06/03/11

It’ll be normal again soon…promise…it will…but not today.

10:00 am
I checked out of Stonegate Inn as soon as I could!  So I arrived at the GIGANTIC Jesus statue in Eureka Springs at 10!  That’s why I came here!!!  Holy crap.  It’s very impressive!  They also have a 10’ section of the Berlin wall there…(?) AND they do live performances of the Passion of Christ.  Unfortunately, I was too early to catch it, BUT I did get to see Moses walk by me in the parking lot with a staff and Coleman cooler!!!  And sneakers!!! 

1:00 pm:

Arrive in Tahlequah, OK to see the Cherokee Heritage Center.  When you’re driving from Eureka Springs to Tahlequah you have to drive Rt. 177 which I believe is only for locals since every truck that went by me going the other way waved at me!!!  (heart)!  Wow!  That was the happiest moment of that day!!!!!!!

Tahlequah, OK is a lot like Bath Maine or any real small town USA, but dilapidated and sad…as are almost all the towns I’ve been going through…hmmmmmm…so I thought I would check out the “Historic Downtown”.  Yea.  That took me all of maybe 10 minutes and I got to see their town bum!  YAY!  So now I’m hungry and the only place that serves food only has croissants with cheese and this meat, this meat, or THIS meat!  Not just cheese.  No lettuce, no dressing, just dry croissant, cheese, and your choice of 3 different kinds of meat (cue:  Sam Cooke/Sugah Dumpling).  So I walk (after buying a $4 ice coffee in a Styrofoam container from said shop) and happen to stumble upon a health food store!  I go in thinking they may have some premade sandwiches or something that I could shove in my face, so I ask, and no…(pout).  The woman at the counter looks at me (I didn’t actually pout and then proceeded to state “I’m hungry” and patted my belly) and takes pity on me!  YAY!  She tells me that if I can find a burrito in the freezer that I like she will heat it up in the back room for me!  It’s a secret though, ok!!  Don’t you guys go telling everyone!  She’ll get in trouble!!!!  SHHHHHH!!!  So for lunch I had an Amy’s burrito and peach soy yogurt and ice coffee.  Best ever!  And then…I got out of Tahlequah, OK because they weren’t too keen on my kind being there…or they were too interested in it.

3:00 pm:

Arrived at the Cherokee Heritage Center and somehow managed to get the last tour (a private one at that because I was the only person there) with a REAL Cherokee!!!  He’s wolf clan (funny that) and he was amazing.  I don’t remember his name, but I do remember what clan he was from!  He’s also part Creek (deer clan).

I bought a book, which I haven’t opened yet, because I know Imma gonna cry through the whole thing.  You may know it?  Trail of Tears?  Yea?  Yea.  I’ll wait on that one!  As I was looking at the stuff in the giftshop another Cherokee dude walked past me, did a quiet hawk/bird noise at me, looked back, winked, and then continued on about his business.  I’ll let you translate that one, because I have like 3 different theories and 2 out of 3 make my head hurt.

7:00 pm:

Checked into Claremore, OK (Roy Rogers Inn)…because see now!  I got confused!  I saw Rogers and cowboy and museum and thought MOM!!!!!!!  I’m going to spoil it, but yea…mom likes WILL Rogers (with Trigger and stuffs) not ROY, AMBER!!!  BAH!  I was thinking of you mum!  Sorry I got the wrong cowboy. Oh, but if I hadn’t made that mistake I wouldn’t have met these charming people now would I??!!  Oh…wait………

So I check in, unload, grab a beer and head out to the gazebo to have a smoke (don’t read that last part, mum), because I’m that type of smoker.  I know ye’all hate it so I go out of my way not to be in your way.  Next time, I’m just going to stand at my hotel door and smoke. 

There are two dudes at the gazebo smoking and having PBR, so since it’s brightly lit and right by the main office I figure I’ll be safe.  And I was!!  Not to ruin the climax or anything, but I don’t want all ye’all reading this and having heart palpitations about me!!  ;)

So here I am with David (?) and Anthony (he’s English).  They’re from Florida and build playgrounds.  If you need a playground, keep this in mind: don’t hire them, they’re drunks and a bit weird (shrug) jus’ saying.  They did give me a ton of information on Oklahoma though…here it is:

1.      If you buy beer at a gas station or convenience store it will only have an alcohol content of 3.25% because Oklahoma has stayed (partially) in the prohibition period (that was from 1920-1921 incase you needed a refresher…it’s 2011 now).  “Regular” beer can be purchased at your local liquor store or Walgreens (WHA?) with an alcohol content of 6.00% or more.  Not that I care, but I was wondering why I had to pee so much!

2.      England had a 99 year lease on Hong Kong that just ended in 1997 (?).  Yea, I didn’t know that…I’m admitting to that now.  That doesn’t have anything to do with Oklahoma, but it was talked about.

3.      There’s pudding wrestling at the VFW tomorrow night.  And yes, I was invited to participate, and yes, I graciously declined.

4.      BUG RUN!  So this is what Oklahoma folk do for fun!  Ready?  You meet up at a bar (that night it was the one right next to the hotel), you have a drink, you place a target on the front grill of your car (yes, one of those bow and arrow shooting range targets), you drive 15 minutes to the next designated bar, you have a drink and maybe some food, then you drive BACK to the original bar where you are then judged.  And this is the winner:  Whoever has the smooshed bug closest to the bulls-eye wins!  So um…yes…the cops possibly find it very convenient to pull over anyone with a target on the front of their car…hmmmmm.  Oh, Oklahoma.

So here we are and these dudes are telling me stories and laughing and such and the person from the office comes out and tells us we gots ta’ evacuate the gazebo because there have been complaints (it’s 10:30 pm).  HA!  We got kicked out of a gazebo!!  And then they decide to blame it on ME!!!  Because they were quiet until I showed up!  Yes, may I analyze that one for a moment?  You were!  That is why I decided to come down and then BAM!  Testosterone! 

So we go over to the bar because I REALLY need a picture of this bug run thing (I get it!).  This bar is also the local bar, so there are some folks from town in it.  Unfortunately, I missed the end of the bug run (they had already come and gone at that point). 

I have a drink (since it’s free, because David is being cordial).  And we’re sitting there and they begin to tell me more stories and then all of a sudden David gets this look on his face and informs me that I need to watch my back in the bar.  WHA??!!  What did I do??  So David gets up to get another beer for himself (which he doesn’t need…) comes back and lets me know that he just saved me.  He hopes I don’t mind, but he let the dude at the bar know that we (David and I) were old friends and no, I’m not interested.  Huh?  David then gets all angry and protective because the guy at the bar keeps looking over.  Really now?  C’mon.  Leave me be, all ye’all!!!  David tells me I don’t want anything to do with…ready?...”that damn Cherokee, ‘cause he’s been in jail and all he wants to do is…blah blah blah”.  I had no idea that the hate ran so deep and pure in Oklahoma.  You all realize that you stole everything you have from “those damn Cherokee”, right?  Naw, I didn’t think so.  (sigh)

I get up to take some photos of signs (because they’re in the shape of Oklahoma and they say Budwiser on em’)!  Here I meet “Oklahoma” as he called himself and now I will from here on out be referred to as “Miss Maine” (said with SEVERE southern drawl please).

Now I’m back at my seat and David and Anthony start telling me jokes and stories again (cue: booooored now) and I don’t really know what happened, but another (much bigger) Cherokee dude walks up next to me, lays his hand on my shoulder, looks down at me and says “ma’am, these guys aren’t giving you any trouble are they?”  I look up at him and over at David and Anthony and say “No, I’m fine!  Thanks for checking though!” Cherokee dude is not ok with my answer and what ensues is a testosterone stare down that lasts a FULL 3-4 minutes!!!!  How uncomfortable is that??!!  GAH!

Stares are broken off and Cherokee dude looks back down at me and says, “If you need anyone to stand outside your door tonight, I will do that for you until the morning.” Wow!  Really?  Ok, yea.  Now I’ll get a little frightened, because either your seeing something that I’m not (and I’m really good at seeing those things) or you’re completely paranoid and crazy nice.  OR!  You’re the one I have to worry about now. 

I did say no to the door guarding thing.  That’s just weird.  Maybe?  Hmmmmmm…he was the bouncer there so that made me feel a bit better.

So we all walk back to the hotel, they still want to drink, I say no way bah-bye, then proceed to place my taser, mace, and phone by the bed and jam a chair up against the door.

They were gone by the time I left in the morning.

SAFE!

Betcha I get a lollipop from someone tomorrow…

06/02/11

9:30 am:

Packing up to leave the hotel (alone).  I had collected numerous bottles along the way that held refreshing liquids (water, Starbucks coffee, soda pop, etc) so I needed to get them out of my car or be attacked at one point by all of them.  I brought them into the main office area and asked a gentleman sitting there if he knew if there was recycling.  He looked at me real weird and said “wha?” I asked him again (along with hand signals) and he told me to just put them in the trash.  I thanked him, tossed the bottles and went back to my car to continue to pack it.  Not two minutes later, said gentleman came out into the parking lot, walked up to me and profusely apologized to me saying “I done didn’t mean to be rude or nuthin’, but I couldn’t understand you missy.  You gots yerself a real weird accent.  You from Europe or sumthang?”  AHAHAHAHAHA!  Yes.  Europe.  Where we pronounce stuff.  Awesome.

Of course right before I’m ready to get into my car, Mr. Jerkface Creepazoid walks out and decides to lecture me AGAIN on all of the dangers involved with me driving to Alaska.  GAH!  Go away!!!

10:30 am:

Graceland!  Ok, so if you know me, you know that me and Elvis, well we just don’t see eye to eye.  I understand he may have revolutionized music, but there were hundreds of people before him who paved the way who never seem to get credit.  Maybe the fact that he blending the two cultures together gave him an up?  I don’t know…it’s like me and the Beatles.  C’mon now.  There are so many other bands and artists out there who were exactly like them (if not better).  It all comes down to marketing though, huh? 

Graceland is amazing though!  And his mansion??  It’s covered with mirrors!  On the walls, on the ceiling, in almost every room!  My favorite room was the jungle room.  It’s decked out all in 70’s eclectic furnishings.  The ceiling is even carpeted!

I ate lunch at the diner…I did NOT get the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich though (I was tempted).  Instead I got a grilled cheese with French fries and tap water…that cost me $8.00!!!  WHA?!  And this grilled cheese?  I think it was made for elementary school kids!  Hungry.

3:30 pm:

Ravenden!  I drove out of my way (2 hours that is) to go see this gigantic Raven in Ravenden…get it?  It was aweshum!  Of course, I believe that was the only thing Ravenden had going for it.  Poor Ravenden. 

8:00 pm:

Arrived in Eureka Springs, Oklahoma!  Why did I go here?  Hmmmmm…I can’t remember.

I pulled into a hotel parking lot (Stonegate Inn), walked into the main office and asked the woman how much a single room for one night would be.  She told me it would be $56 plus tax.  I told her I would keep looking, and thanked her.  HA!  No!  She wouldn’t let me!!!  She looked up (she was German with a super heavy accent) and asked me how much I wanted to pay…um…wha?  I told her that I passed another hotel that advertised $35.  So, what does she do?  She charges me $35 (including tax, and tax is like 14% in Oklahoma)!  She said she wanted me there and to be safe…I had not let her know I was traveling alone…it twas weird!  So, I check in, and begin toting all my stuff up to my room.  I somehow have a ton of stuff I need to bring into each room every time!  BAH!

While bringing my stuff in (I’m on the second floor and there’s a nice balcony that connects all of the rooms).  I notice a creepy dude sitting a couple doors down from my room and every time I looked at him he gives me this super wide smile.  Ohhhhhkay.  (sigh).  So I pack my stuff into the room, grab the beer out of my cooler and head out to the balcony to have a beer (I left the hotel in Memphis at 10:30 ‘member…I’m tired!).  Here I am on the balcony and I look over and this guy (the creepy one with the smile) has a Styrofoam cooler…I know I shouldn’t talk to him, but my beer was in my cooler all day (with lukewarm water…ice doesn’t stay so long when you’re in the South) and I just wanted a cold beer because it’s 97 degrees out and crazy humid!  Ok, I ask him if I could use his cooler for my beer in exchange for one of my beers.  Oh gosh.  I never knew anyone could get so excited over someone asking to use their cooler.  He almost tripped over himself and fell off the balcony!!!  Hmmmmmm…ok.  No problem.

Here I am sitting having beer, being relaxed and all and then there’s yelling from the other end of the balcony.  Someone is yellin’ “John Wayne, come here!”  Ok…either someone here is named John Wayne or the REAL John Wayne is actually staying at this hotel!!!!  WHEEEEEEEE!!

Ok.  It’s this dude.  Oh gosh!  AHAHAHAHAHA!

So now there’s this yelling weird fight between the two drunk redneck ladies at the other end and John Wayne (who is beside me).  And that’s when I notice.  John Wayne is creepy, but the nerdiest guy I have ever met!  Imagine saying “Star Wars” with the most amazing nerd lisp EVER!!!  And it’s constant, with the nerd laugh and the crazy lisp…do not laugh at this guy while he speaks…don’t you do it Amber!! 

So then one of the women comes down and plunks herself right next to me sayin’ “what chu doing here, baby?  What’s your name?”  I introduce myself to her and she introduces herself to me (Angel).  And somehow…she adopts me and stays on the balcony with me for the rest of the night. 

What do we talk about?  Oh, ya’ know, what normal people talk about, menopause, drunk driving, her accident while drunk driving, how her mom and stepdad are both dying and she has to take care of them, Rose in California.  You know, everyday conversational topics.  Of course I tell her that she should leave Eureka Springs because I’m pretty sure that being a redneck lesbian woman there isn’t very much fun!  Somehow it turned into me driving her to see Rose (Rose lives in the desert and does some sort of hallucinating drugs…or maybe ANGEL was on em’).  Rose kinda sounds like she should be part of the Manson family, but I ain’t saying that to Angel!!!  Nuh un!!!!  I tell her she needs to go when she’s ready…of course at this point she tells me she’s ready and that she’ll get her check at midnight (?????) so she can pay for gas.  Oh.  Good.  Yea.  That’s what I want, some crazy lady in my car for like 2000+ miles.  Yes, please.  I laugh it off and now she is on this thing where she needs more beer…she doesn’t really…trust me!  So she wants me to drive her to the store.  Nope.  Now she wants to take the car herself.  Nope.  NOW she wants to borrow $10 from me (she gets paid at midnight, which she mentions to me at least 6 times).  Nope.  And now?  I have an angry woman on my hands ‘cause I won’t lend her the cash.  I let her know that I am driving 6000 miles and I need all the cash I have…Angel!  Can you comprehend that??!!  Six THOUSAND miles!  Go bum cash off of someone else.  Oh, but not your friend there who is living in this hotel because she got evicted from her apartment, and not John Wayne who also lives here because he doesn’t have a job and you are supposedly supporting him even though he is just a (creepy) friend.  Oh!  And you live here too, huh?  What the heck is going on here???!!!!

Now Angel wants a “tilt” to be pronounced as teeeeeeeillt (all southern drawl like).  I ask her what that is and her answer?  Honey it’s just what it sounds like and you git em’ at the store.  They’re only $2.14!  You won’t need anything else tonight. 

Yes, Angel you are correct in a way.  I don’t need anything else tonight.  And why do you need $10 from me if a “tilt” is only $2.14????  Angel succumbs and says she only needs $5 then.  Nope.

Now she’s angry again and decides to ask me this: “You really won’t give me $10?  I’ll pay you back at midnight!  Why you being such a bitch about it?”  um….honey……..we already went through this.  6000 miles!  GAH!

Just then this Jeep Cherokee covered in mud screams into a parking space, two dudes hop out, whip off their shirts and go running toward the pool.  Yes.  That happened also.  But wait!!!!!  There’s more!!!!

They run back after jumping into the pool and start putting their shirts on when you know who (ehem, Angel) decides that she needs to invite them up to the balcony and try and bum beer off of them.  So they do!!!  They actually come up!!!  WHA??!!  With beer!!!  Why didn’t I stay in my room?  Hmmmmmm??

This is Kevin and Caustin (like Austin, but with a C), they’re pool hoppers and they have 4 more pools to go before they hit their planned out pool hoppin’ numbah.  Caustin is a redneck from Eureka Springs and Kevin is from the “city”…Kevin doesn’t have an accent, so that’s a dead give away. 

Of course, me being who I am and needing desperately to get away from Miss Happy Face here asks if I can pool hop with them.  NO AMBER!  NO!  Well, they got crazy excited…until I told them I was just kidding.  Waaaaaahahahaha. 

So off they go to hop in random hotel pools.

And once again I’m stuck with Angel.  And now she has a beer and John Wayne has delivered a straw to her, because that’s how you drink it in Oklahoma I guess.  Oh, and now she’s angry at John Wayne about some such nonsense, so I decide to take that opportune moment to escape and go swimming (because Angel thinks I’m koo-koo for wanting to go swimming!).  Perfect.

Thank goodness she decides to go hang out with her other friend while I’m swimming, so I can make a clean escape into my room!!!!  Phew! 

Angel also could not comprehend my trip at all and asked me what type of drugs I was on in order to go through with it.  HA! 

Oh, and the next person who asks me if I want to smoke pot with them or if I have anything on me or if I have anything more than pot on me, I’m going to punch them.  Yes.  Right in the neck.  Don’t assume that everyone needs your substances.  Some people are just naturally like this.  Sorry!!!  BAH!!!!