07/15/11

Canadian border today.  And at the border?  Yea, I stop and yea, there’s mace on my dashboard because I’m not that person who actually THINKS about stuff like that.  It’s there because I may need it at any moment and every time I get out of the car, I put it in my bag…so…there it is.  Yes, officer, yes, I have pepper spray.  If I lie to you, you will point at it because I already saw you look at it.  Tsssssss.  Dumb.  Pull around to the covered area and report it to the officer inside with these colored slips of paper.  Ok.  I will……..or maybe I’ll just speed away!!!  WAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!  (sigh) no.  ok.  I’ll stop.

Standing at the funny lil’ human corral things where I’m the only one in line.  Two officers completely ignoring me for at least 3 minutes.  WTH??!!  Finally one of them looks up and exasperatedly says “yes??”  Oh, I don’t know!  Maybe I have something in my car that you want?  WHY ELSE WOULD I BE STANDING HERE???!!!  Gah!!!  I hand the nice lady the slips of paper and she asks me if I have pepper spray in the car.   Um.  Yes.  Sorry you can’t read because that’s what it says on that paper bit…but I guess that comes with this position, huh?  Rude and unable to read.  Then!  THEN!!!!!!!  Border patrol officer?  She asks me to go out to my car and get the item!!!!!!!!!  REALLY???!!  Why are you confiscating it from me if you trust me to go out to my car and HAND it to you??!!  WHAT???!!  What is wrong with you, you lazy biatch!!!  Ok.  I’ll go get it…

And I bring it in.  My mace?  It ain’t on safety.  Never.  Ever.  I know how to use it and not on myself, so…deal with that lady.

She gets all huffy when I hand it over to her, looks up at me while putting it on safety and says, “yea, we should probably put this here instead of where it was, huh??” all patronizing and stuff.  Well, babe, see I actually know how to use it and YOU just asked ME to bring it to you, so deal with putting it on “safe mode”.

Then…because it’s me and I just can’t take it look her in the eye and say, “I’m driving to Alaska alone.  You just took my only defense against anything that may happen along the way, can you guarantee that I will be safe the entire time?  I am a woman.  Alone.  In British Columbia, the Yukon, and Alaska.  Tell me to my face I will not need that.”

Ok, yes.  I get angry sometimes.  But it’s for good reason (usually) and yes, she is border patrol and could have very easily kicked me out…I had every right to confront her.  What does she tell me?  “oh, gosh, hon…you’re right.  Ok.  Have it back…pretend this doesn’t happen.  I’m sorry.  You do need this.  There are people who love you and are probably worried about you, so take it.  I’m sorry.”

Oh.  Wait.

No.

That’s not what she said……..

“You’ll be on roads that are populated all the time.  And a ton of truckers drive that route, just stick close to them.  You’ll be fine.  Don’t get yourself into any bad situations.  Don’t worry about it.”

REALLY???!!!!!!!!!!  Have you driven these roads before???!!!  NO!!  There aren’t a ton of people who drive them and NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will NOT stick close to the truckers.  NO!!!  AND!  Bad situations???!!!!!!!  They find ME!!!  I don’t go looking for them, lady!  I get accosted walking into a frickin’ family restaurant.  AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!  [punch]

(sigh)

Instead, I told her that she was responsible for my safety for the rest of the trip.  She has my name and address.  Check the news.  You, ma’am are the one to confront my loves and family face to face and tell them that YOU took my mace.

And yes.  I told her that.  I know, I know.  But I had to…………maybe the next woman driving alone will get her and she’ll remember.  I made it, but that other lady who stopped at the thrift store?  Yea, she made it.  Someone finally found her after 3 days of being trapped in the basement.  That happened on my way home.  It wasn’t me.  It was another woman who was alone.  She will never be ok.

Aw, man.  I just got heavy, huh?  Sorry.  SAFE!  This girl is safe.

I drove after that.  11 hours total and stopped at “Boston Pizza” for a small pizza, beer, and spinach salad.  Then?  Well, they have Wal-Mart  in British Columbia!  So I blocked my windows out and slept.  In the parking lot.  In the passenger seat.

PS--No one found the taser.  Ever.  HA!