Yea.  We were stuck in a minivan with that guy.

The best part about it was that Barb started talking to me half way through it just so he wouldn’t talk to us…then he started talking again and I shushed her…she got mad at me!  AHAHAHAHAHA!  (she didn’t know I was recording him)  We worked it out though afterwards.  KroKUS!!!!!! 

Barb and I get back to the hotel (with him still jibber-jabbering about how much danger I’m gonna be in)—Ok.  The ONLY people who can tell me that at this length are my loves, Chad, and my parents.  That’s it dude.  You don’t even KNOW me!!  And don’t you tell me that if I use my taser on someone they are just gonna keep comin’ after me because they’ve been tazed so much.  Tssssss.  Give me a break.  It’ll knock a horse out!

We swim.  Barb and I sillies!!!  Not the crazy dude!  And it twas nice!  Sneaking in after 10 to swim and shushin’ each other every 2-3 minutes (‘cause we ain’t a-posed to be there).  YAY!  And then…………They show up!  The wife and creepazoid dude.  mmmmmmmmmmmGRRRRRRRR.  So we swim for a bit while he tells me about Alaska (because he knows everything about everything, you see)…I really don’t like this guy, could you tell?  And so we need to go, because the BEARS are now gonna eat me and the men in Alaska will somehow trap me there.  Guuuuuuussshhhh!  (that’s me punching him in the throatneck).  I am quoted as saying “Imma Panda, I DO WHAT I WANT, RRRRAAAAWWWRRR”.  No really.  I did actually say that to him.  It was either that or get out off the pool and through every electrical device I could lay my hands on into the pool. 

Barb is out of the water and ready.  I of course, wear an actual swimsuit when I swim so um…yea.  All this talk and Amber’s actually more frightened of the creepy dude with a wife than of the random dude on the street who hollered at her.  Luckily Barb is my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she looks at me (I’m still in the water…it’s 3 feet deep, but I’m submerged) and brings me my towel so I don’t have to get out of the pool without coverage.  I (heart) her. 

So we leave…trying to say goodnight to the couple, but now they’re making out in the pool.  GROSS!  Really???!!!  Ida tazed him.

05/30/11—continued

9:30pm:

Nashville.  Wow.  If you have never been her and you like music and boots, you NEED to go!!  It is amazing!

We decide to eat.  Yea.  Amazing right?  Maybe I should have kept Barbara…we seemed to have eaten more when she was here.  I just realized this morning that my food consumption for yesterday was a mini-can of pears, 2 cheese sticks, and some cashews.  I had Vitamin Water though!  A big un’!!  Ok, I’ll eat today.

Broadway Street

is the restaurant we had dinner at and it was DEEEE-licious!  While sitting there talking and people watching (the doors were open so you could basically sit “outside” and eat and watch everyone.  My favorite.), two young girls walk by.  One of them was carrying a neon yellow shirt and the other was wearing one.  I smiled as they walked by, ‘cause that’s how I roll, then watch them as they pass to see what these crazy shirts were that they had.  Bad idea.  I should not have looked.  Should have just kept my eyes inside the bar.  My next thought was:  I should not have smiled at them.  Then I got angry at myself for thinking that, because would that make me any better?  (sigh)

I have a shocked look on my face, turn to Barb and say, “Their shirts…they say…arrrrgggghhhhh…God Hates Gays.”  So we talk about it a bit and I get sad.  Then they walk by AGAIN (they’re both wearing them now).  AH!  So if you would take a moment.  It’s about 10pm and these girls are maybe 16 walking the main street of Nashville with its neon lights, and boots, and tourists, and drunken frat boys…yikes!

Just to preface this.  I have a temper.  Some of you may know this since you’ve been with me for so long and some of you would never have guessed this.  But it’s there and can flame up into a burning ball of rage if I let it, or if something catches me off guard.

Barb is on the phone with Matt, giving him an update (that means no distraction for Amber), and the girls plus another young boy walk by again.  I can’t take it.  I have to say something.  Unicorning involves more than making people happy or showing them that they can chase their dreams, it also involves trying to show people the other side of situations…yea. 

No.  Wait.  Come here.  –these were my words…I think—there sometimes is this ringing that happens in my head in confrontational situations that forces my brain to forget moments.  They come back, and I ask them what they are doing.  They start spewing off some Psalm line where it supposedly states “god hates gays”.  I don’t read the bible, but Imma pretty sure that anyone who translated the stories within did not specifically point out homosexuals.  I ask them how old they are (they are 16), then (while Barb is trying to frantically get off the phone with Matt, ‘cause I’m angry—to be alt-so said like “I’m HUNGRY”) I ask them how it is any different for them being black.  Yea.  Take that.  The boy looks at me and says “I’m Indian”.  Um…ok…so we’ll go with that one then, and honey, you may be part Indian, but there’s a whole lot of other stuffs in you to.  They somehow don’t understand what I’m asking, so Barb translates for me and points out the fact of prejudice and how as a human you can’t change who you are.  They went on to say that god loved them and that was all that matter.  Hmmmmmmm…I ask to see this bible they were quoting from.  The boy looks anxious, but the girls ask him to go back to the car and grab it.  Let’s just say that he did come back after awhile with no bible in his paws.  Barb asks them if they really think that god wants to spread hate.  You know what one of the girls said?  Do you???  REALLY???????!!!!  She said YES!  WHA??!!!  So, Barb repeats the question, because maybe they just misunderstood her.  The girl steps up and says YES AGAIN!!!!  I ask what kind of church they belong to (‘cause it sounds a little crazy to me!)…the church?  Yea, that is also a good one:  Repent or Burn in Hell Ministries.  Ouchie.

“I have the answer why the GAY youth are killing themselves! Because GOD HATES GAYS! GOD hated Esau who also fornicated (Romans 9:13 and Hebrews 12). The Bible states that GOD gave sinners strong delusions to believe a lie and because they would not retain GOD in their knowledge, he gave the GAYS up to a reprobate mind. In Romans 1 a reprobate minded person also is a person who will "murder." This is the reason no matter how much you try to explain away the fact that GOD has orchestrated the GAY YOUTH into killing themselves is the reason why they are dying. I.E. the GAY youth REFUSE to repent and to obey GOD.”

If you want to read more:http://newlifegospel.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general

UGH.  So, um…who needs a hug?  No?  You sure?  Seems like you do.  I tell them that I hope someday they will be able to grow and make their own decisions about life.  I hope they do.  It was a bit scary at points (well all of it really), but they were just like robots spewin’ out what they were told.  I told them to be careful on the streets tonight, since you know they’re young, there are 2 girls, and they’re wearing these shirts that perhaps might cause some turmoil.  They let me know they would be careful and that they carry mace with them.  OH!  Nice!  Spread the word of the Lord around Nashville with a pocket full of MACE!  See anything wrong with this picture kiddos??!!!  BAH!!!  Ok.  Get on outta here. (deep breath Amber & Barb)  Oh, and I bet you’ve never seen Barb angry either, huh?  Well, that there.  That’s absolutely frightening.  Don’t do it, unless you’re on her side…then you won’t really have to do anything ‘cause she’s like Storm from X-Men.

Ok.  Gimmie boots!  And there’s this store…see how I did that?  I totally just changed the subject.  Pay attention!  Here!  Over here!  BOOOOOOTTTTSSSS!!!!  Yay!!  Hey!  There’s a bucket on that lamp!  It’s buy one get 1 free!  Yes, please.  They range from $300-$500…I’m on a budget dudes!  Ouch!  I’ll get some from Zappos when I get home maybe.  Sorry Nashville.

Roger’s (?) maybe first?  It’s super crowded and the band playing at the top portion is awful.  We decide to sit downstairs and maybe wait for the 1^st floor band.  It’s rather like Ruskis there, only darker.  And the walls are filled with photos of famous people who have stopped in.  Supposedly, sometimes someone famous will walk in and just start singing for ya’.  That didn’t happen when we were there, and the band still hadn’t gotten set up, so we decide to walk the block and see what else is going on.  In Nashville, you can just wander up to a door and listen and see if you like what’s happening inside then choose to go in or not!  It’s aweshum!

Of course, somehow the gay haters from the ministry decided they needed to be on THIS side of the street so we had to keep avoiding them…Barb had her quiet angry look on…thassa dangerous…keep movin’…

We pass by this bluegrass bar, which had some amazing music coming from the band!  One of them turned around (the stage was right in the front window) and beckoned us to come in.  Barb and I traveled a little further (Lil’ Jon??!!  Whoa.  That place wasn’t doing so well…) then back again and finally entered Layla’s Bluegrass, Hillbilly, and Country Inn.

Layla’s was ½ empty, had an amazing bluegrass band playing, and a crazy friendly bartender (unlike the other jerkface woman at Roger’s)!!!  So we stayed there and had fun!  At one point we went to have a cigarette outside.  ‘Cause in Nashville you can smoke in a restaurant, but not in bars…wha?  Um…ok.  While we were out there we met several nice people.  No really!  There’s no sarcasm in that one this time!  One guy wanted us to buy flowers (which were obviously stolen from someone’s yard –snarf-), when we told him we couldn’t he broke off 2 small ones and handed them to us just for being us.  You say, “We got flowers”—then you do a Gila Monster face at random passer-byers just for fun (sometimes they get scared but usually they don’t know whether to smile or run away when you do this).  Barb bought a dollar newspaper from a dude on the street, I gave him a hug.  He was very happy. 

We’re back inside and the band is finishing up, so I walk over to buy a CD.  Somehow I managed to get all 4 CDs (they each had their own) for $5…AND!  We got invited to go to Tootsie’s with them where they can sometimes get on stage again and do more songs!  So Barb and I leave to go to Tootsies (it’s right next door) and on the way out we give hugs and introductions—Imma hugger if you didn’t know that about me—and the banjo player says mid-hug, “Darlin’ you probably shouldn’t have hugged me ‘cause now I ain’t lettin’ ya’ go” all Southern drawl and stuffs.  Awwwwwww.  Yea, ma’ husband wouldn’t be too fond of me bringing you home and I think the drive back would be rather uncomfortable considering. 

Time unknown:

Tootsies!  And we are introduced to MORE people who are crazy talented.  I think everyone in Nashville can sing, play multiple instruments, AND dance!  We were asked by Paul (he was in the band) if we could sing and if we wanted to come up on stage and do a song with them!  THEN!  They taught us how to two-step!!!!!!!!  Barb, I hope you’re practicing and teaching other people, because when I get back we’re doing this!  Barb is amazing at it by the way!!  Like she’s done it a million times before and is super relaxed!  Me on the other hand…ol’ spaz panda pants can actually dance.  Alone.  Without a partner (unless it’s Chad).  I found that out.  Yep.  How ‘bout this, Paul.  How ‘bout I just grab on and put ALL of my weight on you and you can dance the two-step and I can pretend I did too!  YAY!!!!  UP! UP! UP! 

Time unknown:

The night is over and we’re getting a cab back to the Drake Inn…ehem…where the stars stay, ‘member? 

We (heart) Tennessee.  Human experience +10.  Amber approved.